Communication

Communication…the best thing that Sir and I have going for us…

other than true love ;-)

I have been struggling with finding my submissive groove.  I know it.  When in the moment, I'm all there, but it's fleeting.  Like this illusive quality that I love when I'm holding it but which quickly disappears when I step away for a minute.  Silly, shouldn't be like that.  I've got more to manage and stress over and manipulate in our day-to-day lives right now.  I am mommy-domme and organizer of our household and it's taking all of my mental capacity to get it done.  This means that I'm un-submissive and all over the place and can't seem to get my mind around to where I it should be…no, where I want it to be.  

Yesterday, Sir asked me, while we were in bed, what was wrong.  I started to talk to him, but clammed up.  I just couldn't get the words out.  In the morning, I sent this email to him on his private account.  I had to call him and tell him it was there as he doesn't check it unless I tell him I'm sending him something.  Every once and a while I can just articulate where I am so much better in writing…not all the time, but sometimes.

Here are the two emails that we sent yesterday:

fiona  (one day ago)

So, I am warring with myself.

ON ONE HAND:

I feel like I am being rejected when I have asked for you to tie me up…in many different ways and you've said that you will and then it doesn't happen.  AND when I have asked you to please "tighten the screws" - to plug me more frequently (I know that anal isn't your thing, but even telling me to put in the plug would be helpful) - to help me a bit more.  I am resisting.  I can tell.  It's even more frustrating that I can tell that I'm doing it.  I'm stressed and sad and stressed -have I mentioned stressed?  That will help.  Submitting will help.  I know it does.  I know I WANT IT.  I hope you want it.  But I've asked several times and then when none of it happens I feel rejected or … idk.  I wish you would push…I wish you would not accept it when I clam up and aren't forthcoming with you.  I wish you would have consequences when I misbehave…make a point.  

ON THE OTHER HAND:

I feel like I have no business asking any more of you when you're stressed and insanely busy and doing a ton…both at home and at work.  I feel like I have no business complaining when I have had the best sex of my life over the last five years - last few in particular.  I feel like I am being selfish and self-centered and unsubmissive - pushing for my needs and wants and not being grateful enough for all that I am getting.  

I also think I walk the line of wanting you to be a hard-ass-Master and a considerate-Dom.  I want you to push me sometimes but be compassionate others…and I'm sure that's a minefield that I've set up in my head

ANYWAY:

That's where I am.  I will work on getting myself straight. I know myself well enough to know if you simply tell me to plug myself today or jump in, I'll feel like you're just doing it because I pitched a fit.  That's not what I want.  I have to make myself content and deal.  Sometimes writing helps me do it.  I'll work on me…and know that I am grateful for you!

Love you,

fiona

Sir Q	11:35 PM (23 hours ago)
Wow. That helps me a lot. I love hearing your thoughts and this is clearly a great way for you to express them. I now understand last night. I do struggle finding the push-but-compassion line but that is obviously not the issue here. I just get so overloaded and distracted. I cannot explain why but yesterday was not my sharpest day intellectually. It was a great day but not my best brain-game day.

I do want to Dom. I do like bondage. I do want to plug u. YOU will make sure shit is together so we can have some alone time on Friday night. I want to go to bed @ 9:30. We will have some me dom time. Put it in pen in your calendar. You will tell me sheepishly how much you are looking forward to it on Friday.

Good girl
Pretty girl
Sent from my iPod

No Mind-Reading

"I can't be expected to know what 

you aren't telling me you need."
                                                                           Sir says to me

Ugh, sometimes I forget.  As much as I discuss communication as being the be-all-end-all...periodically, I fall off the communication-wagon.  Sir and I have had an amazing relationship from the beginning...we have ALWAYS communicated frequently and well.  HOWEVER, sometimes, I fall into the trap of thinking that he should know what I want, he should know what I need.  Without a clue - without a word - without a hint from body language.  He should know.  

And when he doesn't, I'm hurt and mad and often petulant.  Typically after this, we reset and talk and work things through and he reminds me to talk to him...to communicate with him...that he isn't a mind reader, that...

he can't be expected to know what I'm not telling him.

DUH!