Switching Around TTWD

So, Sir and I had spent
Many, Many years
decades even,
being switches.

Then four years being D/s, M/s, D/lg
where Sir was the D,M,D
    - and of course I was the s,s,lg :)

...and over the past month or two,
we have had moments of our previous selves.

We have switched a time or ten.

It's tricky for us.
Sir can switch very quickly and easily.

I have a bit harder time, mentally.

and if...
no, when I cum...I mentally switch myself
I put myself into a submissive role.

Sir feels some guilt for it, I believe.
and
I feel guilt for not fulfilling his switching sides.

It's quite a quandry.

We talk, we communicate our feelings and needs.
We're working it out.

That's why it's called The Thing WE Do...

Punishment and Discipline and Us

I had never thought about
the difference between
discipline and punishment.

I kind of lump them together
in my mind
so deconstructing them
in my mind
has taken some time.

My current thinking is as follows:

To me punishment
is a consequence
for a bad behavior or choices.
It typically has no pleasure component
and is much more severe or harsh.
It's meant to teach a specific lesson.

Discipline however has been
what it's taken me
more time to understand.

For me, I see Discipline as less harsh,
and as a way to reinforce our M/s or D/s roles.
It could include or end with
some pleasure or fun or continued playtime.

I have also heard others refer to this as
Maintenance.

Because of all of the drama
over the past four months of my life,
we have been really slacking in our rituals
our roles have taken a back seat to...life.

There has been little required of me and
I have lost a lot of my submissive headspace.
It's left me feeling more adrift - less content.
While some of that is my grieving process,
some of it is the lack of M/s-D/s.

Master is now determined to get us back
on the straight and narrow.

I will propose to him that
more regular discipline or maintenance
be part of our lives for the short-term.
That we work hard on recapturing our
rituals and our spanking
I want to recapture my submission.
desperately.

This could be good or it could be bad.
There has been so little spanking
in the past few months
that my skin is so much more sensitive
and I am much less disciplined about
my behavior during spankings

It will take time to recapture
my proper behavior.

I miss the contentment
that has come with knowing my place
and my expected behavior.

I hope we can get back
to where we were
or
find a new and improved place to be.

Time will tell.

Release

I had a really bad day.

Master knew and was trying.
We had lunch together.
We talked and he worked on helping me through.

But by bed time...
I was done.

I was bratting something fierce...
ok - that's not exactly fair,
but Master would certainly say I was being
cheeky

He abruptly and forcefully placed me over the bed.
He spanked me several times

Oh hell...he spanked the tar out of one specific spot
with his hand...hard.

I could tell, I was in desperate need of a release.
I had bottled up so many feelings
and needed a release.

needed catharsis.

He asked if I was done,
I shook my head no.

He told me he was getting the brush.

Now, I'm not sure if anyone really LIKES the brush...
I certainly do NOT!

But, I knew I needed him to continue with my spanking.
I needed more.

I kept myself still and waited over the bed.

He continued with the brush,
over and over in the same spot as he had spanked with his hand.

It hurt.
It stung.
It was difficult, but it was just what I needed.

He spanked and I worked myself up...
and over...
and cried.

I cried

and cried.

and when I finally answered that, "Yes, Master, I have had enough"
He spanked me three more times,
holding me securely on the bed
and then he snuggled up next to me,
and pulled me to him
and snuggled me.

I was a sobbing mess...but
really

I was released from my emotional mess
that I had worked myself into.

I was...better.

After I calmed,
He lay me up in the bed,
and he made me cum...
oh dear God, he made me cum.
Over and over, til I was mindless...
and he put me to sleep...
released and renewed.

One Month

One month ago today...

I was functional...
deep in the throws of DsMs
because we have really progressed past
Dominance and Submission to a more
Master/Slave relationship.

