Monday, March 31, 2014

Change

Change is a bitch.

Well…
we're faced with a lot of change
in the next several months.

I will hold on with both hands and try.

I've cried a lot over the past couple of days.
Sir has been kind,
but I've told him I'm done.
Not marriage wise…
just submission wise.

Funny, I'm always, ALWAYS worried
that he will call it quits (not marriage, but Dom)
And here I am saying I'm done.

I don't expect him to just let me stop,
but I am mentally fucked in a bad place, at the moment.

He reins me in and I fight…
like REALLY fight.
I absolutely refuse and fight back.
He spanks, I spank back,
He grabs and I pinch,
He commands and I refuse,
He pulls and I push.
I just cannot find my submission
or any sort of calm or
any release
at the moment.

I know it will change, but it's going to be
difficult over the next several months.
So…I will not whine and cry here all the time,
but I thought I would let y'all know what was going on.
We'll be fine and get through,
I'll find a better attitude,
but I haven't found it yet.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Electricity Question

OK…so I am seriously looking to 
ask for,
maybe hint at,
downright demand
scratch that last one,
politely request,
beg, plead and whine for…

a violet wand type device.

Yes, I don't have any experience
Hell Yes, I may really hate having asked for it

But…

Please, if you have ANY ideas of 
brands that you've heard of,
negative feedback 
or positive feedback
attachment ideas

PLEASE let me know.

I will let you know if I get one and…
give all the juicy details =)

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Sir's Answers Kenzie, abby, DelFonte and joey

  1. Please feel free to ask more questions or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him…as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.

Kenzie asked and We'll answer:
Do either of you have a fantasy you haven't explored yet, that you want to?
fiona:  Well my fantasy that we haven't explored yet is for me to be commanded by Sir to be used by others…either spanked or beaten or used sexually (giving blow jobs,etc.)  I would love for Sir to watch or hold me down or tie me down - but it would have to be under his supervision or his command. Ya, I feel totally perverse putting that down…but it's honest.

Sir: To have my sub join in a menage a trios with another woman.
(fiona:  Oh PLEASE!!!  I would adore that!!!)

abby asked and I'll answer:
I have a question for you from Master....He said something about turnabout being fair play...
I assume you have been spanked before cumming?...Have you ever been spanked after cumming? Is there a difference in your sensitivity, in the feel of the spanking?
I can't remember if I have been or not.  Isn't that sad.  I think this is something that we'll have to explore when time permits!!!  For some reason I have to think I have experienced that.  I would imagine that I can't remember, because my brain is typically fairly scrambled after cumming.  I would imaging I would be much more likely to cum from being spanked if I had cum already.  I'm a prime-the-pump and watch it blow kinda girl.  Once I've cum, I'm much easier to cum again, and again, and again =)


DelFonte asked and He'll answer:
Can't resist asking Sir a couple of questions :)
If you had a dungeon, what furniture would you put in it?
And if you could 'train' Fiona in such a room, what would her first lesson be?
Sir:  I would put a home made rack.  This would look something like a sawhorse with padding.  Fiona would lay along the saw horse and I would bind her hands and feet on the legs.  Once I have her on my rack I would use every dildo in the house and fill all of her holes.  I love making her come with a dick gag in her mouth.  Once I had her satiated I would turn off all the lights and make her wait for my next visit.
(fiona:  OK, so reading that made me ridiculously horny!)

joey asked and He'll answer:
Can you ask Sir how he knows what you need and when you need it?
Sir:  The thing Fiona needs most is the release that comes with my dominance.  Once I have complete control of her she basically wants whatever I will give her.  My favorite thing to do is to make her ask for her punishment.  I love it when she begs for a spanking, nipple twisting or her dildo.
(fiona:  OK, so he's totally got my number!  I wish he didn't love making me beg for those things.  It's still so hard, and humiliating and difficult.  I wish he would just take whatever he wants regardless of what I want!)

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Fighting It.

Well.

