Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Kinky Vanilla

Well, I read a post by Kitty about Vanilla Sex.  Her post made me thing about vanilla in my life.

Sir and I had PLENTY of vanilla sex in our 20+ years.  We've always had a great sex life...sleeping together (in the biblical sense), typically, 3-4 times a week.  We've been best friends from our first night together.  No, there was no sex that night...just talking.  ALL night.  We saw sunset and sunrise.  We've made love in many positions and gone to sleep sated, happy, and connected.  There was nothing wrong with our vanilla sex life.

My First Pair of Handcuffs
With all that said, we started with kink in our relationship, to some degree, but never named it as kink.  Within the first few months of sleeping together, we spanked.  I loved being spanked.  I can't remember the first dildo that he bought or the first vibe, but I've had them a long time.  I purchased our first pair of handcuffs and gave them to him as a gift over 20 years ago.  They weren't the pink fuzzy ones, they were metal police type cuffs and oh, was I in!  I have loved bondage and rarely, if ever, get my fill.  We've had crops and floggers and clamps...you get the idea.

We've had kink AND vanilla for as long as we've had us.  But the vanilla has historically been along side the kink, some nights this and some nights that.  As I have blogged before, our kink became more focused a little over a year ago.  Where we had been forever switches, we became D/s with sole-positions of D and s.  So for a year we've been settling into our roles.  As the months go by, the vanilla seems to appear less and less in our sex-life.  Now-a-days, the periodic blow job instead of a face fucking - meaning no hands in my hair, no loss of control, no force, is the closest we typically get to vanilla sex.

I have tried to initiate making love to my husband a couple of times.  We typically evolve into D/s - where I am clearly giving my power over and he is clearly taking my power and HE is in charge.

So I sit here, typing this post and am contemplating where we are.
       Do I miss it? 
              Do I miss the vanilla?  
       Am I not making love when we are sleeping together with our D/s in full view?  
Do we not connect on the same level when there are the trappings of bondage, toys, spankings?

I am LOVING my kink.  I don't miss the vanilla in my sex-life.  I do not miss it, because
       
I have vanilla inside my kink.  


  • From each tender kiss to every loving spank.  
  • From each sappy phone conversation that begins with an equally husband-specified sappy ring-tone to each tug, bite and clamp of my nipple. 
  • From each snuggle, spooning close at night to each flog as his hand rests strong and sure against my back.  
  • From each dinner conversation and parenting moment to every whisper of ownership in my ear.  

I love my kink AND I love the vanilla that lives within...
and I don't feel incomplete at all.

27 comments:

  1. This is a great post fiona- Lots to think about!

    Nothing wrong with a little vanilla in your kink and visa versa!

    There really is no wrong or right. That is the beauty. It is what works for you and it can change from day to day.

    ~faithful

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    1. Thanks faithful. Yes, it definitely evolves, but I do love that I now am secure enough to believe - really believe - that what works for me is right for me!

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  2. Great way to describe it, vanilla inside the kink. I so get that :)

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    1. Thanks faerie...I'm glad that it's something that someone else can relate to.

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  3. What a great post! Vanilla and kink co-exist for most of us, you have found how to make the combination work at its best!
    hugs abby

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    1. Hugs abby.
      Vanilla and kink have always been a part of my life...but they were more separate than they are nowadays. It's a good combination for us right now :)

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  4. It's a beautiful way of getting the best of two world.
    It's great to be able to be kinky and vanilla at the same time.

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    1. Oh, I very much agree. We're definitely in a sweet spot right now. I hope you are back to yours very soon!

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  5. OMG This! So this!

    We've also had spanking and bondage alongside the vanilla from pretty much the beginning, although we didn't start exploring actual kink - finding terms and such - till quite a bit later.

    We've also both been switchy for ages, but now seem to be settling into him D, me s

    and the vanilla caresses inbetween the kink pain - yes! Love it!

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    1. Wow mamacrow, many similarities :)
      Ya, it's funny that I only realized in the last 10 months that what we did was "kinky"...before that, it was just what we did (haha.)

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  6. I wrote a post, ages ago when I first started, wondering when it stopped being vanilla.. at what point was sex no longer vanilla and considered "kinky?"... I had Venn diagrams and everything.

    No one knows.

    It all bleeds together beautifully when you're doing it right, in a relationship where these things shift and merge and exist in the same place.

    I suppose it's possible to have a purely kinky interaction with a play partner when your sole reason for relating to each other is kink - but I don't think real relationships can exist in the "kink" vacuum. :)

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  7. OK...so I missed that one...what's the link?

    I think a kink vacuum would be difficult especially when the vanilla world abounds.

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    1. I LOVE that you include a venn diagram...great post. Thanks for sharing Conina.

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  8. I love this musing - it makes a lot of sex and it is so positively happy - but of course, I noodled in one particular phrase:

    I have loved bondage and rarely, if ever, get my fill.

    That. That right there is why I keep coming back. Vanilla does go away when you power exchange. I think that's the point? Never previously expressed?

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    1. Thanks Kitty. I have continued on with my comments, but keep erasing them...so I'll just say thanks...you oddly have given me something to think about =)

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    2. LOL - I wrote "sex" instead of "sense". Both probably work, but man, my mind seems to be wandering. Hee.

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    3. Freudian slip there - haha
      (I had figured that)

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  9. How is it i missed this?

    Ive been thinking recently that i might throw all the initialisms away. Cos what we are is a couple. In love. And our sex life has some unusual elements (for vanilla folk) and our relationship has some element of very defined gender roles (to b really technical, thats really all it is isnt it?)

    So in fact, we're just like any (vanilla) couple- unique.

    And vanilla alongside or within or encompassing kink is just different ways of saying u are what u are and happy as u are!

    Cheers! U just deciphered the mystery of all of this stuff!

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    1. Haha...ya fondles...deciphered - for a moment -- what I have been living in for ... forever :)

      Ya, the initials help us have a very brief understanding of what someone is or does, but it's not the same thing for everyone and there is always fine tuning within each relationship.

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  10. I love this, great way of putting it. If you feel comfortable with your sex life, then you know everything you need and want is in it. At least that is how I look at it!
    DH is slowly starting to grasp the power he has over me. I love it. He is at time speechless.

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    1. Hi Julie...thanks for commenting so I could find your blog!
      It is such a journey, isn't it.
      It is amazing when we start embracing our desires, live our fantasies (the ones we want to, at least) and being who we want to be in our relationships.

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  11. Very nice-- I imagine we will always be this way too.

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Thank you very much for sharing your comments. This blogland world has become so much more meaningful because of the conversations that y'all have with me through comments...REALLY!

I appreciate them all and will endeavor to answer EVERY comment if at all possible!

THANK YOU
-fiona