SAD

The sky on November 5, 2011, the day she died.

Warning:  NOTHING Sexy or Hot 

written here.  Just life – real life…

I am sad.  Profoundly sad.  Last year was noteworthy on the tragic side for me.  I lost.  I lost friends, I lost family, I lost familiarity, I lost.  You know how they have those tests for stress and they include; death, divorce, change in job, change in location... - well, I didn't get divorced.  

I have had a good year since then, overall.  I have grieved and grown.  But today.  Today is hard.  Today is sad.   One year ago today, I lost the person I was closest to in this world, next to my husband.  I lost the most precious person who knew me since I was born.  I knew this day would be hard and, indeed, many tears have been shed and the hole in my heart and soul is still large. 

The sky the evening I put her in the ground.

I had asked my love, my husband, my Sir to be here on this day, as I knew it would be hard.  I asked many moons ago…and this is not something I really ever do.  He planned on being here and at the last minute – well a couple of weeks ago, he had to set up a business trip on this day (yesterday and tomorrow too).  I was despondent when he told me – feeling sad and betrayed and alone.  Now, I do realize, in the cold light of day, that it may be a little way too dramatic  to go there…but at the moment it was real.  

I asked him on Saturday to please spank me - really spank me, and make sure I was in as good of a place as I could be in before he left.  He promise to do just that.  Guess what…life happened.  I went up to our room and he did too.  We packed and he fell asleep.  I was … you guessed it … sad and frusterated and angry.  I cried, silent tears, not that it would have mattered, he was asleep.  I moved over to the side of the bed furthest away from him.  I tried to sleep, but couldn’t .  After a bit of time too long, I decided I wasn’t punishing him by sleeping far away and distancing myself.  I snuggled up and put myself in the position that is our ritual rule.  I slid off into dream land.  

*slap*

I awoke to a swift smack of his hand on my ass, then rubbing -  Ohh Ohhh.  He spanked me awake and then kissed me.  It was the middle of the night, just prior to him having to leave.  He got out the flogger and flogged.  He told me the last few would be hard – he had to make them count as he said.  They were HARD – they counted.  He kissed me and gave me directions…things to do.  I was to stay plugged for specific periods of time, to do specific things around the house...he was trying to help me stay focused and not fall apart.  He has been calling and being attentive.  I am grateful for his help.  I am grateful for his love.  I am grateful for what I have…

... but I am still at a loss.  I am still sad.  I am still broken hearted.  Today is hard and I am sad.