Hmmmmm.

I'm working my way back.

Funny, how quickly it all died.

I was away with the kids and Sir…
though Sir was working, so it was mostly
me being MommyDomme and
playing and
stressing.

This vacation wasn't restful
in any way, shape, or form.

It was extraordinarily stressful
for me for personal reasons.

The kids had fun, for the most part.

The stress was adult stress…
Sir's work stress…
Old friend stress…
Current friend stress…

Just a holy hell bundle of stress.

We were not alone…ever.
We stayed with others and
had our children in our room.

There was no conscious discussion that
our D/s be minimized or hidden or anything,
it just kind of disappeared in the midst
of life.

It's not like we were gone for long,
but I think the emotion and exhaustion
led to falling asleep with no words
whispered in my ear,
no requirements that I put on his shoes
no random swats of my ass
no looks when I got sassy or rude
no…nothing.
We kissed and said "I love you"
We held hands
We walked and talked and played with the kids,
We did dishes and talked to friends.
We just had no D/s.

I didn't really notice.
I think I was so mired in my own little
pity-stress party that I didn't let it register.

Sooooooo,
then we arrived home
and apparently, Sir noticed.

Who knew?

Well…he did.
He wasn't happy with my behavior,
my sasyness, my rudeness, my missing submission.

Sadly, he wanted it back and oh bloody-hell,
had to spank the living shit out of my ass
before I could let go.

He wanted me to admit my submission to him
and I was being obstinate and sassy…
shocking, I know.

I was just … so not in the mindset.
And, dayam, he was taking no shit from me.

He trapped me below him and
made me submit, and by the time I finally did
I felt the weight of the world slip away.

I don't know why I fight it.
I do this periodically.
I am such a dumbass!

I mean seriously?!

I do feel this physical and mental shift.
I feel lighter, I feel freer, I feel happier,
I feel more like me.

So what the hell is wrong with me that I fight it?

I guess I am still just waiting for him to say,
"Well, that was fun, but let's go back."

He was absolutely perfect last night,
He held me tight,
didn't let me get away with anything,
then gave me EVERYTHING!

He took me to a place of utter bliss.

He's got clear expectations for me for today.

I am to be sans-underwear (bra and panties)
with the dinner of his request made,
house cleaned, laundry done, kids parented,
orgasm had while nipples were clamped and
daisies on my nipples by the time he walks through the door.

Better get a move on, I'm still in process for a couple.

But I also need to remember to stop fighting it!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

My Ass

I call Sir and without preamble he says,
"Come home now. 
I have a spot on the floor were 
you are going to sit 
at my feet 
and listen to me."

"I might be a while."


"Hustle your little ass home now!" he commands

"There's nothing little about it 
it's quite substantial, sadly." I retort

"When I'm done spanking it 
it's going to be red and sore 
is what it's going to be. 
Now hustle."

I love it when he is clear and concise and 

takes none of my shit!  

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

subkitty (aka Hislovely), ancilla_ksst and abby's Answers

  1. Please feel free to ask more questions or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him…as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.
subkitty (aka Hislovely) asked and I'll answer:
(sorry I got the questioner wrong…my bad.  I really do appreciate your question subkitty!!!
I would like to ask how do you and Sir Q recover from times when life gets in the way of the dynamic or get in to a fight.
If possible, id like to ask SirQ the same question.
This is a great question.  Life gets in the way tooooooo fucking much!!! Holy cow!!  But…that's life =) So, what do we do.  Well, we adjust, I suppose.  Sir periodically doesn't give a shit whose around, he'll spank my bum (just a swat, but a meaningful one), or he'll casually pull my hair or he'll take me around the corner or upstairs or someplace out of sight and "reset".  But when the busies take over or the stress gets overwhelming it frequently takes this sort of "Reset"…a hard spanking or beating, strong words of ownership, and tightening the leash so to speak to get us back on the same page and back into balance.   When we get into a fight, after TTWD, they are short lived and more infrequent than they were before. It's amazing.  Sir is getting very good at putting his foot down and resetting us.  I am eternally grateful, there is so little time spent being pissy or frustrated or angry.  

