Friday, April 18, 2014

Trust, Submission, Communication, Fears

Ya, I know…lame title.
This post goes on and on…sorry for the rambling.



Trust. 

I've truly trusted Sir for so many years

that I can't remember when I didn't trust him. 

But there's always levels of trust isn't there? 

I trust him implicitly…but here's the thing…something changed today.

So this morning as we were laying in bed - talking 
in our snugly, warm, intertwined space.

Sir saying "maybe you should," do XYZ. 

I said, "yes sir." and I quietly added 
"you know you don't have to ask 
you can just tell.

But then I felt this inkling 
of one topping from the bottom 
and that didn't settle well with me.

So then I continued on 
"I hope you don't mind me saying that. 
It's just that sometimes 
I think you forget 
that it's submitting 
that really turns me on. 
It's you dominating 
that really turns me on. 
I want to submit. 
It feeds me 
and fills me.
It settles me 
it calms me 
it nourishes me 
it excites me."
   
He quickly replied,
"You know sometimes we 
remind each other of things.
I remind you of the submissive 
you want to be 
of the submissive you need to be. 
And sometimes you, my love, 
remind me of the dominant that I am."

(and right there…I melted)

We continued to talked about submission. 
We got around to yesterday, 
when he commanded me to masturbate and cum. He asked me about what I fantasize about

I told him my fantasy, but that's another post. 
but in short...
The fantasy included more than one person. 

I continued on to clarify that 
I don't fantasize about other people - in the bubble. 

"You know I love the thought of it, 
not because I just want to be with other people, 
but because I want you command me to do it.
I do fantasize about being used 
about being objectified, 
but I fantasize about it in conjunction with my submission. 
I want to submit to you. 
I want to do … whatever…ONLY if it pleases you! 
If it doesn't please you, it's not something I would fantasize about.
(sometimes I feel like I don't explain things really well)

This is really an important clarification to me 
because we talk a lot in our relationship about 
fantasies involving other people -
never specific people -
just others 
and it's important to me that he understands 
that I don't fantasize about fucking other people randomly 

I fantasize about him commanding me 
to please someone else, him watching me 
I fantasize about him allowing others to use me,
Him making me. 

It's that control 
it's that submission 
it's that dominance that's at the core of my fantasies. 

Now I've known that for a little bit 
but verbalizing it was such a different act 
a more meaningful act 
(maybe it was scary.)

He latches on to the submission that I was talking about.
and he says…something that he regularly says
"You know fiona,
you can't be too submissive."

I hear him, I hear his words 
but my brain doesn't really comprehend or trust that
because I've been large-and-in-charge for so long 
and I'm sassy and full of...let's just say…spirit 
(that would be a nice word)

right so I'm full of spirit 
and I know he loves that,
but this is where it got really intimate 
and really honest and really raw. 

"You know I say this all the time 
but it scares me.
It scares me that you're going to change 
and not want this anymore. 
It scares me that I'm going to give all of me 
at some point you'll be done dominating me."  

You know we were 
for all practical purposes, 
switches for over two decades. 
DECADES. 

I have this deep seeded fear 
that if I truly give all of me 
to my deep-seeded need to submit, 
that I'll be lost if he changes his mind. 

We are in the midst Of huge life changes right now. 
Ohholyhell, the stress of life changes! 
It was the super-storm-of-life-changes last time 
that brought about our cemented D/s roles that we're in now. 
So what if we come out the other side of this 
and we're changed again 

but instead of it being for the better 
it's for the worse? 

If I'm All in,
if I am giving myself completely 
submitting completely,
how can I recover from that? 

That's the scary for part of this place 
that's what worries me, 
that's what my nightmares are made of! 

okay, we'll maybe that's a little melodramatic,

but it does really scare me. 

But my Sir was up to the challenge 
He held me close and he said all the right things.

He said that he'll never be done.  
That this … him Dominating me,
will not end.
That Dominating me turns him on,
that me submitting,
me being a good girl,
a good submissive girl,
turns him on.
That He wants this.
That He's grown into this,
that He's embraced his inner Dom
and he wants more.
He explained what he sees for our future,
how he wants us both to grow.

I was inspired,
I was in awe
wonder
love…not just love...
desperate love!

We hug and kiss and touch
and then he 
controlled
and commanded
and Dominated!

25 comments:

  1. Its interesting reading this, especially when you speak about involving others, when we have (havent for a long while) what i enjoyed about it more than the acts themselves was that it was under his command, it was for his pleasure, he controlled what happened.....and i got off on that.

    x

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    Replies
    1. Exactly, tori…that's just it. It's that control….TOTAL TURN ON! I wonder if they have a hard time understanding that?

      Hugs,
      fiona

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  2. I keep telling my Master this same thing, about others, and I don't think he really gets it. He tells me "It is ok if you say you want to fuck other men, it doesn't bother me", but when I say the part that turns me on is him ordering me to fuck other men, he'll say "Well, I will order it, and you will do it". And then I'm happy and gooey for like three seconds and he goes back to "It is ok if you want it". So to make him happy I say "I do want it." And I don't say "only if you order me to do it". And we go round and round that way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now I realize I'm not getting what he's saying either. He's saying he needs to know that at some level it is consensual, that I'm not going to hate him for it.

