Hmmmm

I ran into someone today who had 
a tattoo of their slave registration,

When I asked what it was, the answer was
Young and Dumb.

Hmmmm....does that mean her relationship was a something she regretted,
the tattoo,
the slavery,
the registration,

hmmmmmmmm.

My response was simply, 
nah, not dumb.

Switching Around TTWD

So, Sir and I had spent
Many, Many years
decades even,
being switches.

Then four years being D/s, M/s, D/lg
where Sir was the D,M,D
    - and of course I was the s,s,lg :)

...and over the past month or two,
we have had moments of our previous selves.

We have switched a time or ten.

It's tricky for us.
Sir can switch very quickly and easily.

I have a bit harder time, mentally.

and if...
no, when I cum...I mentally switch myself
I put myself into a submissive role.

Sir feels some guilt for it, I believe.
and
I feel guilt for not fulfilling his switching sides.

It's quite a quandry.

We talk, we communicate our feelings and needs.
We're working it out.

That's why it's called The Thing WE Do...

Punishment and Discipline and Us

I had never thought about
the difference between
discipline and punishment.

I kind of lump them together
in my mind
so deconstructing them
in my mind
has taken some time.

My current thinking is as follows:

To me punishment
is a consequence
for a bad behavior or choices.
It typically has no pleasure component
and is much more severe or harsh.
It's meant to teach a specific lesson.

Discipline however has been
what it's taken me
more time to understand.

For me, I see Discipline as less harsh,
and as a way to reinforce our M/s or D/s roles.
It could include or end with
some pleasure or fun or continued playtime.

I have also heard others refer to this as
Maintenance.

Because of all of the drama
over the past four months of my life,
we have been really slacking in our rituals
our roles have taken a back seat to...life.

There has been little required of me and
I have lost a lot of my submissive headspace.
It's left me feeling more adrift - less content.
While some of that is my grieving process,
some of it is the lack of M/s-D/s.

Master is now determined to get us back
on the straight and narrow.

I will propose to him that
more regular discipline or maintenance
be part of our lives for the short-term.
That we work hard on recapturing our
rituals and our spanking
I want to recapture my submission.
desperately.

This could be good or it could be bad.
There has been so little spanking
in the past few months
that my skin is so much more sensitive
and I am much less disciplined about
my behavior during spankings

It will take time to recapture
my proper behavior.

I miss the contentment
that has come with knowing my place
and my expected behavior.

I hope we can get back
to where we were
or
find a new and improved place to be.

Time will tell.

Release

I had a really bad day.

Master knew and was trying.
We had lunch together.
We talked and he worked on helping me through.

But by bed time...
I was done.

I was bratting something fierce...
ok - that's not exactly fair,
but Master would certainly say I was being
cheeky

He abruptly and forcefully placed me over the bed.
He spanked me several times

Oh hell...he spanked the tar out of one specific spot
with his hand...hard.

I could tell, I was in desperate need of a release.
I had bottled up so many feelings
and needed a release.

needed catharsis.

He asked if I was done,
I shook my head no.

He told me he was getting the brush.

Now, I'm not sure if anyone really LIKES the brush...
I certainly do NOT!

But, I knew I needed him to continue with my spanking.
I needed more.

I kept myself still and waited over the bed.

He continued with the brush,
over and over in the same spot as he had spanked with his hand.

It hurt.
It stung.
It was difficult, but it was just what I needed.

He spanked and I worked myself up...
and over...
and cried.

I cried

and cried.

and when I finally answered that, "Yes, Master, I have had enough"
He spanked me three more times,
holding me securely on the bed
and then he snuggled up next to me,
and pulled me to him
and snuggled me.

I was a sobbing mess...but
really

I was released from my emotional mess
that I had worked myself into.

I was...better.

After I calmed,
He lay me up in the bed,
and he made me cum...
oh dear God, he made me cum.
Over and over, til I was mindless...
and he put me to sleep...
released and renewed.

One Month

One month ago today...

I was functional...
deep in the throws of DsMs
because we have really progressed past
Dominance and Submission to a more
Master/Slave relationship.

We were into ritual and rules
I was doing a great job following my rules (so says I)
He was enjoying being my Master (once again...so thinks me :)

One month ago TOMORROW

I had major surgery
I no longer have a body part that I did
I became BIONIC :)

hehehehe

sadly, there went Ms
There went rules
There went ritual
There went anything but ...
moment to moment functioning
getting through the pain
getting through the drugs
getting through the day

so...here I am...one month

I am better.
I am still broken
I am still recovering and will be for a LONG time to come.

