Monday, January 18, 2016

Submission or Not

We are struggling to get back into our...

I'm feeling like such an impostor these days.

When allowed, I so enjoy being submissive.
I don't choose it on my own, though.
Does that make any sense?
I push, I don't follow any rules or rituals,
I am sassy and rude (not always or even a lot, but still),
I'm simply not choosing to be submissive.

When we have sex...typically He's Dominant and I'm submissive.

However, He's also not requiring it daily from me.

We just start getting into our normal...
or what used to be our normal D/s or M/s routines,
and then we get busy or stressed or sad or have kids stuff and ...
we're right back to vanilla.

Forever, not just recently,
He talks to me during sex and says
what He's going to do...either during our session,
or right after or later that day or days or weeks and
it's so sexy and so Dominant and such a turn on.
But, then He cums - and
He's either asleep or totally back to vanilla...
though I'm sure that's not really fair...
it's just sometimes how I feel.


I don't forget, and I don't revert to vanilla.
It makes it feel too much like a game
It makes me feel let down or disappointed
It makes me feel like an impostor
and so I withdraw further
and am feeling so much less sexual.

I miss it.  I miss the settling of submission
I miss the control, I miss the respect, I miss it all.

I don't know how to fix it...other than time.
I worry that it won't be the same,
that we won't get back,
that it'll just be fun...
but not real...
or just not.


  1. It's so hard when life gets in the way. I think all couples go through stages where they practice TTWD/DD or M/s D/s which ever you follow. then something happens and you revert back to vanilla. Hang in there, things will improve, so don't give up. It must be extra hard having children around. Stay positive and strong.
    Hugs LIndy

    1. Thanks lindy! I know stages happen, and it's something I've reminded others of...but when you're on the wrong side of the stage, it totally sucks, you know? I do appreciate your support and encouragement!


  2. I can so relate to what you describe about your Dom's behavior...talking a good game, but then failing to live up to it once he comes. That happens to me as well. We guys...well, they don't call orgasm "la petite mort" for nothing. It's wonderful, but it drains us, both of desire and of energy. This is a deadly combination when applied to Domination, because it deprives the Dom of both ability (no more energy) and motivation (diminished desire).

    For Joy and I, this scenario has happened frequently enough that I've learned to not talk about future actions during a BDSM adventure. It's far too likely that I'll promise more than I can deliver.'s fun to talk, and it ramps Joy up, so sometimes I still forget...

    In a perfect world, we Dom's would have an extra set of batteries we could plug in right after sex, so that we could indulge in post-bedroom activities in the same, wicked spirit with which we promised them. Sadly, however, I've searched both the store shelves and online, and the Eveready company doesn't seem to have come out with a suitable power source as yet.

    Hope things smooth out for you guys soon!

    1. Thank you Jake. Hearing the other side...from someone other than Sir...more helpful than you know. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone makes a big difference. I need to work on my understanding...I know He's going to work on things too.


  3. I resonate with this. Part of it is losing ourselves and trying to get us back. A large part of it though, I do believe falls on my Sir. Talking a good game, or things being over after he orgasms... too true.

    I've suggested to him that perhaps planning scenes where there will be no sex will help - to not get derailed so to speak.

    You've probably done this already, but talk to him if you haven't. Make your frustrations known in the nicest way possible. I've told my Sir how I feel and how he needs to be more present, active and demanding to make this work. I need work too. I'm defiant and rude and resist way too much. But those are the times I need him the most to step up - not to back away!

    1. I showed him the post prior to posting it. We...discussed - nope - fought like cats and dogs. It sadly didn't go well that night - as we were both exhausted and a bit raw. But in the light of day, it got sorted...well better sorted at least.


  4. We have ides in our head, in our dreams of how things should go...or go back to...and life has other ideas. It happens to all of us. I have been reading here long enough to say, you will get 'it' back...No, 'it' may not be the same..probably will not be...but there is every possibility that it will be suited to the two of you...who and where you both are now.
    hugs abby

  5. Fiona, you are so very NOT alone with this! Post orgasm coma is very real in our home as well. It goes in waves of understanding/frustration/acceptance for us. We have discussed it a lot and although I would like to say all talks were productive and terrific, some have just plain sucked. Longer reply hopefully to come when I have a bit more time. Hugs to you my friend!!

  6. yeah, I know what you are saying too, and don't like to write about it either. I don't know, its hard. We are happy where we are, and like you, our sex is great with him being dominant, me submissive, but then sex is over, and it goes back. I have come to try and relax about it more. It is present in our every day life, just not like I had imagined it when we first started. Which is just real life I guess.

    Hugs, Julia


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