Switching Around TTWD

So, Sir and I had spent
Many, Many years
decades even,
being switches.

Then four years being D/s, M/s, D/lg
where Sir was the D,M,D
    - and of course I was the s,s,lg :)

...and over the past month or two,
we have had moments of our previous selves.

We have switched a time or ten.

It's tricky for us.
Sir can switch very quickly and easily.

I have a bit harder time, mentally.

and if...
no, when I cum...I mentally switch myself
I put myself into a submissive role.

Sir feels some guilt for it, I believe.
and
I feel guilt for not fulfilling his switching sides.

It's quite a quandry.

We talk, we communicate our feelings and needs.
We're working it out.

That's why it's called The Thing WE Do...

Q&A

OK...so I have been woefully absent.  

I am very sorry.

I am happy to answer any questions
from anyone in Blogland.

Please let me know - personal or private
I'm happy to answer away :)

Submission or Not

We are struggling to get back into our...
flow.

I'm feeling like such an impostor these days.

When allowed, I so enjoy being submissive.
But,
I don't choose it on my own, though.
Does that make any sense?
I push, I don't follow any rules or rituals,
I am sassy and rude (not always or even a lot, but still),
I'm simply not choosing to be submissive.

When we have sex...typically He's Dominant and I'm submissive.

However, He's also not requiring it daily from me.

We just start getting into our normal...
or what used to be our normal D/s or M/s routines,
and then we get busy or stressed or sad or have kids stuff and ...
we're right back to vanilla.

Forever, not just recently,
He talks to me during sex and says
what He's going to do...either during our session,
or right after or later that day or days or weeks and
it's so sexy and so Dominant and such a turn on.
But, then He cums - and
He's either asleep or totally back to vanilla...
though I'm sure that's not really fair...
it's just sometimes how I feel.

But

I don't forget, and I don't revert to vanilla.
It makes it feel too much like a game
It makes me feel let down or disappointed
It makes me feel like an impostor
and so I withdraw further
and am feeling so much less sexual.

I miss it.  I miss the settling of submission
I miss the control, I miss the respect, I miss it all.

I don't know how to fix it...other than time.
I worry that it won't be the same,
that we won't get back,
that it'll just be fun...
but not real...
or just not.

Fuzzy...Fuzzier...Fuzziest

OK...well, this morning was a ...
well
it's
kind
of

m
        i

    x            e
             d

up in my head.

Master was exhausted after a crappy evening and night
so this morning he slept in.
After all of the morning activities (done by 8:30),
I got naked and got into bed with a very sleepy and WARM Master.

He snuggled for a few minutes and then
turned over and began to have roaming hands.

He began playing with my nipples,
rubbing my body,
fingering my pussy.

He began talking...talking about being a "good girl" today...
being a "submissive girl" today.

He talked about stretching out my pussy with the Gigantic purple dildo
AND
about me NOT cumming until he gave me permission.

there was a lot of playing and fondling my body and
working me up...mentally...physically.

At some point, He told me to get a pair of nipple clamps
that I wanted to have on my nipples.

I grabbed the clover clamps while He got ...
i didn't know what He was doing actually.

My brain was already kinda scrambled.
I was in a horny fog!
Seriously Fuzzy!

He was thrilled that I chose the clover clamps instead of something more gentile.

He pinched and pulled and ... applied the clamps
and OWIE - they can so hurt...but lucky for me,
as soon as he applied them, he pulled the chain and put it in my mouth.
EEK

He then...oh - I know what He was getting -
He got the Magic Wand out and commanded me to "Open your Pussy"
When He uses that tone, there is not much wiggle room.

As soon as I opened up, he put the Wand on and ...
Oh, I wanted to cum.
But I was told not to...
I breathed...I wiggled...I squirmed, I moaned, I breathed,
I literally talked myself through not cumming...
He was so proud of me and when he told me to cum,
He grabbed the clamp chain out of my mouth
and began yanking on it!
I came...I came hard...
and then was - kinda - out.
Fuzzy...Fuzzier

"Go get the Purple Dildo, little girl"
I scrambled...wanting to please Him...
As soon as I turned over, began to crawl to the side of the bed,
His hand came around my back to hold me around my waist,
He trapped me, holding me firmly, and began to paddle my ass.
He didn't start slowly,
He hit full force on my ass...
The nipple clamps being tugged as I was forced face down on the bed,
My ass on fire...I was loud and
desperate for the pain...desperate for the pleasure
Desperate for it to continue...to end...nope...to continue!

The pain of the clamps,
the complete helpless feeling of being pinned down by Him,
the pain of the spanking
the knowledge that I could scream or carry on and it didn't effect anything
Was...so freeing, so erotic, so hot!

When allowed, I got the Gigantic Purple Dildo and
laid on my back and he looked in my eyes and said...
"Show me how much you want this"
(after quickly untwisting my nipples in those fucking clover clamps)
I took the dildo and slid it in seamlessly!

Oh, I was eager and wet and wanting!
I fucked myself and He took the clamps off...
As I screamed, He took my head and put it in His neck and
soothed me as he kneaded my breasts.
When I was calmer, he repeated the process
with the other breast.
His comfort in the face of the pain that He caused,
was erotic as all hell!
As if that wasn't enough, as I was screaming
through the second clamp coming off,
he used his free hand to take the dildo and
Fuck me Hard...
Fuzzy...Fuzzier...Fuzziest!

Punishment and Discipline and Us

I had never thought about
the difference between
discipline and punishment.

I kind of lump them together
in my mind
so deconstructing them
in my mind
has taken some time.

My current thinking is as follows:

To me punishment
is a consequence
for a bad behavior or choices.
It typically has no pleasure component
and is much more severe or harsh.
It's meant to teach a specific lesson.

Discipline however has been
what it's taken me
more time to understand.

For me, I see Discipline as less harsh,
and as a way to reinforce our M/s or D/s roles.
It could include or end with
some pleasure or fun or continued playtime.

I have also heard others refer to this as
Maintenance.

Because of all of the drama
over the past four months of my life,
we have been really slacking in our rituals
our roles have taken a back seat to...life.

There has been little required of me and
I have lost a lot of my submissive headspace.
It's left me feeling more adrift - less content.
While some of that is my grieving process,
some of it is the lack of M/s-D/s.

Master is now determined to get us back
on the straight and narrow.

I will propose to him that
more regular discipline or maintenance
be part of our lives for the short-term.
That we work hard on recapturing our
rituals and our spanking
I want to recapture my submission.
desperately.

This could be good or it could be bad.
There has been so little spanking
in the past few months
that my skin is so much more sensitive
and I am much less disciplined about
my behavior during spankings

It will take time to recapture
my proper behavior.

I miss the contentment
that has come with knowing my place
and my expected behavior.

I hope we can get back
to where we were
or
find a new and improved place to be.

Time will tell.