I am really focused on physical therapy
I have one more month of pushing HARD.

We are having sex.
We are playing a little.
I have been spanked twice and swatted several more times.
We are starting to have more ritual and rules
and he is pulling me back into my place...
because I'm sooooo not there...
BUT I WANT TO BE!

We are one month in....
and many more to go!

A Bold Choice (Part 2 of Bringing It)

Sir and I had a conversation over the phone...

He explained that I was raised to be an alpha dog...
that I was trained to be like that.

He is so right...I was raised to be
one strong woman.
But not just strong...because I'm still strong...
but I was raised to be right...to be completely self sufficient
to be capable of everything.

And for the most part, I am.

But I'm Not.

I am capable...I am very self sufficient...I am strong...
I am hugely capable.
But I am NOT an alpha dog.

Well...I and I'm not.

I have been for a long long time...
but I am  me...I am most comfortable being submissive.

I am a natural submissive who was raised to be large and in charge.

It's taken me so long to figure that out.
But figure it out I have.... with Master's help.

"You found solace in submission because it is who you are." Master said.
"We are going to the next level."

He explained that a big part of where He is now and
where I am now has to do with when I gave him that piece of paper, as he says.
When I gave him my slave registration papers...
formally and completely giving myself to Him.

I told Him,
"I want to go to a place when I am allowed and expected to be who I am."

He explained that by giving Him that piece of paper,
we went from thinking...Oh on Saturday I like fettish play or I want a spanking.
That it was a bold choice and that I completely give myself up.

He told me that He had asked repeatedly if this is what I've wanted and
every time I've said yes...I want this...I want to be His...I want to be His slave!

He said, "I'm not asking any more.
You're mine.  
I own every bit of you.
It's no longer about you .  
It's about me."

He told me that He has some unhealthy habits to break and that
I REALLY have some unhealthy habits to break
and He's responsible to break those habits.

"I will break you of these habits.  
I will break these habits gently 
because I am a gentile man and 
sometimes I will break them brutally 
because that is the right thing."

"fiona, you are mine.  
I value my stuff.  
I don't want to break my stuff.  
I want you to take care of my stuff.  
I do want to push you but I don't want to break you.  
I expect you to tell me if I'm breaking you.
But I make no mistake...I will be deciding.  Always.
We're going to make this habitual.
This is a bold choice, fiona."

Bringing It (Part 1)

I have been gone for a week now.
Away from my Sir,
Away from my Master.

I have been missing my kids...

I have been dealing with tough stuff
stressed...hugely stressed
Getting very little sleep.

And...

Sir has brought it.

He has taken a huge leap in our relationship.

He's been communicating with me
constantly.

He's keeping me sane.
Keeping me focused.
Guiding me from afar.

We have long conversations...
and they are

wonderful,
scary,
exciting,
challenging
scary
challenging
exciting
wonderful
:)

He reminds me...

I Am His.

I belong to Him.

This isn't about me anymore.

I Am His.

Double Standard

As I was getting ready for bed,

Sir said something and

I said..."you would never allow me to say such a thing!"

Now unfortunately, I followed that up with being a tiny bit cheeky. 

He quickly put me on the floor

And said, in that Master's voice,

With that Master's glare,

"What lead you to believe that 

There isn't a double standard here?"

Well that cleared it up nicely!

Fucking Laughter

So Sir and I were in bed last night.

He put me in position -

which means me with my legs butterflied open
and my hands above my head holding onto the bed

and he made me cum like a wild child.

He has a way of making me the
MOST wanton, insatiable, horny slut!

I was given permission and I all but
attacked his cock

I sucked voraciously.

Sir pulled me up and set me on his Cock.

"You do love to have cock in your mouth, don't you fiona?"

"Yes, Sir!" I said as I rode him hard.

He reaches up and fondles my tits

"Tell me whose cock you want to suck."

"Yours, Sir"

"Who else, fiona?"

"Anyone, that you tell me to Sir."

He's pinching more and I'm fucking faster.

"Tell me, fiona...what would you do if I told you to suck off other men?"

"I'd suck them and beg them to fuck my face.  When they got close, I'd take their cum..."

He's close...beginning to cum.
He loves the idea of me sucking off someone else.
(me too)

His pinching of my nipples intensifies.

"Sir, I'd swallow, or"

He starts to cum and he's pinching my nipples wicked hard

"hold it in my mouth until you gave me directions"

He pinches painfully hard and I squeak out

"or have them cum on ...

the

nipples

you 

just

tore 

off!!!"

the last word was squeaked out as the pain got so intense!

