Working Through What Life Brings

So Sir and I had a very hard discussion last night.  He was prepping me for an inevitable end that I don't want to end.  No one is dying, but it's an end to something that I love.  It was a planned end.  It was expected.  But my love for this thing (and no I'm not explaining what the thing is, sorry) was unexpected but non-the-less...it's there and it's real.

So we had this discussion and I went through many quick steps of grieving all at once...It was an exhausting night.

So at the beginning of our evening, we were sitting in the living room.  The fire was lit, we were comfortable, the evening had been lovely.  He began the conversation with, "Ok, fiona.  We need to take a few minutes and really talk about this.  I need to know where you stand and we need to be in this together."  As we are with all major decisions in our life.  We are together.  He continued talking.  I listened.  I didn't look at him, which was not typical of either of us, but I think it was just a lot of information and a lot of processing and I didn't want to make eye contact.  He finished talking and I continued to sit there listening...to nothing.  Finally he said, "fiona, I've said my peace.  I've given you a lot to think about.  What do you think."  I sat quietly.  Alone.

Then I opened up my mouth.  I was angry.  We argued for a while until I was SERIOUSLY PISSED.  Now my love, my Sir, my husband is a good Great man.  He wasn't doing anything TO me, he was discussing and trying to work through.  Eventually when I had argued and argued, I got up and picked up my things.  He looked quizzically at me and said, "Are you going to bed??"  to which I SHOUTED..."YYYYYEEEEESSSSS" in a none-too-pleasant tone.

WTF, fiona.  I stomped upstairs in all of my five-year-old-glory and went to our bedroom.  He followed me upstairs.  He put his hand on my neck and pushed me over the bed.  I was MAD.  I don't want this. I don't want a SPANKING.  I don't want anything but to wallow in self-pity.  So I fought for a minute, maybe even only 30 seconds and then accepted no acknowledged my need.

He helped me rid myself of my pants and panties and he spanked, and I cried, immediately.  Damn, I am NOT a crier, but I needed to cry.  It felt good to cry.  I HATE THAT by the way.  I hate to cry and I hate that it was cathartic.  But there you have it.  He spanked me with his hand and with the clipboard, it's what was immediately accessible.

At the end, he rubbed and rubbed and then pulled me up and held me.  He caressed my had and rubbed my back.  He tipped my chin up to look at him and said, "That wasn't enough, I know.     I know."

And I think it was him saying it was all he could do.  He couldn't listen to me cry, sob into the bed and continue to beat me.  He needed to sooth too, he needed to connect, he needed to care for me also.  And he's right.  It wasn't enough.  But I needed the connection and the soothing and care also.  I needed it all.  It wasn't enough, but it was a start, and I'm grateful for that.

My Wiring and Orgasm Denial

I know I have read many peoples posts which include orgasm denial as part of their dynamic.  This has never been something that Sir and I have explored or have any desire to explore.  I say that so confidently, but I don't think we've ever discussed it.  It seems amazing to me that after this many years, there are still things we've not discussed. 

I know Sir isn't interested in it, not from conversations about it, but because he knows me.  He knows how I work...and orgasm denial simply wouldn't work for me.  I don't know, maybe I'm broken (hehehe...ya, not broken, just not wired that way).  You see...for me the saying goes...absence makes the heart go wander (not absence makes the heart grow fonder).

Now I know, I wasn't talking about love or my heart, I was talking about orgasms.  But it still applies.  When I'm not very sexual, when I have no orgasms, when lust isn't fanned and hornyness isn't fueled, I simply want less.  I need less.  I desire less.  I grow accustomed to a new norm where less is there and adapt to want, need, fantasize about sex less.

So my question, dear blogland friends, is what's your take.

1.  How are you wired?  Get more, want more   OR   Get less, want more   OR   something else?
2.  Any idea why it is that way for you?
3.  Is your partner wired the same way?

Electricity and Sir

My feelings for Sir are similar to my feelings toward electricity.

Hear me out.

Ok, so this weekend I was doing a bit of wiring at my house.  I was taught to wire outlets and other such things as a child.  I have been wiring or re-wiring things as necessary for the past thirty-something years.  For some jobs, I'll wire them live (meaning I don't turn the power to the outlet or that portion of the house off).  I know...before you really let into me...I know, it's STUPID.  (happy Conina??) So...back to my weekend project.  I was re-wiring - something that I've done a bazillion times (YES, that's the actual number of times) - and I freaking shocked myself THREE times.  UGH...so after the third time, I turned the circuit breaker to that out outlet off.  I know, I know, took me LONG enough...huh?