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    2. so maybe you need to say 'I like it because you are ordering me and I get off on submitting to you, and that would make it consensual' or something like that?

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    3. Oh, well ancilla…that was kind of an Ah-Ha moment for me…I never thought of it from his side. I'm sure He would want to be clear that it was consensual…that I would have some enjoyment…Thanks for that though. Really! But I'm with you…it's doing it because he tells me to…it's that control that just does it for me. But I can completely relate with going round and round!

      Hugs,
      fiona

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  3. oh this was LOVELY!

    I thought you explained all your points really well.

    and squeee, happy dancing on the conclusion!

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    Replies
    1. heheheheheh….thanks mc kitten. It was meaningful to me…really meaningful. And yes, the conclusion was…fabulous.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  4. What a great post. I struggled to explain the concept of "it's you ordering me to do it that turns me on" for a very long time. I would say it, he would say that he got it, but I would still feel that he didn't. I resorted to writing a work of fiction to explain the intricacies of how I felt. So glad for you that Sir Q gets you and takes care of you :-)

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    Replies
    1. We've been at it a while. He does take good care of me…but for some reason, this seems like one of those things that is really difficult to understand. Maybe it's just so counterintuitive. IDK. I think resorting to fiction is brilliant! I'm so not creative enough to ever do something like that.

      I'm so happy to know I'm not the only one who gets off on that control. That is comforting!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  5. I have a thing where mine often says "Why don't you (do X)?"

    And... the answer is, because I WANT him to TELL me to do it, not to ask me why I don't. He's got courtesy so ingrained in him that this is his version of an order, but it certainly doesn't feel like that when it's going.

    I'm so happy you two had that talk.

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad we did as well. I am glad that my Sir is a gentleman…but I would love for him to feel entitled to me…not everything and not rude…just entitled to me!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  6. It's nice to know that I am not the only one that has some of these fears of giving all of me and for something to happen. I like it much better to be told to do than to be asked. Being dominated is a turn on and a way of life that I want. And the fantasies, well I think that we share similar ones.
    Happy Easter Fiona & Sir

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    Replies
    1. Oh Blondie…you're seemingly among great company =)

      Happy Easter to you too!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  7. Fiona,

    I have had the experience of being used by others. Of course, it was non-sexual and involved spanking and caning. It is a very powerful scene when others become involved.

    I can understand your fear. Fortunately, your Sir is an amazing person who loves you deeply. You are very, very lucky.

    Hug,
    joey

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    Replies
    1. My sir is an amazing person…I am so very lucky. I am grateful beyond measure that we have each other.

      I would love to experience that type of scene…but we'll see.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  8. Fiona, you never ramble. You inspire and give food for thought.

    I've had the same fantasy for as long time.
    You are very lucky to have such wonderful man in your life

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    Replies
    1. Oh, you're being sweet…I soooooo do ramble! But thank you for your compliment. I am beyond lucky…am grateful for my Sir. I hope sometime that fantasy becomes reality…but we'll see.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  9. What a great talk the two of you had! I always love your posts, but this one really sticks out to me. I can relate to so much of what you said, and how you feel - that feeling of them being in total control is just SUCH a good feeling. I crave it!

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    1. Thanks Kenzie. I appreciate it! It was meaningful for me. Control is huge to me…such a craving…ya - you chose a perfect word!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  10. Fiona,
    It really is so difficult to give yourself over when there is no guarantee that you won't be broken if bad things happen. I have similar thoughts but mine also include the dark and far fetched "What if something happens to him?" In my whole heart I don't know how I could survive that.

    Great post Fiona, such a deep connection for you two with this conversation!
    XOXO

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    Replies
    1. I thought i was the only one with those dark thoughts ....

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    2. That's just it, Pearl…I typically…no I ALWAYS hold back because I won't put myself in the position to be too broken if…but in all honesty, that never really works. If something happens, I'll be broken and I'll have to deal. But I do have to give myself over to have the potential for greatness as well. It's such a circular thought process.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  11. This post really speaks to me because I've been away from the blogs for a bit, dealing with Real Life and the loss of submission in my life. I'm a fuckdoll on the shelf, for now. Waiting. I gave all - and now I'm left waiting. It's been a true test of my submission.

    I have the same fantasies about being controlled to service another, to use and be used. For another to be in the picture, sometimes. I think it's really common.

    *hug*

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you're here Mickey! It's hard…so darn hard to be put on a shelf…I am so sorry.

      ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
      fiona

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Thank you very much for sharing your comments. This blogland world has become so much more meaningful because of the conversations that y'all have with me through comments...REALLY!

I appreciate them all and will endeavor to answer EVERY comment if at all possible!

THANK YOU
-fiona