He releases my nipples as bursts into laughter...
as do I.

So we lay there...still connected intimately...laughing hysterically!

It was fulfilling in so many ways!

The Cane and the Teddy Bear

After dinner I went into our room
and began to fold clean clothes
(oh yes...so mundane)

Sir came up behind me and
put his arms around.
He fondled my breasts,
took off my bra,
and pinched and pulled my nipples
until I was starting to moan.

He whispered in my ear
that he was very happy with what I had made for dinner
and that I had not been too inappropriate
when he was late for dinner
and that I was doing such a better job of listening
and obeying.

He told me that as a reward,
he would cane me,
so I was to drop my pants and lay over the side of the bed.

I quickly did, and he retrieved the cane.

He tapped so nicely and I was really enjoying
until he TAPPED.
YOUCH!

then he immediately went back to light
taps
As I started to moan,
TAP
YOUCH!

Then as the pattern continues and I'm starting to
really let go,
he tells me to start asking for it.

So when the pain morphs into warm, yummy feelings
I have to ask.
If I don't ask quickly enough the TAP is excruciating...
ok - not excruciating but really severe.

---------

Later, I was talking to Sir and said,
"Sometimes, would you just let me float away,
and not pull my back?"

He asked what I meant and I explained
that as he makes me ask for things
or communicate, that he pulls me back
from floating away on my endorphins high into
lovely floaty sub-space.

and he laughs...
NOT an evil laugh...
a total teddy bear laugh,
grins at me,
and says,
"Well, I guess, that's just part of the sadist in me."

So freaking incongruous...
talking about the sadist in him
all the while smiling like a
cuddly, darling, teddy bear.

Oh, do I ever love my Master!

DelFonte's Question

Thanks for the questions.

I really appreciate them, really!

It's interesting to explore questions that people ask...think about something I haven't thought about before...things that I often just hadn't thought about or explored - both vanilla and kinky.  So...really - Thank YOU!

Please feel free to ask more or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him...as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.

DelFonte asked and I'll answer:

1. What are you looking forward to most about being a slave and how do you think the shift to M/s will compare to how your dynamic currently works?

I actually think it is our normal D/s but just...more.  I am working on being much more obedient and he has certainly been more...dominant on the whole.  I don't know if anything will change other than we have solidified our places much more than before.  I could be wrong, but that's my current thought.

2. What music have you been listening to lately?

A LOT!  I listen and sing all the time with the kids and without.  So...I pulled up my iPod play list and my most frequently placed recent files are...
      Take Me to Church by Hozier
      Centuries by Fall Out Boy
      Animals by Maroon V
      Lips are Movin by Meghan Trainor
      Style by Taylor Swift
      Fancy by Iggy Azalea
      Habits by Tove Lo 

Registered

Well...thanks to a post from tori at Pain's Pleasure,
where she was telling about the Slave Registry,

I got a wild hair and decided to investigate.

Then, of course, decided that I should register myself
and give my registration to Sir for Valentine's day.

So...after doing just that...
I got swept up in vanilla life with kids and ...
WaLa...totally forgot that I had done it.

UGH.  My mind is so shot!

Then, out of the blue, we had a conversation where
Sir tells me he wants me to be His Slave...

What are the chances?

At which point, I remember that I had registered myself.  OMG!

So...I printed out my registration papers and ...

presented them to my Sir...to my Master.

He
Was
Thrilled!

Can you believe it?

I am still shocked that He wants me...as a submissive
That He accepts me as a masochist, spanko.
That He wants what I want to give him.

But when He was ... honored

Yes, that was how he reacted,
he was honored,
that I gave him Slave papers.

He put them in our safe and ...

proceeded to beat his slave...

in all the best ways!

Slave

So...Sir and I had a
middle of the night,
when snuggled together in the
dark of our bed
heart-to-heart.

He told me that he wanted all of me.

I told him that I wanted him to have all of me.

We continued to discuss...what this meant.

Giving and Accepting...

• body
• mind
• mouth
• tongue
• limits

I told him that I wanted to give him...

everything.

He told me that he wanted it, Now.

He told me that he wanted me to be his slave.

OMFG

I didn't even know he knew the word...what it meant.
I mean - of course he KNOWs the word, but not in this context!

So we discussed what being his slave means to Him.

To US it means me giving up more... 

working harder on being His...
No more just saying No...giving up my limits and expectations...

Adhering to His limits, His expectations, His to use or not as He sees fit.  

His!