He explained that I was raised to be an alpha dog...
that I was trained to be like that.
He is so right...I was raised to be
one strong woman.
But not just strong...because I'm still strong...
but I was raised to be right...to be completely self sufficient
to be capable of everything.
And for the most part, I am.
But I'm Not.
I am capable...I am very self sufficient...I am strong...
I am hugely capable.
But I am NOT an alpha dog.
Well...I and I'm not.
I have been for a long long time...
but I am me...I am most comfortable being submissive.
I am a natural submissive who was raised to be large and in charge.
It's taken me so long to figure that out.
But figure it out I have.... with Master's help.
"You found solace in submission because it is who you are." Master said.
"We are going to the next level."
He explained that a big part of where He is now and
where I am now has to do with when I gave him that piece of paper, as he says.
When I gave him my slave registration papers...
formally and completely giving myself to Him.
I told Him,
"I want to go to a place when I am allowed and expected to be who I am."
He explained that by giving Him that piece of paper,
we went from thinking...Oh on Saturday I like fettish play or I want a spanking.
That it was a bold choice and that I completely give myself up.
He told me that He had asked repeatedly if this is what I've wanted and
every time I've said yes...I want this...I want to be His...I want to be His slave!
He said, "I'm not asking any more. You're mine. I own every bit of you. It's no longer about you . It's about me."
He told me that He has some unhealthy habits to break and that
I REALLY have some unhealthy habits to break
and He's responsible to break those habits.
"I will break you of these habits. I will break these habits gently because I am a gentile man and sometimes I will break them brutally because that is the right thing."
"fiona, you are mine. I value my stuff. I don't want to break my stuff. I want you to take care of my stuff. I do want to push you but I don't want to break you. I expect you to tell me if I'm breaking you. But I make no mistake...I will be deciding. Always. We're going to make this habitual. This is a bold choice, fiona."
it feels so like I have been sexually, submissively, personally
ON and OFF
I have brief periods of feeling ON
being sexually available
"normal for me"
I feel like myself.
Then all of a sudden,
I have brief periods of feeling OFF
don't feel submissive what so ever
am sexually blah
I just don't feel like me.
We all go through these periods,
But for me, it's unusual.
It's normal with huge amounts of stress
I know, but at some point,
when I'm having frequent huge amounts of stress
it seems like I should adjust and figure it out.
Things will get back to normal,
be kind to yourself and
let your Sir take care of you
and help guide you back
I know, but I am scared...
I've never had such frequent periods
of being OFF.
I'm also so fucking sick of it!
I am DONE being off.
I'm sick of being stressed.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm ready for normalcy.
I'm ready to be back to MMEEEEE!
I want yearn to be back to my fulltime submissive feelings.
I miss them, really miss them.
I'm ready to be stuck back ON!
(ok...pity party for one is over...now pulling up my big-girl-panties)
So I have been off the grid for a bit. I got my number from ancilla a while ago and haven't had the opportunity to write. Sorry for my delay. If you comment on this writing I will give you a number between 1 and 20 and you can share that many random facts about you if you wish. There is no obligation if you don't wish to write about yourself!
ancilla at A slave to Masterhas given me the number 17, so here are 17 somewhat rambling random facts about me: hmmmmm....where to start? First, I'll separate them into kinky and vanilla. Vanilla: 1. I'm a very flexible person...not physically but in life. I am a total fly by the seat of my pants and figure it out as I go kinda girl. 2. Contrary to what #1 says, I'm a fantastic planner when I want or need to be in part because I'm exceedingly methodical. 3. I'm an extrovert who is becoming an introvert. 4. I have a keen mechanical/spacial mind. While I didn't major in mechanical engineering, I certainly could have. I fix things and build things all the time. 5. To that end, I am the person to generally wire things or build things in my house...not because my Sir can't, but because he's kind enough to let me because I nine times out of ten, I absolutely love doing it. 6. I'm a fabulous problem solver and can think on my feet and think outside of the box. 7. While many people think I'm really smart, I don't see myself as being very smart. 8. While Sir says I'm beautiful, I do have a terrible self image. I rarely think I look pretty....it's something He's helping me with. 9. I love to travel and would love to go ANYWHERE with my Sir!! Kinky: 10. My favorite thing to be spanked with is either His Hand or a flogger. 11. When I started out being a full time submissive (and not a switch), I didn't think I would ever love the service aspect of submission...I was wrong! 12. I day-dream about being used...about Sir letting other's use me. About Him allowing others to come and put me on my knees for a blow job, etc. 13. He frequently fantasizes about letting others use me! 14. He really wants to get a choker for me to wear as a collar every day. 15. I really hate chokers, but I frequently wear a silver collar (the kind that sits fairly close but that opens in the back. I wish he would like something like that instead (but he doesn't). hmmmm. 16. He LOVES me to wear cupless bras or no bra. I'm slowly getting more comfortable with that. 17. I am still SHOCKED anyone actually cares about what I write...I am not a writer, not eloquent, write about nothing important - but worse than that....write about our love life. But I am so very grateful for EVERY comment I have EVER gotten on this blog. They have been so kind and supportive and interesting and let me know you are there. It makes this whole blogland experience feel like a conversation instead of just words on the screen.