Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Dom or Not

So, I was an absolute disaster today.

I was belligerent, frustrated, combative,
a general pain in the ass…

I fought with Sir, several times throughout the morning.
Late afternoon, I was driving to the drug store and 
talking to Sir on the phone. 

He said, "You know, you and I had something good going for a while,
but ……."

At that, I stopped listening and and and

simply fell apart.

I was crushed. 

I have been fighting him…fighting his Dominance and 
seriously fighting my submission.

But, BUT…I didn't want it to be over
and it sounded like he was done with that.

I know we are rock solid as a married couple and 
we'll find our way through anything but 
I was sure he was done with being my Dom.

When I came home, I cried and cried.
I was so upset!

We talked…we went for a long walk and 
talked.

I told him that I was at loose ends,
that I was fighting my submission
(to which I got a serious, no shit response from him)
but that when he said that, I was crushed.

He…oh God, the things he said melted my heart.

He told me that for years and years we switched…
that he found fulfillment in our switching,
but that he knew it wasn't natural, for lack of a better word, 
for me.

(WOW - I can't believe he knew that).

That he knew I was naturally submissive to him.
And over the years, he's really learned to love
Dominating me. 
That it works for us.  That it won't stop.

He said that he is kind of at a loss when I fight so damn much
against his Dominance, though.

He had a suggestion, that he will work on 
bringing me back in line and loving me where I am.
But if I'm simply not able to submit, that I could have a safe word.

Now we've NEVER had safe words that we have used before
(Ya, ya, I know that's not how you're supposed to do it…
but it works for us because we've been together FOREVER).

But we would have a safe word that meant that I was simply
NOT able to submit and he would stop, or try to stop,
for that day.  BUT NOT LONGER.  
He would love me and be kind and caring for the rest of the day,
but he would not dominate me at all.  So I need to be careful and clear.

He asked me to pick a word and I asked if he would.
We laughed over several possibilities and …

ready for it …

he settled on "corndog".  

I don't even eat those…neither does he.

We laughed and agreed and I have to tell you,
I feel more in love with this amazing wonderful
husband, friend, Dom tonight,
than I have in the many many many years we've been together.

22 comments:

  1. Umm...I am not usually one to say ....I told you so, but......sounds like a big step in the right direction.
    hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. Thanks abby…so glad you didn't tell me so =)

      hugs,
      fiona

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  2. Not sure what is in the air...but Master and I had gone through a similar thing this week. I am not sure if it's fighting his dominance (or my submission) but just a reminder of who we are. What really would have settled it was a spanking, bondage, and some serious pounding, but alas, he is too far away. Glad you feel better :) I do too :) xx

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    1. I am sorry he was too far away…yes, a good spanking and some serious reminders does wonders! I hope you feel better soon as well! Just some good ol' conversation can do a lot.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  3. So glad you two have worked a solution, something you are both happy with. I'm wondering by having this mechanism place, to be able to call a timeout, you will find it easier to submit. Just knowing it is there, doesn't necessarily mean you will use it. Rather like any safety net, it's purpose is your peace of mind.
    hugs
    DF

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    Replies
    1. I am finding it much easier…I don't know why. I don't think I will use it, but just knowing that he'll keep going is huge. I don't know why I fight it so sometimes.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  4. How great is that. I love those relationship peaks, it's new love all over again.

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    1. It's still unreal to me that I can be sooooo desperately in love with this man for so long. Just when I think I can't love him more….wa-la.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  5. There was a time when my kids ate enough corn dogs for the whole world! Glad to read this! :)

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    1. Hahahahahaha
      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

      They just won't ever look the same to me.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  6. I'm so sorry you've been having such a hard time :(

    now i've experienced surrender, I hate the baffling resistance that bubbles up from time to time.. I am learning to bite my tongue so hard it nearly has holes in!

    The safe word and it's application here is a great idea... Maybe you'll find just having it helps? I've never needed to use mine, just having it and knowing I can use it is enough.

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    Replies
    1. I've found it helpful, that I can surrender knowing that I can stop…but oddly, won't. I don't know. That makes no sense, but it is true for me right now. My mind is seriously messed up =)

      hugs,
      fiona

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  7. Maybe It's just the "scale" shifting and a new phase has began.....maybe even a better one.

    Hugs

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    Replies
    1. Maybe…I hope so. I hope it's always a beneficial one for us both.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  8. Sir is amazing. But, so are you. Beautiful.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Hug,
    joey

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    Replies
    1. Thank you joey. I appreciate your support!! You make a huge difference.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  9. Dearest Fiona,

    I'm so glad that you and your Sir have made it through this trial. My heart is celebrating with you.

    love,

    sofia

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    Replies
    1. Thanks sofia. I don't know about through…it'll be a journey for a while - I'm sad to say. I hope that we can make it with few bumps…but I have a feeling there will be some doozies.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  10. The intimacy in TTWD is just beyond the everyday love. Each of you is so invested in loving the other- it's awesome to see!

    Fiona, thank you so much for laying it out here. Blogging does so much for the blogger, I know this. It's what it does for the reader that can be hard to remember. Through each others rough patches we can learn a new way to make it through our own. Thank you so much for this!

    "Corndog" that word just makes me giggle =)

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    1. Thanks Pearl. Your comment is….so appreciated. The reminder that there is ANYTHING positive about blogging the imperfections … it's hard to feel like I'm whining. So I do appreciate your words.

      Corndog will make me giggle forever more!

      hugs,
      fiona

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Thank you very much for sharing your comments. This blogland world has become so much more meaningful because of the conversations that y'all have with me through comments...REALLY!

I appreciate them all and will endeavor to answer EVERY comment if at all possible!

THANK YOU
-fiona