Friday, January 13, 2017

Not Feeling

So...I know - I say this periodically.

I'm broken

Strangely this time, I feel broken in a whole new way.

I have had friends who have
inadequate sex lives,
unfulfilled sex lives,
infrequent sex lives ...


I have had many women who I haven know who
didn't like sex
saw sex as a chore
were disinterested in sex ...

The trick was...
I wasn't ever one of those people.

Now I was a WICKED late bloomer.

I had been raped in high school
and had no real boyfriend while in high school
so I had no positive experience with regard to sexual activities.

I just had no interest and no exposure.

Now college is a different story.

I had my first boyfriend.
I had my first real love affair.
...now I wasn't actually having sex
until I was married...

...or for three-and-a-half-WEEKS...
which ever came first.

BUT, since then, I've been...
um...
totally enamored with sex!

I have had moments where my sex drive was
out of control.
I have had moments where my sex drive was
minimal.
But, minimal has always been short lived.

One thing I know about me...
I'm definitely a use-it-or-loose-it kinda girl.

Lucky for me, I've always used it :)

Sadly, we had a family crisis
late this fall - early winter.

We had to focus on making it through...
day by day
one step in front of the other

and sex...
well, we were
tired and stressed
and tired and worried
and tired and sad
and tired and terrified
and tired and angry
and tired and stressed.

So, sex...went by the wayside

and it's been a long time.

That combines with the fact that
my husband and I are both
ridiculously stressed and exhausted

we were both needing a great deal of support
and I think because we're in a
more fragile place,
I think submission fits both of our places at the moment.

Sadly, as time goes on,
I feel...less
not less THAN...
just less.

I don't feel.
I'm currently NOT feeling sexy
I'm not feeling sexual in any way
I'm not NEEDING sex
I'm not WANTING sex
I'm not FEELING sex.

It's terrifying...I've not ever been here
(for more than a brief moment)
since I started being a sexual being.

I can see how women who aren't in
desirous...needy...wanting
feel.

And I'm feeling sad and broken and
NOT like me.

I know so many who say it will come...
but He's not feeling Dominant in any way...
I'm not feeling submissive
He's wanting care and softness and comfort
and I'm shutting down.

I'm sure we'll come through...
this is just our moment...
sadly, it's a long fucking moment
and I hate it.




2 comments:

  1. Dear Fiona - I'm so sorry you're going through this!! Hoping it gets better soon. 💜💜

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've been there. Life gets hard and it is hard to keep all the balls in the air. So you drop some. Sex is usually one of those balls for us. Then comes cleaning and self-care.

    It is hard to say, in time it will come back. It doesn't feel that way when you are in it. It feels like a never ending forever stretched across time. I know it seemed that way for me. But it WILL come back. It is hard to force it. I focused on other things, just trying to get everything else under control. Trying to be happy in other things first, and the rest came natural.

    ReplyDelete

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-fiona