ancilla_ksst asked and I'll answer:
What was the first implement that really scared you at the thought of it being used on you? And after (if) you tried it, was it as bad as you imagined or did you like it? Did your feelings on that change over time? If you had to pick one of his implements to fall in a black hole and never see again what would it be?
Hmmmm, first implement that really scared me.  Well…I'm trying to think back.  Long ago…first…I'm not sure my memory is that good. I would guess that the first implement that "scared" me would be wax - not a striking implement, but something he used ON me. It scared the living bejeezus out of me.  Especially when he dripped it on my nipples or when he has dripped it on my pussy.  I don't think it was as bad as I imagined and I did like it.  As time has gone on, although we don't use wax frequently, I do love it.  It still scares me, every time, but I know I can take it.  I also know I LOVE it.  I love the fact that I'm typically restrained when he does it, so I have no choice but to let go.  It's in the letting go, that I can truly find the absolute pleasure!  
Now the second part of her question is sooooo easy.  That motherfucking hairbrush would go away!!!! I don't even know if I care what my hair looks like that much that I wouldn't do away with all possible hair brushes.  They are evil when used against one's behind! 

abby asked and I'll answer:
College sweethearts......how long did you know each other before you started into the D/s....or were you both kinky from the beginning and it grew?
I was completely inexperienced when Sir and I started dating.  He was not.  Though, I don't know if he had much or any kink in his previous relationships.  But ours kind of started out right away.  We started with switching pretty quickly…like within the first month.  Spankings and toys and bondage came to our relationship early.  He is very adventurous and so am I.  I'm also fairly insatiable so…we're well suited to kink, I think.

Monday, March 17, 2014

The Right Way To Solve This.

"We rarely have arguments like this anymore
and this was the right way to solve this one."

How was it solved, 
you may ask?

Well…the turning point came when 
he showed up at home, slammed the door
and yelled, 
"Where in the hell are you?"

Now, first off, Sir almost never yells.
Second, slamming doors is a pet peeve.
Third, he NEVER comes home from work.

apocalypse anyone?

He marches upstairs and 
holds the hysterical mess that is me at the moment.

After backing me into a corner and 
just holding tight, even when I push and resist,
he calms me down.

Once calm, he kisses me,
then puts his hand over my throat.

He whispers in my ear 
that he's going back to work, 
but not before he spanks me.

I ask him just to hug me.
He replies that he'll hug me,
but that he needs to spank me before he leaves.

After a wonderful bear hug,
where I am well and truly relaxed
from the state I had managed to work myself into,
he moves us both (still hugging me) to the bed.

He turns me around and 
reaches his arms around me.
He unfastens my belt and pants and 
pulls my pants and panties down.

He caresses my ass and then brings his hands up
under my shirt and undoes my bra.

He squeezes my nipples and breasts
and I close my eyes.

He tells me to bend over and 
put my hands all the way above my head.

I do as he asks and he steps away.
He retrieves the crop and asks,
"Do you want it hard or soft, fiona?"
"soft," I whisper back.
"Turn your head to the side so I can hear you,
and ask me for it."
oh, holy hell, I hate, Hate, HATE it when he does that.

"please" I squeak back.
"Please what, fiona?"
"please spank me."
"How?  Ask me for it." he commands.
UGH

"please spank me softly."  I reply.

*thwap*


"Ask me again."
"please" I squeak back.
"Please what, fiona?"
"please spank me."
"How?  You have to say it, fiona." he commands.
OH, SHIT!  I thought I could get away with not.  
Come On, just spank me already…however YOU WANT!!

"please spank me softly."  I reply.

*thwap*
(right on that sit spot)

------
-----
---
--
-

OK, I get it, Ihavetoaskorhe'sjustgoingtostandtherewiththe motherfuckingcroptouchingmyassandnotdoinganything!