We were into ritual and rules
I was doing a great job following my rules (so says I)
He was enjoying being my Master (once again...so thinks me :)

One month ago TOMORROW

I had major surgery
I no longer have a body part that I did
I became BIONIC :)

hehehehe

sadly, there went Ms
There went rules
There went ritual
There went anything but ...
moment to moment functioning
getting through the pain
getting through the drugs
getting through the day

so...here I am...one month

I am better.
I am still broken
I am still recovering and will be for a LONG time to come.

I am really focused on physical therapy
I have one more month of pushing HARD.

We are having sex.
We are playing a little.
I have been spanked twice and swatted several more times.
We are starting to have more ritual and rules
and he is pulling me back into my place...
because I'm sooooo not there...
BUT I WANT TO BE!

We are one month in....
and many more to go!

Beginning

SEX!!!!!

I haven't had sex for 

FOREVER!!!

well, 2.5 weeks (same thing really)

Until....

Last night. 

I have become unbearable cheeky

Maybe a bit disrespectful

And too unsubmissive. 

Master has been slowly reintroducing 

M/s into my day to day life

He's pretty done with my behavior

He's been doing a fabulous job

With taking care of his very broken wife. 

He's kindly reminded me that our dynamic

Is still what he wants and will be expecting. 

I'm still recovering from my surgery. 

Physical therapy comes to my home for another week and then I'll be going to PT. 

I still have a very loooong way to go (months and months)

But last night,

Master played with my body and

Kissed

oh God did he kiss

And I was kindly given several orgasms

And was...so turned on. 

I pushed Master to His back

(I assume He thought I would suck on him)

He was shocked when I swung on top of him. 

He was shocked and terrified - 

He's so worried about hurting me. 

I rode him and he held me...

Controlled me. 

I came with him and it was...

Maybe the most wonderful sex that I can remember

It felt so intimate

So connecting

So loving

So controlled. 

So perfect. 

After I cleaned up,

I cought my breath, snuggled up in the crook of his arm. 

Bliss!!

A Bold Choice (Part 2 of Bringing It)

Sir and I had a conversation over the phone...

He explained that I was raised to be an alpha dog...
that I was trained to be like that.

He is so right...I was raised to be
one strong woman.
But not just strong...because I'm still strong...
but I was raised to be right...to be completely self sufficient
to be capable of everything.

And for the most part, I am.

But I'm Not.

I am capable...I am very self sufficient...I am strong...
I am hugely capable.
But I am NOT an alpha dog.

Well...I and I'm not.

I have been for a long long time...
but I am  me...I am most comfortable being submissive.

I am a natural submissive who was raised to be large and in charge.

It's taken me so long to figure that out.
But figure it out I have.... with Master's help.

"You found solace in submission because it is who you are." Master said.
"We are going to the next level."

He explained that a big part of where He is now and
where I am now has to do with when I gave him that piece of paper, as he says.
When I gave him my slave registration papers...
formally and completely giving myself to Him.

I told Him,
"I want to go to a place when I am allowed and expected to be who I am."

He explained that by giving Him that piece of paper,
we went from thinking...Oh on Saturday I like fettish play or I want a spanking.
That it was a bold choice and that I completely give myself up.

He told me that He had asked repeatedly if this is what I've wanted and
every time I've said yes...I want this...I want to be His...I want to be His slave!

He said, "I'm not asking any more.
You're mine.  
I own every bit of you.
It's no longer about you .  
It's about me."

He told me that He has some unhealthy habits to break and that
I REALLY have some unhealthy habits to break
and He's responsible to break those habits.

"I will break you of these habits.  
I will break these habits gently 
because I am a gentile man and 
sometimes I will break them brutally 
because that is the right thing."

"fiona, you are mine.  
I value my stuff.  
I don't want to break my stuff.  
I want you to take care of my stuff.  
I do want to push you but I don't want to break you.  
I expect you to tell me if I'm breaking you.
But I make no mistake...I will be deciding.  Always.
We're going to make this habitual.
This is a bold choice, fiona."

