Monday, November 5, 2012

SAD


The sky on November 5, 2011, the day she died.

WarningNOTHING Sexy or Hot 
written here.  Just life – real life…

I am sad.  Profoundly sad.  Last year was noteworthy on the tragic side for me.  I lost.  I lost friends, I lost family, I lost familiarity, I lost.  You know how they have those tests for stress and they include; death, divorce, change in job, change in location... - well, I didn't get divorced.  

I have had a good year since then, overall.  I have grieved and grown.  But today.  Today is hard.  Today is sad.   One year ago today, I lost the person I was closest to in this world, next to my husband.  I lost the most precious person who knew me since I was born.  I knew this day would be hard and, indeed, many tears have been shed and the hole in my heart and soul is still large. 

The sky the evening I put her in the ground.
I had asked my love, my husband, my Sir to be here on this day, as I knew it would be hard.  I asked many moons ago…and this is not something I really ever do.  He planned on being here and at the last minute – well a couple of weeks ago, he had to set up a business trip on this day (yesterday and tomorrow too).  I was despondent when he told me – feeling sad and betrayed and alone.  Now, I do realize, in the cold light of day, that it may be a little way too dramatic  to go there…but at the moment it was real.  

I asked him on Saturday to please spank me - really spank me, and make sure I was in as good of a place as I could be in before he left.  He promise to do just that.  Guess what…life happened.  I went up to our room and he did too.  We packed and he fell asleep.  I was … you guessed it … sad and frusterated and angry.  I cried, silent tears, not that it would have mattered, he was asleep.  I moved over to the side of the bed furthest away from him.  I tried to sleep, but couldn’t .  After a bit of time too long, I decided I wasn’t punishing him by sleeping far away and distancing myself.  I snuggled up and put myself in the position that is our ritual rule.  I slid off into dream land.  

*slap*

I awoke to a swift smack of his hand on my ass, then rubbing -  Ohh Ohhh.  He spanked me awake and then kissed me.  It was the middle of the night, just prior to him having to leave.  He got out the flogger and flogged.  He told me the last few would be hard – he had to make them count as he said.  They were HARD – they counted.  He kissed me and gave me directions…things to do.  I was to stay plugged for specific periods of time, to do specific things around the house...he was trying to help me stay focused and not fall apart.  He has been calling and being attentive.  I am grateful for his help.  I am grateful for his love.  I am grateful for what I have…

... but I am still at a loss.  I am still sad.  I am still broken hearted.  Today is hard and I am sad.  

16 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss, big hugs to you and positive uplifting energy coming your way.

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    1. Thank you, faerie...I can use some positive energy.

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  2. I am so sorry you are struggling. Sending you peace and comfort. *hugs*

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  3. Anniversaries of loss are hard - I am glad you have your blog to share on and this is part of it all too. Lots of hugs and smiles.

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    1. I agree, Anniversaries are hard. I wasn't sure if I should share on a blog about ... not this...but I appreciate your response and hugs and smiles.

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  4. i'm so sorry for your loss. I feel your ache and i know it's only a fraction of a fraction of what you must be feeling.

    sending love your way. and glad that you got your spanks before he had to leave. That helps some, i'm sure.

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    1. Thanks Fondles, I do ache...but I am glad that I got them.

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  5. The first anniversary is the hardest one... so sorry.

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    1. Thank you!! I hope so...if it gets worse, I'm in trouble.

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  6. I agree with Conina- I was going to say the same thing. It gets easier, not better but easier. Remember the good times and try not to dwell in the pain. Hugs.

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    1. Yes, time is the best healer but a good old cry now and again helps too. I feel for you. Best wishes, Gary.

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  7. ((((((((((((((((((((Fiona))))))))))))))))))) Hugs to you! I am so sorry for your loss....i know days like this are so hard. Thinking of you

    Belle

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    1. ((((((((((((Belle)))))))))))))
      Thank you Belle - I appreciate that.

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  8. HUGS...unfortunately, sadness is a part of life, of loving. Certain anniversaries are hard days to get through for me too. I am glad that He was able to help.
    hugs abby

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    1. I soooo understand that it is part of life and I do appreciate that it is where we find joy...the flip side. I say that all the time. Just tough in the process. I am so glad he did what he could to help! Thanks, abby!

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Thank you very much for sharing your comments. This blogland world has become so much more meaningful because of the conversations that y'all have with me through comments...REALLY!

I appreciate them all and will endeavor to answer EVERY comment if at all possible!

THANK YOU
-fiona