"please spank me"

*thwa"pleasespankme."p*

*thwa"pleasespankme."p*

*Thw"pleasespankme."ap*

*Th"please"wap*

*TH"please"wap*

*TH"please"Wap*

*TH"please"WAp*

*THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP**THWAP*

As I reach my ouch limit, I begin to stand up.

He reaches around and grabs my tits.
He twists and pinches and the sting turns
to direct heat and pleasure - both tits and ass!

"Do you want three good strokes?"
"yes, please."
"How hard, fiona?"
"as hard as you like, sir."
"Get into position"

as soon as I am bent back over,
hands over my head,
he strikes low where my ass hits my thighs.

He gives me a minute to process,
then strikes in the middle.
Ohholyhell!
then he strikes just above that and
roughly turns me around.

He unzips his pants and
in one smooth moves, seats himself
balls deep inside of me.

"You are wet, fiona.  Sopping wet.
You needed this."
"yes." I say unembarrassed.
"So did I."
He fucks me hard and fast and 
reaching down he uses his hands to
maul my breasts.  

After the crying, the hugging,
the crop and the hard fuck with nipple play,
I'm so there.  
He squeezes one more time hard and 
as I try to catch my breast,
he smacks my face.  
I Cum, 
long and hard and fulfilling.

He did as well (though not in thirty seconds).

I have to concur with him,
it was the right way to solve this.

We both feel…BETTER!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Tom's Rose, Nilla and Ronnie's Answers

  1. Please feel free to ask more questions or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him…as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.

Tom's Rose asked and I'll answer:
Do you have a favorite movie?
Craziest place you and your hubby have gotten down to business?
Your biggest hurdle in TTWD when you first began?

Favorite movies:
I love movies!  Favorite movie probably depends on my mood…but here are some of my favs.  I adore Princess Bride, Pretty Woman, The Transporter, Frozen, The Heat (so freaking funny)

Crazies Place we've gotten down to business:  
hmmmmmm…maybe my husband's closet (in his Mom's house) when the house was filled with company after a funeral. Or there was the pool full of people at a wedding…In our defense, it was dark…The ocean in mid day in front of a beach full of people…The hot tub at 11:30pm the night before my wedding just before he left so he wouldn't see me the day of our wedding…ya, that's what I can come up with.  

Biggest hurdle in TTWD when we first began:
Well, as we were kinky for forever before we started labeling it or defining it, I'm not really sure.  I think one of the struggles I had when we first started NOT switching was maintaining my submissive attitude when I was so used to being snarky bitchy disrespectful.  I also really struggled with my guilt…feeling like Sir was missing part of himself and that he needed the submission he had give up to Top me.  


nilla asked and I'll answer:
would you ever see your role as slipping back into a Switch with your Sir? Would HE see that, now that he's been the Top for so long? and have you (or would you) play with others (a dungeon scene or something more private)?
Could I see our roles switching back to being switches?  Yes, I could see that.  We spent so so very long as switches, I could see a time that it just worked.  That said, Sir says it's forever, that we're never going back.  We'll see.  I hope we keep whatever role is appropriate so that we stay connected and that our relationship flourishes.  
As to the question of have or would I play with other's…the answer is no and yes.  I haven't ever played with others, other than a mutual friend spanking me once a very VERY long time ago upon Sir's request.  I would absolutely LOVE to play with other's or in front of others or both as long as Sir said it was ok.  Sadly I don't think it would ever happen, but I do think it is one of Sir's biggest fantasies as well…the thought of some guy playing with me on his command sends him sky high!

