I was quietly laying in bed with Sir last night. The house is dark and quiet. The quilt and comforter lay heavily atop us, swaddling us in warmth. My Sir has me tucked into his side, my head raising and falling on his chest and my hand gently enveloping his cock and balls. He pulls his hand up and is stroking my hair. I feel so safe, warm, loved, comforted....content.
"With the holidays and traveling, it feels like I have lost some of my submission. I miss it." I confess in a whisper. I love when it is dark and we are snuggled and it feels like I can say anything. It's not like I hold back, typically, but in this scenario, cloaked in darkness and safe in his arms, I don't feel embarrassed about anything.
"Well, this past year has been your year of submission, hasn't it fiona?"
My hard stops. I am terrified. Does he mean that we're done? Does he want out? Is he done with TTWD? I've finally become confident in my position, in my desire, in my place.
Crap, Shit, Fuck. I sit up - criss-cross my legs and look at him...Yes, it's dark, so I can only see an outline. I'm holding my breath.
"Hasn't it, fiona?" he repeats.
Breathe, breathe fiona - I tell myself.
"But I don't want it to end. I was just saying that i missed it. I have missed sitting at your feet, putting on your shoes, I have missed being spanked - Oh, God have I missed being spanked. I know it hasn't been that long, but I have MISSED being demonstrably submissive to you." I say with a strong voice.
"I've missed it too, fiona. I like you being a good girl. I love you being my good little girl." he replies. Oh thank heavens. Really! OH THANK HEAVENS!!
It seems poignant that this conversation happens when it does. It happens just before the new year and it served to reaffirms our places, it reaffirms our desires, it reaffirms our roles.
Last night and today, Sir has put his hand (and brush) where his mouth was...he has begun the spankings and I am feeling better.
I have gone through so many emotions in this past year. I have felt...
...ashamed that I liked to be spanked
...nervous about wanting to be submissive all the time
...insecure about my ability to please him.
...selfish for wanting to always be submissive (remember we had been life long switches)
...vulnerable for vocalizing my deepest desires and accepting them as part of me
...satisfied that I was doing a good job when I did as I was told
...content to follow his directions, even in humiliation or sexual scenes which pushed my boundaries
...free and whole being a submissive to his Dominant
...excited-as-hell to be His
...happy to be able to accept my submissive, spanko, kinky desires
...horny, wanton, slutty... oh I've felt those too.
I am grateful for this year. I am grateful for this blog. Without Conina's encouragement, I would never have started this blog. Thank you. I have blossoming friendships with a couple of blogland folks and am grateful for those. They make my life much more complete. I am grateful for you! I have learned so much and been provoked into meaningful introspection by my reading of the wonderful blogs out there. Thank you for allowing me to join in your journeys. Most surprisingly, I have grown to really love the "conversation" that I am able to have with y'all who comment. It means more to me than you know.
Happy New Year my kinky blogland friends. I wish you and yours a New Year with ENOUGH!