Letting Go, Being His

So, this morning, after Sir's alarm went off,
we snuggled close in bed.

I put my mouth up to his ear and
in the safety of his arms
and the dark of early morning,
I confessed,
"You know I'm a use it of loose it kinda girl.
I haven't used it in so long, it's lost.
But not normal lost.
It's lost, like I'm worried it can't be found.
I just simply don't feel ... anything.
I feel like I could go to a convent,
and not bring a vibrator,
and NOT miss it.
I'm worried."

"Remember, I said, you've been there before.
I'll pull you back.
It just takes time.
You needed time to focus on grieving.
You needed time to just be.
I'll bring you back.
It will be ok."

He said all the right words,
but I was still scared that he wasn't right.

What if.....
.....he got sick of trying
.....I got to discouraged to try any more
.....he got sick of waiting on me
.....I gave up before we broke through
.....he got so pent up he couldn't take it any more
.....my libido was well and truly broken
.....he lost his desire for D/s
.....I lost my desire for D/s
.....he lost his desire for me
.....I couldn't find my way back

Dayam, can I over-think things or what?

It was time for him to get up and typically I rest for another 20 minutes
before it's time to get the kids going.

I sat beside the bed as he got up,
feeling sad.

He stood and hugged me.
But then, his hand moved and positioned my head
He pulled it up and over
so that my mouth
plunged onto his cock.

He was hard and smooth and warm.
I sucked on him and he pumped into my mouth.

I liked him using my mouth.
I didn't get wet, like I used to.
But I liked it!

I sucked and he pumped and it was lovely.
Then he pulled away and pulled me up.
He put his mouth next to my ear and said,
"Get a towel and come into the bathroom.
I need to pee and I'm peeing on your chest today.
I want you naked kneeling in the shower.

I got a towel and came into the shower and locked the door.
He came up and hugged me.
He took my shirt and removed it.
I was naked.
He rubbed my back.
He reached around and cupped my breasts and pinched my nipples.

He continued pinching and twisting and pulling
and again put his mouth next to my ear.


"You are mine.  You are my property.  You belong to me.

I love you and you will find your way back.

But I'm going to use you, use what's mine.
I'm going to begin to spank you and crop you and flog you.
You may not feel anything sexually, but I want to do it.
I'm not doing it for your enjoyment, I'm doing it because I want to.
Do you understand, little girl?"

Oh wow.
That's just the stuff you read in erotic novels or amazing OTHER PEOPLE's blogs.
That's not my Sir, that's not us, that's not real!
But it was.  He said everything...he made my stomach flutter.
Not butterflies migrating, but a quick flutter.
I haven't felt that in weeks.

He kissed me and told me to get in the shower.
I turned and stopped thinking and got in the shower.

It felt warm and comforting and anticipation was actually budding.
Sir stepped into the shower and he pulled me to him.
I loved hugging him.  I love feeling him.
He put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed.

I went down on my knees.
He took my hand and held it to his cock.
I held it and he began to pee.
He peed on my chest and I appreciated his marking, his claiming.

When he was done, I put my lips to his hard cock.
I sucked.
I sucked because I knew he would enjoy it.
I sucked because I liked the feel of his cock in my mouth.
I sucked because I knew he was probably getting ... oh (what's worse than blue balls?)
I sucked because I needed this.

He reached down and grabbed my head and thrust it deep onto his cock,
just as his first pulses of cum jetted out.
I coughed and opened my mouth, but he didn't allow me to come off of it.
I quickly regained my composure and went back to sucking.
He came, long and hard in my mouth.
I didn't swallow, it seemed like forever since I'd had his cum in my mouth.

When he had finished, he gently told me to get up.
Instead, I simply, pulled myself closer to him and suckled.
That's the best explanation for it.
I was content, right there, on my knees, suckling on his cock.

I need to try to let go.
I need to stop resisting.
I need to stop over-thinking.
I need to let him help me.
I need to give in to my need for him.