ronnie asked and I'll answer:
Who would you want to play the role of you in a movie?
Who would I WANT to play me…well that's a fun question.  I would WANT Minnie Driver or Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman or wait, Melissa McCarthy because she's fucking hilarious!!!  But none of them look like me, I just like them!  Honestly, I'd want ME to play ME in a role of me in a movie =)
What country would you like to visit?
Well this one is equally easy and … not!  I would love to travel, ANYWHERE!  I love Love LOVE to travel!!!  I would go most anywhere.  I would LOVE to go to Germany, Switzerland, Peru, Ecuador, India, Japan, Australia, Wales, England on top of the countries I have already visited!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Tori and Pearl's Answers

  1. I will answer in a couple of posts.  Please feel free to ask more or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him...as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.
  2. Tori asked and I'll answer:  

    1) What fantasy/fantasies would you most like to make reality?
    I would love to be used…
    ok…
    so this is always tricky.  
    saying a fantasy puts a tiny bit of you out on the line and I hope others don't read this and just decide that I'm seriously way to psychotic…but here goes…
    specifically, I fantasize about Sir letting other's use my body for their pleasure.  He arranges it and at times they can use my mouth and tits to their pleasure…other times, he sits in a corner and tells me to be a good girl and lets someone else fuck me…use me.

    2) Have you tried anything (both of you) that upon trying realised it didn't match up to how you thought it would be IE you didn't or he didn't like it?
    I think over the years we have tried many things…once or twice, but not again.  Most of the time space or comfort was more of an issue than anything else.  We don't frequently fuck in a vehicle, in a tiny shower, on the floor because it's just not comfy and we don't have to.  


    3) How did you meet?
    We met a college.  We lived in the same dorm and I adored him…like seriously love at first sight!  It's silly and sounds totally childish…but it was - for me.  I worked my ass off to get him, though.  He was older than me and very popular and insanely brilliant!  
  3. Pearl asked and I'll answer: 
    #1. Biggest irrational fear?
    Hmmmmm, irrational fear…I'm mostly afraid of loosing Sir.  Every time he leaves I feel a bit of angst.  I don't like the basement or the dark particularly.  =)

    #2. Spanking; for pleasure? and/or for punishment?
    Short answer, Yes.  Spanking is typically for pleasure, however he has punished me with wicked, non-sensual spanking and those hurt like hell…physically and emotionally.  But honestly, they're mostly all associated with positive energies/experiences.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Joey and Del's Answers

  1. I will answer in a couple of posts.  Please feel free to ask more or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him...as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.


    Joey asked and I'll answer:

    Do you ever write fantasy stories?
    I have not been a writer…of stories, journals, diaries, letters, etc. I write emails and texts on a regular basis…but it's been almost miraculous that I've kept this blog.  I started writing a fantasy…I'm a chapter in.  I don't know if I will ever finish it.  
  2. If you did, what period in time would you choose?
    If I wrote a fantasy, chance are it would be in present day.  Though I have read a chunk of historical fiction and enjoyed it…Victorian age or Arthurian or Highland based - yes I know I just mixed time and place =)
  3. DelFonte asked and I'll answer:

    Did your dynamic start in the bedroom only? 
    Yes, our dynamic was bedroom only.  While we have always had some kink in our sex, D/s (as switch or solely one role) didn't exist outside of the bedroom until about 2 years ago.

    How did it migrate to other parts of life?
    When the switching ended and D/s became D=Sir and s=me…that's when it migrated to other parts of life.  Due to circumstances, I desperately needed Him, his consistency, his strength, his leadership…both inside the bedroom and out.  He kept me from falling apart and loosing myself. 

Friday, March 7, 2014

Sofia's Answers





  1. I will answer in a couple of posts.  Please feel free to ask more or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him...as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.





    This whole answering questions is kinda fun…thanks for playing along!  Please feel free to ask more or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him...as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.


    Sofia asked and I'll answer:

    1. What do you like most about submission? Least?
    Wow…that's a question that I could ponder for…a LOOOOONG time!
    Hmmmmm.  
    I guess some of what I love most about submission would be the settled, contented, safe place of knowing where I am and who I am and what I am.  
    Least, well….I guess I dislike my inability to submit sometimes…especially when I want to but am unwilling to.  Does that make any sense?


