Ya, I know…lame title.
This post goes on and on…sorry for the rambling.
I've truly trusted Sir for so many years
that I can't remember when I didn't trust him.
But there's always levels of trust isn't there?
I trust him implicitly…but here's the thing…something changed today.
So this morning as we were laying in bed - talking
in our snugly, warm, intertwined space.
Sir saying "maybe you should," do XYZ.
I said, "yes sir." and I quietly added
"you know you don't have to ask
you can just tell."
But then I felt this inkling
of one topping from the bottom
and that didn't settle well with me.
So then I continued on
"I hope you don't mind me saying that.
It's just that sometimes
I think you forget
that it's submitting
that really turns me on.
It's you dominating
that really turns me on.
I want to submit.
It feeds me
and fills me.
It settles me
it calms me
it nourishes me
it excites me."
He quickly replied,
"You know sometimes we
remind each other of things.
I remind you of the submissive
you want to be
of the submissive you need to be.
And sometimes you, my love,
remind me of the dominant that I am."
(and right there…I melted)
We continued to talked about submission.
We got around to yesterday,
when he commanded me to masturbate and cum.
He asked me about what I fantasize about.
I told him my fantasy, but that's another post.
but in short...
The fantasy included more than one person.
I continued on to clarify that
I don't fantasize about other people - in the bubble.
"You know I love the thought of it,
not because I just want to be with other people,
but because I want you command me to do it.
I do fantasize about being used
about being objectified,
but I fantasize about it in conjunction with my submission.
I want to submit to you.
I want to do … whatever…ONLY if it pleases you!
If it doesn't please you, it's not something I would fantasize about."
(sometimes I feel like I don't explain things really well)
This is really an important clarification to me
because we talk a lot in our relationship about
fantasies involving other people -
never specific people -
and it's important to me that he understands
that I don't fantasize about fucking other people randomly
I fantasize about him commanding me
to please someone else, him watching me
I fantasize about him allowing others to use me,
Him making me.
It's that control
it's that submission
it's that dominance that's at the core of my fantasies.
Now I've known that for a little bit
but verbalizing it was such a different act
a more meaningful act
(maybe it was scary.)
He latches on to the submission that I was talking about.
and he says…something that he regularly says…
"You know fiona,
you can't be too submissive."
I hear him, I hear his words
but my brain doesn't really comprehend or trust that
because I've been large-and-in-charge for so long
and I'm sassy and full of...let's just say…spirit
(that would be a nice word)
right so I'm full of spirit
and I know he loves that,
but this is where it got really intimate
and really honest and really raw.
"You know I say this all the time
but it scares me.
It scares me that you're going to change
and not want this anymore.
It scares me that I'm going to give all of me
at some point you'll be done dominating me."
You know we were
for all practical purposes,
switches for over two decades.
I have this deep seeded fear
that if I truly give all of me
to my deep-seeded need to submit,
that I'll be lost if he changes his mind.
We are in the midst Of huge life changes right now.
Ohholyhell, the stress of life changes!
It was the super-storm-of-life-changes last time
that brought about our cemented D/s roles that we're in now.
So what if we come out the other side of this
and we're changed again
but instead of it being for the better
it's for the worse?
If I'm All in,
if I am giving myself completely
how can I recover from that?
That's the scary for part of this place
that's what worries me,
that's what my nightmares are made of!
okay, we'll maybe that's a little melodramatic,
but it does really scare me.
But my Sir was up to the challenge
He held me close and he said all the right things.
He said that he'll never be done.
That this … him Dominating me,
will not end.
That Dominating me turns him on,
that me submitting,
me being a good girl,
a good submissive girl,
turns him on.
That He wants this.
That He's grown into this,
that He's embraced his inner Dom
and he wants more.
He explained what he sees for our future,
how he wants us both to grow.
I was inspired,
I was in awe
love…not just love...
We hug and kiss and touch
and then he