Bringing It (Part 1)

I have been gone for a week now.
Away from my Sir,
Away from my Master.

I have been missing my kids...

I have been dealing with tough stuff
stressed...hugely stressed
Getting very little sleep.

And...

Sir has brought it.

He has taken a huge leap in our relationship.

He's been communicating with me
constantly.

He's keeping me sane.
Keeping me focused.
Guiding me from afar.

We have long conversations...
and they are

wonderful,
scary,
exciting,
challenging
scary
challenging
exciting
wonderful
:)

He reminds me...

I Am His.

I belong to Him.

This isn't about me anymore.

I Am His.

Sex Toy Store

Master took me to a local
Adult Novelty store...
(read sex toy store)

Sir wanted to find a bigger dildo.

At one point the sales lady asked if we needed anything.

I said we were just looking, thank you.

She offered to help - answer questions or explain anything.

So...it's probably important to note that Sir and I look...
straight laced.
I had on a sleeveless polo shirt and cropped jeans with healed flip flops.
Sir had on a polo shirt and khaki shorts.
Very conservative looking.

If only they knew ;)

So two funny things happened...

FIRST:

We looked around for a while
and then got to the dildos...

Our giant purple dildo is enormous.
and we want BIGGER?
WTF

but here we go.

What we discover is...
unless we want a two foot long dildo (literally)
there ISN'T a bigger one
at this store.
They have a HUGE selection...
an entire room,
and none are bigger.

YOWSA!!!!  That's insane!

I looked up at Master and said,
"Well, I guess this just shows how big the one we have is!"

I thought that would impress him,
but instead he looked at me and said,
"I'll just find it online."



SECOND

While we were looking,
Sir found a bondage kit for over the door.

We were looking at a display and the
sales lady came over and grabbed a box.
She handed it to Sir and said,
"This is a great starter kit. It has what's in your box there,
but a lot of other great things in it."

I kind of giggled and
Sir looked at it.  He then showed me the box.

It had handcuffs, a crop, blindfold and a gag
that I could see.  It may have had more.

Sir looked at her,
put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed and said,
"We've actually got everything else in the kit..
we're not exactly starter kit type people."

I smiled and then looked down,
trying hard not to blush too much
and laugh too loudly.

Ya...it's funny after walking around and looking,
to realize how much we are NOT exactly starter kit type of people!

Harder (Part 2)

After coming down from those
two mind shattering cums,

Sir got up,
and with my nipples no longer clamped,
he rolled me over and stood next to me.

He pulled my ass up and said,
He wanted to spank my ass...
but it wasn't going to be gentile.

This time,
He spanked with His hand.

He concentrated on one area,
spanked so fucking hard
until I was just about in tears,

When I was flattening myself on the bed.
Then,
Just before I couldn't take it any more,
He would shift to another spot.

He didn't stop, but he did change...
and I tried - as quickly as I could
to go back on my knees,
with my chest on the bed,
presenting my ass,
for him to spank.

This continued for a long time.

Then He stopped and said,
"I'm going to get the crop,
because I want to spank you harder...
and YOU NEED IT!"

He didn't ask, he proclaimed...
and it scared the shit out of me,
because it was hurting.

But oddly, at the same time,
I really wanted it.

I wondered if he's spank me into subspace.

But so frequently, he doesn't allow me to simply float,
he keeps me tethered to the here and now,
reacting to everything He's doing.

I lay there,
with my knees up,
My ass in the air,
my chest -
sore nipples,
rubbing against the bed
my mouth biting the pillow
and my hands holding onto the bedframe.

He began again...
this time with the crop.

He only spanked a few times,
then told me to get the purple dildo and
hurry back.

I was shocked by this change of pace.

I got up, and quickly went to our toy box.

"I'm not a patient man, fiona.  
You have five seconds or there 
will 
be 
consequences."

I ran!  I frantically pulled the dildo
and the bag of condoms to cover it,
and RAN back!