    2. If you could change one thing - about yourself, or your relationship, or anything in your life - what would it be and how would you want it to be different?
    I would love to change my self image.  I struggle with not loving how I look and I would love to learn to.  I would also love some more self restraint or self control…or Maybe for Sir to have less ;)

    3. What is your favorite memory? It can be submissive or vanilla.
    Well, dating my Sir…forever ago…Days my kids were born
    …Spending time with my siblings…Being fucked into oblivion…Listening to my children laugh…
    yup, can't pick just one.

    4. What is your favorite kinky activity?
    Being bound, beaten and used.  Easy peasy.  =0

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Abby's Answers

  1. Thanks for the questions.

    I really appreciate them, really!
    It's interesting to explore questions that people ask...think about something I haven't thought about before...things that I often just hadn't thought about or explored.  So...really - Thank YOU!


    I will answer in a couple of posts.  Please feel free to ask more or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him...as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.


    Abby asked and I'll answer:
    1. I know that yours used to be a 'switch' relationship, if possible to share, what caused that to change....one event or some discussions?
    Well, it's sort of complicated and sort of easy.  The easy answer is that I had a devastating series of events that shattered me and Sir stepped up and grounded me and held me together with his Dominance.  

    2. You can choose 1 'toy' to give away forever, what do you choose.
    The fucking HAIRBRUSH!!!  But sadly, my hair may object =)

    3. Is there something that you have not been spanked with, but would love to try?
    A whip…I think…
    (or several other peoples hands)

    4, When did you first realize you were submissive?
    I had the feelings within the first few months of dating my Sir…over a couple of dozen years ago.  Though, I didn't put the word to the feelings until a couple of years ago.  I did life those dozens of years as a switch…so spending time being a submissive and embracing submission and then Topping for Sir.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Submission vs. Obedience

So, DV at A Dauntless Journey had a post about Submission vs Obedience.

You know how there are those posts every once that just speak to you.

Well, I read this one and it was like a lot of things clicked into place.

I feel kind of like a new (or maybe just a bit back to the old) me!


So, I've written several times in the recent past that
I've been struggling with my submission, but I think
I've actually been struggling with my obedience and 
that has been putting a strain on my submission.

The way DV explains the difference between 
submission and obedience makes a lot of sense to me…
a brief snippet of his post…

"submission is what is inside and what you feel, whereas obedience is the actual action that take place.  Obedience is part of submission, but submission isn't necessarily part of obedience.  You have to feel it in your heart and then your actions to represent what you feel, for the two to be part of the same thing.  Anyone can drop down on their knees, but it's what you feel inside and the intent behind it that holds the true meaning."

My comment to DV was:
"Thank you so much for your very timly post. I've been struggling with my submission for a while now. But what I actually think, after reading this, is that I've been fighting my obedience. I think I periodically do this because it was so ingrained in me in childhood that submission was weekness and inherently bad. But it feeds me and nurtures me. Thank you so very much for your post."


I was raised to believe that 
submitting to anyone…ever
was a sign of weakness and 
always a fault or a sadness.

Oh, poor so-and-so, she's just let's herself get run over.

Now the fact that I submit to my husband
that would be a crime beyond punishment.
For a woman to submit to anyone, let alone a man
clearly means she has no self-worth and 
is week and faulty and broken.

But here I am…
I am submissive.

I love being submissive.

I am calmer,
more patient,
more fulfilled,
happier,
more content,
energized by
my submission.

I love submitting to my husband.

I want to submit to my husband.

So after reading DV's post, I kind of realized 
that I have been fighting…not my submission,
but my obedience.

I've been very intentionally
fighting being obedient,
and that has put a strain on me.
I have been out of sorts, because
I'm fighting something that then
puts a strain on my submission which
then puts a strain on … me.

It's silly, but I fall into those old tapes
from childhood and forget that 
it's ok for me to be me, and that I 
need to embrace who and what I am.