Now, do you ever have those moments where two things that are NOT at all connected become fussed together?  Well, maybe it was the extra electricity flowing through my body, but I had the thought...hmmm Electricity and Sir have so much in common...so many traits...similarities.

Similarities between

My Sir AND Electricity

• Both are electric....(well that was obvious)
• Both send sparks through my body (hopefully not too many)
• Both have the ability to harm
• Both have the ability to hurt
• I find the right amount of pain given by both quite erotic
• Both allow greater adventure at night
• Both require my respect
• Both illuminate my world
• Both have the ability to shock me 
• I fear neither
• When I behave inappropriately with them, I get a quick correction
• I am able to live without both for short periods of time
• I want to live without neither

Okay, so you get the idea...I'm sure there are tons more.  

They both have the ability to hurt and harm, I have spent decades learning about both, Sir and electricity, in college and thereafter.   This knowledge has taught me a healthy amount of respect.  I respect them but don't fear them.  

Spanking Roller-Coaster

Frequently this is how a spanking effects me…

especially a long, luxurious, firm, endorphin releasing, life affirming spanking!

I’m tense

(thought I don’t always realize this until I get to step two when I notice....my muscles relaxing),

     I decompress with each strike,

          I’m notably calm,

               I’m palpably relaxed.

                    I begin to pant,

                         I begin to feel the excitement from the spanking,

                              I’m aroused

                                   I cum – quickly, but loudly,

I’m tense 

(muscles tense from cumming),

     I decompress with each strike,

          I’m notably calm,

               I’m palpably relaxed.

Oh how I 

love 

my spanking 

roller-coaster.  

Words of Basdom

I was introduced to Bas through his blog and comments left there...then subsequently comments he left on mine.  I love his blog.  He is honest and real and a caring HoH.  

Some of the comments to me that I especially appreciated are direct, to the point, honest and kind.  He is genuine and thoughtful.  Bas, I appreciate your contribution to my blog and my life.

Some comments by Bas which were especially meaningful are:
We men aren't very good in keeping things hidden. I'm glad women have direct nerve connections between bottom and voice, otherwise we never could find out about their deepest wishes.

(with regard to the blogging village)
I like living in this village. No judgemental neighbors.

...I have sent my little doggie to your site and she settled in real comfy.

But you are in Blogland.
Shameless does not exist here.
Here we use the 'good' interpretation of what is said.
I saw it as a just reminder that I had forgotten to do something really important.
The older I get, the more I need the reminders.
So, thank you for reminding me that I forgot something important.
If I may say one thing about your site: I do have trouble reading the text. Have to enlarge it to 150%.
My eyes are not doing what I tell them to do.
Hugs,
Bas
SO THIS COMMENT was really important.  He was one of the only people to tell me they were having trouble reading my blog.   Once I changed it, I had comments that it was so much more readable, but no one ever took the plunge to let me know.  I so appreciated his candor.  He also then e-mailed with me to get it just right.  I appreciate that support, as a newbie. 

Thank you Fiona, Yes, that's what we needed.
Long dark mornings are good for the communication!

It is indeed funny to think that non of your IRL friends know that you are actually a "mlb", named Fiona.
I'm glad to know that important part of your life.
I'm glad to be part of this caring family.

"You don't have to do this"???? Where did you get that idea? That doesn't sound like your dynamic. Pretty silly indeed.

See...just honest...calling me on my silliness, but kindly.

We are all needy. The only thing you could do when you lost that neediness, is becoming a nun. That's not how people are meant to function. So neediness is good but only when it doesn't incapacitate you. And it doesn't because you could still function in society without him. Whether you would like to function without him is quite something different.

A great account of a great experience. Fiona, I can feel your happiness flowing from my computer screen.

I have great commenters, I learn a lot from them.
Bodies should do as they are told. Not start doing things on their own.
We love it too.
Hugs,
Bas

Thank you Bas
For Your
Words 

of 

Basdom

Hugs,
fiona

P.S.
    Lisa, there really is NO understanding this blogging community.  It's insane that people who you've never met, know THESE things about you.  It's even more insane that they care about you.  We all care about you and Bas and appreciate your presence in our lives.


Would you like to join Spankful for Bas Day? Grab a logo and put up a post of your own! Then email or comment on Ana's blog to make sure she has the link for the main page.