I made it and lay on the bed almost beside myself.

I neither wanted consequences,
nor
to disappoint.

I put the condom on the dildo and presented it to Master.

He took it and told me to "assume the position."

I know this to mean,
butterfly legs...feet together,
arms above my head and hold onto the bed.

He unceremoniously shoved the purple dildo in.

He was a little sore,
but after cumming so hard
and being so wet,
it did surprisingly, slide in quite easily.

He fucked me with the purple dildo,
then reached over with his other hand,
grabbed the magic wand,
and put it in my hand.

I had wondered,
if I could cum with the magic wand and the gigantic purple dildo.
Frequently, I can't cum with a vibe,
if I have a dildo inside...especially an enormous one.

"Use it, fiona.  Make yourself cum again.
Show me." he commanded.

I opened up my lips and put it directly on my clit...

It took a few minutes, but then I came SCREAMING!

He fucked me...hard...
and I came!

when I turned off the magic wand,
and lay there limp and panting,

He rolled me over and stood up.
He pulled my hips up and pushed my
had into the pillow.
He shoved the dildo to the base...
so it was lodged deep in my pussy.

He grabbed the crop and began to
crop my ass -
H
A
R
D!!!

This time,
instead of shrinking away from the blows,
I was lifting up into them.
I was non-verbally asking for more.

I wanted it.  I needed it.

He then told me to open my legs.

He took the crop and aimed so that the
arm of the crop was across my ass,
but the end of the crop was hitting the dildo.

OHHHHHHHHMYYYYYYYGAWWWWWDDDDDDDDDDD

He his hard and with the pain was also pleasure.

I was screaming and moaning and
cumming again!

FROM BEING CROPPED!!!

Oh, I was such a puddle of well used girl!

He fucked me hard 
and spanked me harder!

Hard (Part 1)

I don't even think I can remember all of our playtime yesterday...

and sadly, I didn't jot down tidbits to help me remember.

What I can say, is that it started out with Master saying,
"I can... 
A. Play with you and use you well 
or
B.  Play with you HARD.

Which do you think you need?"

I immediately whispered back,
"b"

To which he replied,
"You need it, fiona.  You know it and I know it.
This isn't going to be like our typical sessions,
this is going to be really hard and 
it will push you.  
You're 
Going 
To
Take
It,
Because you need it."

"yes, Sir, I do need it hard"
I replied, knowing he likes it when I am explicit.

"I know."


"Tell me, fiona.  do we need a safeword?"

I immediately replied,
"no, Master.  I trust you."

and I do.   We've never really used a safeword,
and He DOES KNOW MY BODY...
frequently better than I do.

I know this goes against so many
BDSM recommendations,
but you have to remember,
we've been together for almost a quarter century - EEK!

So then the spanking commenced, without any further ado.

He bent me over, in the kitchen,
where we were talking,
got the big metal spatula
and spanked me.

HARD.

Very little about yesterday was easy.

He spanked me HARD from the git-go.

When I was starting to bow my back,
because it was becoming intolerable,
He shifted so he stood beside me,
wrapped his arm around my waist
putting his hand on my belly,

He pushed my back down
so it was no longer arching up,
then reached his hand down further,
so it cupped my pussy,
and he pushed out my pussy,
to arch my back down-
pushing my ass out
and he continued to spank.

When he was done,
I was resigned to taking it.
and I was grateful.

"please, Master, could I have three more good ones?"
I asked Him.

He was so so thrilled!
He spanked me so hard!

Then we moved to the bedroom
where he clamped my nipples with the
hook clamps
and tied a shoe lace between the hooks
and put the shoe lace in my mouth.

He then twisted me around so
I was facing our full length mirror.

He giggled my tits,
twisted my hair in  his hands
and moved my head up and down,
so that my nipples were pulled up and down,

and told me how beautiful i was and
how much he loved my body.

