Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Communication

Communication…the best thing that Sir and I have going for us…
other than true love ;-)

I have been struggling with finding my submissive groove.  I know it.  When in the moment, I'm all there, but it's fleeting.  Like this illusive quality that I love when I'm holding it but which quickly disappears when I step away for a minute.  Silly, shouldn't be like that.  I've got more to manage and stress over and manipulate in our day-to-day lives right now.  I am mommy-domme and organizer of our household and it's taking all of my mental capacity to get it done.  This means that I'm un-submissive and all over the place and can't seem to get my mind around to where I it should be…no, where I want it to be.  

Yesterday, Sir asked me, while we were in bed, what was wrong.  I started to talk to him, but clammed up.  I just couldn't get the words out.  In the morning, I sent this email to him on his private account.  I had to call him and tell him it was there as he doesn't check it unless I tell him I'm sending him something.  Every once and a while I can just articulate where I am so much better in writing…not all the time, but sometimes.

Here are the two emails that we sent yesterday:

fiona  (one day ago)

So, I am warring with myself.

ON ONE HAND:
I feel like I am being rejected when I have asked for you to tie me up…in many different ways and you've said that you will and then it doesn't happen.  AND when I have asked you to please "tighten the screws" - to plug me more frequently (I know that anal isn't your thing, but even telling me to put in the plug would be helpful) - to help me a bit more.  I am resisting.  I can tell.  It's even more frustrating that I can tell that I'm doing it.  I'm stressed and sad and stressed -have I mentioned stressed?  That will help.  Submitting will help.  I know it does.  I know I WANT IT.  I hope you want it.  But I've asked several times and then when none of it happens I feel rejected or … idk.  I wish you would push…I wish you would not accept it when I clam up and aren't forthcoming with you.  I wish you would have consequences when I misbehave…make a point.  


ON THE OTHER HAND:
I feel like I have no business asking any more of you when you're stressed and insanely busy and doing a ton…both at home and at work.  I feel like I have no business complaining when I have had the best sex of my life over the last five years - last few in particular.  I feel like I am being selfish and self-centered and unsubmissive - pushing for my needs and wants and not being grateful enough for all that I am getting.  

I also think I walk the line of wanting you to be a hard-ass-Master and a considerate-Dom.  I want you to push me sometimes but be compassionate others…and I'm sure that's a minefield that I've set up in my head

ANYWAY:
That's where I am.  I will work on getting myself straight. I know myself well enough to know if you simply tell me to plug myself today or jump in, I'll feel like you're just doing it because I pitched a fit.  That's not what I want.  I have to make myself content and deal.  Sometimes writing helps me do it.  I'll work on me…and know that I am grateful for you!

Love you,
fiona



Sir Q

11:35 PM (23 hours ago)

Wow. That helps me a lot. I love hearing your thoughts and this is clearly a great way for you to express them. I now understand last night. I do struggle finding the push-but-compassion line but that is obviously not the issue here. I just get so overloaded and distracted. I cannot explain why but yesterday was not my sharpest day intellectually. It was a great day but not my best brain-game day.

I do want to Dom. I do like bondage. I do want to plug u. YOU will make sure shit is together so we can have some alone time on Friday night. I want to go to bed @ 9:30. We will have some me dom time. Put it in pen in your calendar. You will tell me sheepishly how much you are looking forward to it on Friday.

Good girl
Pretty girl
Sent from my iPod

10 comments:

  1. I get this...not so much recently, but when i was in full teaching and mom mode...i would often get up in the middle of the night and send Master a letter....writing was so much easier for me than verbally expressing my thoughts. The two of you have something very special ,,,,,sometimes life just gets in the way. I cannot wait to hear about Friday....hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. Thanks abby. You're so right, sometimes life just gets in the way. I hope I don't piss Him off too much before Friday…I'm not exactly on my best behavior right now.

      Hugs,
      fiona

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  2. Like abby said above, I also find it easier sometimes to express verbally. Especially if I am having a particularly hard time asking for something, or expressing what I may be needing. I am still new here, but it sounds like you guys have such a great relationship. I am really enjoying everything you share. Kudos to communicating! Without it, things are so much harder. :)

    xx
    brat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks brat for the comment. We do have a fabulous relationship, kink aside. We are extraordinarily lucky to have found each other and to have this amazing sex life on top of a great friendship.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  3. I'm so glad he was able to read and hear your words.. and that he responded as he did!
    Good luck and enjoy the results.

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    Replies
    1. I am too nbs. I am so grateful that he responded - right away - the way he did. It helped so much.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  4. Hi Fiona, I'm new to your blog and this post hit very close to home for me.
    I have also been struggling, and I, like you, seem to communicate better through writing. I'm so glad to see that he was so receptive to what you wrote. All the best!

    -Beth

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    Replies
    1. Hi SFB. Wow, where does that name come from? Or should I just say Beth? Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it. He is usually - nah - he's always receptive to my communications as long as they are done with respect. I so believe that communication is the key, at least for us, to a great relationship.

      Good luck,

      Hugs
      fiona

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  5. I love the fact that you can write down what you cannot voice & that SirQ listens.

    I do so hate when the real world gets in the way!

    Good luck on Friday! It sounds like he needs it as much as you do!

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    Replies
    1. you know kittie, it's taken years to figure out the ways of communication that work for both of us…at different time. We both try to listen, and typically He is an AMAZING listener.

      This real world is rockin' my world! Seriously!

      hugs,
      fiona

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Thank you very much for sharing your comments. This blogland world has become so much more meaningful because of the conversations that y'all have with me through comments...REALLY!

I appreciate them all and will endeavor to answer EVERY comment if at all possible!

THANK YOU
-fiona