Trust, Submission, Communication, Fears

Ya, I know…lame title.
This post goes on and on…sorry for the rambling.



Trust. 

I've truly trusted Sir for so many years
that I can't remember when I didn't trust him. 

But there's always levels of trust isn't there? 

I trust him implicitly…but here's the thing…something changed today.

So this morning as we were laying in bed - talking 
in our snugly, warm, intertwined space.

Sir saying "maybe you should," do XYZ. 

I said, "yes sir." and I quietly added 
"you know you don't have to ask 
you can just tell." 

But then I felt this inkling 
of one topping from the bottom 
and that didn't settle well with me.

So then I continued on 
"I hope you don't mind me saying that. 
It's just that sometimes 
I think you forget 
that it's submitting 
that really turns me on. 
It's you dominating 
that really turns me on. 
I want to submit. 
It feeds me 
and fills me.
It settles me 
it calms me 
it nourishes me 
it excites me."
   
He quickly replied,
"You know sometimes we 
remind each other of things.
I remind you of the submissive 
you want to be 
of the submissive you need to be. 
And sometimes you, my love, 
remind me of the dominant that I am."

(and right there…I melted)

We continued to talked about submission. 
We got around to yesterday, 
when he commanded me to masturbate and cum. He asked me about what I fantasize about. 

I told him my fantasy, but that's another post. 
but in short...
The fantasy included more than one person. 

I continued on to clarify that 
I don't fantasize about other people - in the bubble. 

"You know I love the thought of it, 
not because I just want to be with other people, 
but because I want you command me to do it.
I do fantasize about being used 
about being objectified, 
but I fantasize about it in conjunction with my submission. 
I want to submit to you. 
I want to do … whatever…ONLY if it pleases you! 
If it doesn't please you, it's not something I would fantasize about." 
(sometimes I feel like I don't explain things really well)

This is really an important clarification to me 
because we talk a lot in our relationship about 
fantasies involving other people -
never specific people -
just others 
and it's important to me that he understands 
that I don't fantasize about fucking other people randomly 

I fantasize about him commanding me 
to please someone else, him watching me 
I fantasize about him allowing others to use me,
Him making me. 

It's that control 
it's that submission 
it's that dominance that's at the core of my fantasies. 

Now I've known that for a little bit 
but verbalizing it was such a different act 
a more meaningful act 
(maybe it was scary.)

He latches on to the submission that I was talking about.
and he says…something that he regularly says…
"You know fiona,
you can't be too submissive."

I hear him, I hear his words 
but my brain doesn't really comprehend or trust that
because I've been large-and-in-charge for so long 
and I'm sassy and full of...let's just say…spirit 
(that would be a nice word)

right so I'm full of spirit 
and I know he loves that,
but this is where it got really intimate 
and really honest and really raw. 

"You know I say this all the time 
but it scares me.
It scares me that you're going to change 
and not want this anymore. 
It scares me that I'm going to give all of me 
at some point you'll be done dominating me."  

You know we were 
for all practical purposes, 
switches for over two decades. 
DECADES. 

I have this deep seeded fear 
that if I truly give all of me 
to my deep-seeded need to submit, 
that I'll be lost if he changes his mind. 

We are in the midst Of huge life changes right now. 
Ohholyhell, the stress of life changes! 
It was the super-storm-of-life-changes last time 
that brought about our cemented D/s roles that we're in now. 
So what if we come out the other side of this 
and we're changed again 

but instead of it being for the better 
it's for the worse? 

If I'm All in,
if I am giving myself completely 
submitting completely,
how can I recover from that? 

That's the scary for part of this place 
that's what worries me, 
that's what my nightmares are made of! 

okay, we'll maybe that's a little melodramatic,

but it does really scare me. 

But my Sir was up to the challenge 
He held me close and he said all the right things.

He said that he'll never be done.  
That this … him Dominating me,
will not end.
That Dominating me turns him on,
that me submitting,
me being a good girl,
a good submissive girl,
turns him on.
That He wants this.
That He's grown into this,
that He's embraced his inner Dom
and he wants more.
He explained what he sees for our future,
how he wants us both to grow.

I was inspired,
I was in awe
wonder
love…not just love...
desperate love!

We hug and kiss and touch
and then he 
controlled
and commanded
and Dominated!

Needy As Something Bad, hmmm

So I was driving down the road and typically, I listen to music.  But today, the radio happened to be on from the person who drove the car last - not me.  The program that was on had folks talking about people being needy and how terrible it is to be a needy person.  Needy for them was defined by:
   
     "Needing another person to fill their bucket"

So this distinguished emotional neediness from financial need or physical need.
     Physical:  I need to get transportation to work
     Financial: I need to make enough money so we have food.

Well first off, I really like that definition of need.

I start thinking, examining myself.  So I start with two questions;

1. Am I needy?
2. Is being needy in any emotional way truly a bad thing for me?

So I can understand...different strokes for different folks.  This is for me and for me alone.  Knowing me - knowing where I come from and what my current weakness are, this is where I stand on the issue.

1. Am I needy?   Yes and no.  I am not a high maintenance person (in the emotional way - not the spanking/sex way - those I am hehehe).  I am strong physically and emotionally.  I am self-reliant, self-aware, and capable.  Do I need my Sir?  HELL YES!!!  I need him like I need the air I breathe.  I  will not be incapable of paying bills or doing math (yes, nilla - I do like to do math), or write my name if he were all of a sudden not here.  I would, however, likely die of a broken heart.  So, yes - I am needy of HIM.
2. Is being needy in any emotional way truly a bad thing - FOR ME?  Ugh...once again, yes and no.  I would love to say no.  I would love to say that I'm totally fine with being needy - even just a little - in not an unhealthy way, I believe.  However, I also understand that makes me very vulnerable...but hell...aren't we all who love someone.  And the more intertwined our lives are, the more connected we are, the more we love each other, the more inter-dependent we are on one-another, the more at risk we are of being seriously fucked up if something were to happen - a betrayal, a death, a decision to not be together...  So while getting hurt, being a drift, being unable to function due to grief and being distraught is a very bad thing, it is a trade-off for the positive benefits of loving and adoring this person.  

OK, so I know these people were talking around co-dependence.  Did you know that there is a section in WebMD on co-dependence?  Indeed...defined as "Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself"  Well...after over 20 years of being together - building our lives together, spending all available time together and the added D/s dynamic...we are rather co-dependent.  Note, I said WE.  I think we are.  We choose our relationship more important.  Is that all bad?  According to many psychologists...often it is bad...according to many doctors - yes.  Hmmmm...Shit...I don't feel screwed up.   Sorry, that was sassy.  But really, it is an interesting conundrum to me.  

I haven't even gotten to my need for spankings, my need for Him to control me, my need for sex, my need to be used, my need for his love, my need for.........

Any thoughts on this neediness thing?