Oh, can I just tell you how much I adore this man?!

He then took me - naked and clamped, with a red bum,
to the living room and sat me on the floor
at His feet and took the shoelace out of my mouth,
after twisting my head back to look at him,
pulling quite severely on my nipples.
He then gave me a scone and coffee
and told me to eat?!?!

Oh, holyhell, I was so not thinking about food.

He watched the morning news
and kept reminding me to eat.

After I asked if I could save the rest for later,
he told me to get up and
He took me into the bedroom.

He laid me on the bed,
and said that he really wanted to spank me some more.

He first, laid next to me,
plugged in the magic wand
turned it on, and put it on my pussy.

He told me to take it,
and make myself cum.

He watched me - so intently,
as I moaned and arched through my first cum of the day.

Then after I turned it off,
He turned it back on and said,
"Tell me when your close."

He watched me...
and as I got close,
He took on the clamps and
sucked on my nipples.

As pain shot through my nipples,
I was cumming....
screaming!

Oh it was truly exquisite.

Neck

Master has taken to pulling me to him
and holding me by the neck
when he kisses me...

Or simply putting his hand on my neck
and squeezing

during sex,
when I'm being a pain in the ass
when I'm struggling

for lots of reasons.

It's something he never really did before,
but in the past six months,
he's made a regular habit of it.

and I love it.

I feel like the beta animal
when the alpha is exerting His Dominance

It can be used for breath control
or simply as a momentary touch or grip.

It is calming to me,
It is centering to me,
It is exhilarating to me
(yes, I often wonder how it can be calming AND exhilarating...but there you have it)
During sex it heightens my experience
It reinforces my feelings of submission.
It can be erotic as hell.

It is a wonderful gesture that is very meaningful to me.

Double Standard

As I was getting ready for bed,

Sir said something and

I said..."you would never allow me to say such a thing!"

Now unfortunately, I followed that up with being a tiny bit cheeky. 

He quickly put me on the floor

And said, in that Master's voice,

With that Master's glare,

"What lead you to believe that 

There isn't a double standard here?"

Well that cleared it up nicely!

One Good One

SNAP

He stands next to me
and snaps the folded over belt together.

"Bend over my bed.
I know you want this,
your breathing is faster
and right now your pussy is getting so wet."

I take stock...
I can tell that,
my eyes have dilated
my breathing has quickened
I want this.

SNAP

"Don't make me ask this again,
or I will hit your legs instead of your ass."

Oh, I have that internal war...
I want this so much...
BUT
I am being stupidly rebellious.

I slowly stand up and turn around and look at Him

"Since we have company, 
I can only do one...
so I've got to really make it count."

I bend over the bed and
take one breath and

TWACK

OHHOLYSHIT!

FUCKCRAPDAMN!

Ohhellthathurt

Oohhoooohhhhhthatwasoh

my back arches and my pussy is now drenched

Why Only ONE???  Why company??

PLEASE MORE!

Easter Kitchen Spanking

I was standing in the kitchen
cooking for Easter dinner.

Sir rubs my back and then
reaches down and

Swat,

Swat,

Swat.


He spanked my ass
while I was hugging him.

It was just his hand,
I wasn't bent over,
it wasn't extremely hard,
but it wasn't patting either.

Could have looked innocuous

Could have not.

Master whispers in my ear,
"Your mom just saw me spank you."

...

and my mind races.

Fucking Laughter

So Sir and I were in bed last night.

He put me in position -

which means me with my legs butterflied open
and my hands above my head holding onto the bed

and he made me cum like a wild child.

He has a way of making me the
MOST wanton, insatiable, horny slut!

I was given permission and I all but
attacked his cock

I sucked voraciously.

Sir pulled me up and set me on his Cock.

"You do love to have cock in your mouth, don't you fiona?"

"Yes, Sir!" I said as I rode him hard.

He reaches up and fondles my tits

"Tell me whose cock you want to suck."

