Not Feeling

So...I know - I say this periodically.

I'm broken

Strangely this time, I feel broken in a whole new way.

I have had friends who have
inadequate sex lives,
unfulfilled sex lives,
infrequent sex lives ...


I have had many women who I haven know who
didn't like sex
saw sex as a chore
were disinterested in sex ...

The trick was...
I wasn't ever one of those people.

Now I was a WICKED late bloomer.

I had been raped in high school
and had no real boyfriend while in high school
so I had no positive experience with regard to sexual activities.

I just had no interest and no exposure.

Now college is a different story.

I had my first boyfriend.
I had my first real love affair.
...now I wasn't actually having sex
until I was married...

...or for three-and-a-half-WEEKS...
which ever came first.

BUT, since then, I've been...
um...
totally enamored with sex!

I have had moments where my sex drive was
out of control.
I have had moments where my sex drive was
minimal.
But, minimal has always been short lived.

One thing I know about me...
I'm definitely a use-it-or-loose-it kinda girl.

Lucky for me, I've always used it :)

Sadly, we had a family crisis
late this fall - early winter.

We had to focus on making it through...
day by day
one step in front of the other

and sex...
well, we were
tired and stressed
and tired and worried
and tired and sad
and tired and terrified
and tired and angry
and tired and stressed.

So, sex...went by the wayside

and it's been a long time.

That combines with the fact that
my husband and I are both
ridiculously stressed and exhausted

we were both needing a great deal of support
and I think because we're in a
more fragile place,
I think submission fits both of our places at the moment.

Sadly, as time goes on,
I feel...less
not less THAN...
just less.

I don't feel.
I'm currently NOT feeling sexy
I'm not feeling sexual in any way
I'm not NEEDING sex
I'm not WANTING sex
I'm not FEELING sex.

It's terrifying...I've not ever been here
(for more than a brief moment)
since I started being a sexual being.

I can see how women who aren't in
desirous...needy...wanting
feel.

And I'm feeling sad and broken and
NOT like me.

I know so many who say it will come...
but He's not feeling Dominant in any way...
I'm not feeling submissive
He's wanting care and softness and comfort
and I'm shutting down.

I'm sure we'll come through...
this is just our moment...
sadly, it's a long fucking moment
and I hate it.

Last Day of Vacation

...before he exited the shower, I whispered in his ear, 

"I want you to write a blog post aboutwhat happened in this shower!"

Here's what he gave me this evening.
(keep in mind, we were switches for years
and this sub is a sub at heart...
but can play her Master like a fiddle!)

Today wasn't the first time, but it was memorable.  

Mam came and woke me up from a light nap.  
She ushered me into the bathroom for a shower.

She had to desperately pee and wanted me there. 

She helped me to quickly strip and then all but pushed me 
into the cool shower.
It was warming,
but not fast enough.

I knew what she wanted
and I got on my knees in the shower.

We had been talking about her domination
and my fantasies.

I knew what she was doing 
and I was tingling on the inside!

I bent down and she peed on my face.
Marking me with her scent 
telling me how much she was in control.

After finishing, I proceeded to wash her body
from the sitting position on the floor of the shower.

After finishing, she ushered me to my feet
and asked me if I remembered her fantasy of the other day.

I was slow to admit that I did.

she turned me around and asked me to squat just a little.

She grabbed some cream rinse and before I knew it,
she was loosening my ass and masturbating me at the same time.

I was truly putty in her hands.

After what seems like ten minutes, 
she had milked me dry.

She helped me stand up, 
turned me around,
held me and cupped my sack.

Another stroke of dominance.

I could barely stand but I left the shower dreaming about what lay 
ahead on my last night of vacation.....