"Yours, Sir"

"Who else, fiona?"

"Anyone, that you tell me to Sir."

He's pinching more and I'm fucking faster.

"Tell me, fiona...what would you do if I told you to suck off other men?"

"I'd suck them and beg them to fuck my face.  When they got close, I'd take their cum..."

He's close...beginning to cum.
He loves the idea of me sucking off someone else.
(me too)

His pinching of my nipples intensifies.

"Sir, I'd swallow, or"

He starts to cum and he's pinching my nipples wicked hard

"hold it in my mouth until you gave me directions"

He pinches painfully hard and I squeak out

"or have them cum on ...

the

nipples

you 

just

tore 

off!!!"

the last word was squeaked out as the pain got so intense!

He releases my nipples as bursts into laughter...
as do I.

So we lay there...still connected intimately...laughing hysterically!

It was fulfilling in so many ways!

The Cane and the Teddy Bear

After dinner I went into our room
and began to fold clean clothes
(oh yes...so mundane)

Sir came up behind me and
put his arms around.
He fondled my breasts,
took off my bra,
and pinched and pulled my nipples
until I was starting to moan.

He whispered in my ear
that he was very happy with what I had made for dinner
and that I had not been too inappropriate
when he was late for dinner
and that I was doing such a better job of listening
and obeying.

He told me that as a reward,
he would cane me,
so I was to drop my pants and lay over the side of the bed.

I quickly did, and he retrieved the cane.

He tapped so nicely and I was really enjoying
until he TAPPED.
YOUCH!

then he immediately went back to light
taps
As I started to moan,
TAP
YOUCH!

Then as the pattern continues and I'm starting to
really let go,
he tells me to start asking for it.

So when the pain morphs into warm, yummy feelings
I have to ask.
If I don't ask quickly enough the TAP is excruciating...
ok - not excruciating but really severe.

---------

Later, I was talking to Sir and said,
"Sometimes, would you just let me float away,
and not pull my back?"

He asked what I meant and I explained
that as he makes me ask for things
or communicate, that he pulls me back
from floating away on my endorphins high into
lovely floaty sub-space.

and he laughs...
NOT an evil laugh...
a total teddy bear laugh,
grins at me,
and says,
"Well, I guess, that's just part of the sadist in me."

So freaking incongruous...
talking about the sadist in him
all the while smiling like a
cuddly, darling, teddy bear.

Oh, do I ever love my Master!

Yanking My Chain

So, Today, Sir had me wear my shirt with a cupless bra

And when I showed him, he put on clamps with their chain...

Then pulled down my shirt and admired my nipples
and the fact that you couldn't really see the clamps or chain.

Throughout the afternoon, he discreetly reached under my shirt
and would yank my chain :)

DelFonte's Question

Thanks for the questions.

I really appreciate them, really!

It's interesting to explore questions that people ask...think about something I haven't thought about before...things that I often just hadn't thought about or explored - both vanilla and kinky.  So...really - Thank YOU!

Please feel free to ask more or follow-up.  I'm also happy to ask my Sir, as I know you rarely actually hear from him...as he doesn't read or write anywhere in blogland.  But I can ask and relay information.

DelFonte asked and I'll answer:

1. What are you looking forward to most about being a slave and how do you think the shift to M/s will compare to how your dynamic currently works?

I actually think it is our normal D/s but just...more.  I am working on being much more obedient and he has certainly been more...dominant on the whole.  I don't know if anything will change other than we have solidified our places much more than before.  I could be wrong, but that's my current thought.

2. What music have you been listening to lately?

A LOT!  I listen and sing all the time with the kids and without.  So...I pulled up my iPod play list and my most frequently placed recent files are...
      Take Me to Church by Hozier
      Centuries by Fall Out Boy
      Animals by Maroon V
      Lips are Movin by Meghan Trainor
      Style by Taylor Swift
      Fancy by Iggy Azalea
      Habits by Tove Lo