Working Through What Life Brings

So Sir and I had a very hard discussion last night.  He was prepping me for an inevitable end that I don't want to end.  No one is dying, but it's an end to something that I love.  It was a planned end.  It was expected.  But my love for this thing (and no I'm not explaining what the thing is, sorry) was unexpected but non-the-less...it's there and it's real.

So we had this discussion and I went through many quick steps of grieving all at once...It was an exhausting night.

So at the beginning of our evening, we were sitting in the living room.  The fire was lit, we were comfortable, the evening had been lovely.  He began the conversation with, "Ok, fiona.  We need to take a few minutes and really talk about this.  I need to know where you stand and we need to be in this together."  As we are with all major decisions in our life.  We are together.  He continued talking.  I listened.  I didn't look at him, which was not typical of either of us, but I think it was just a lot of information and a lot of processing and I didn't want to make eye contact.  He finished talking and I continued to sit there listening...to nothing.  Finally he said, "fiona, I've said my peace.  I've given you a lot to think about.  What do you think."  I sat quietly.  Alone.

Then I opened up my mouth.  I was angry.  We argued for a while until I was SERIOUSLY PISSED.  Now my love, my Sir, my husband is a good Great man.  He wasn't doing anything TO me, he was discussing and trying to work through.  Eventually when I had argued and argued, I got up and picked up my things.  He looked quizzically at me and said, "Are you going to bed??"  to which I SHOUTED..."YYYYYEEEEESSSSS" in a none-too-pleasant tone.

WTF, fiona.  I stomped upstairs in all of my five-year-old-glory and went to our bedroom.  He followed me upstairs.  He put his hand on my neck and pushed me over the bed.  I was MAD.  I don't want this. I don't want a SPANKING.  I don't want anything but to wallow in self-pity.  So I fought for a minute, maybe even only 30 seconds and then accepted no acknowledged my need.

He helped me rid myself of my pants and panties and he spanked, and I cried, immediately.  Damn, I am NOT a crier, but I needed to cry.  It felt good to cry.  I HATE THAT by the way.  I hate to cry and I hate that it was cathartic.  But there you have it.  He spanked me with his hand and with the clipboard, it's what was immediately accessible.

At the end, he rubbed and rubbed and then pulled me up and held me.  He caressed my had and rubbed my back.  He tipped my chin up to look at him and said, "That wasn't enough, I know.     I know."

And I think it was him saying it was all he could do.  He couldn't listen to me cry, sob into the bed and continue to beat me.  He needed to sooth too, he needed to connect, he needed to care for me also.  And he's right.  It wasn't enough.  But I needed the connection and the soothing and care also.  I needed it all.  It wasn't enough, but it was a start, and I'm grateful for that.

My Wiring and Orgasm Denial

I know I have read many peoples posts which include orgasm denial as part of their dynamic.  This has never been something that Sir and I have explored or have any desire to explore.  I say that so confidently, but I don't think we've ever discussed it.  It seems amazing to me that after this many years, there are still things we've not discussed. 

I know Sir isn't interested in it, not from conversations about it, but because he knows me.  He knows how I work...and orgasm denial simply wouldn't work for me.  I don't know, maybe I'm broken (hehehe...ya, not broken, just not wired that way).  You see...for me the saying goes...absence makes the heart go wander (not absence makes the heart grow fonder).

Now I know, I wasn't talking about love or my heart, I was talking about orgasms.  But it still applies.  When I'm not very sexual, when I have no orgasms, when lust isn't fanned and hornyness isn't fueled, I simply want less.  I need less.  I desire less.  I grow accustomed to a new norm where less is there and adapt to want, need, fantasize about sex less.

So my question, dear blogland friends, is what's your take.

1.  How are you wired?  Get more, want more   OR   Get less, want more   OR   something else?
2.  Any idea why it is that way for you?
3.  Is your partner wired the same way?

Electricity and Sir

My feelings for Sir are similar to my feelings toward electricity.

Hear me out.

Ok, so this weekend I was doing a bit of wiring at my house.  I was taught to wire outlets and other such things as a child.  I have been wiring or re-wiring things as necessary for the past thirty-something years.  For some jobs, I'll wire them live (meaning I don't turn the power to the outlet or that portion of the house off).  I know...before you really let into me...I know, it's STUPID.  (happy Conina??) So...back to my weekend project.  I was re-wiring - something that I've done a bazillion times (YES, that's the actual number of times) - and I freaking shocked myself THREE times.  UGH...so after the third time, I turned the circuit breaker to that out outlet off.  I know, I know, took me LONG enough...huh?

Now, do you ever have those moments where two things that are NOT at all connected become fussed together?  Well, maybe it was the extra electricity flowing through my body, but I had the thought...hmmm Electricity and Sir have so much in common...so many traits...similarities.

Similarities between

My Sir AND Electricity

• Both are electric....(well that was obvious)
• Both send sparks through my body (hopefully not too many)
• Both have the ability to harm
• Both have the ability to hurt
• I find the right amount of pain given by both quite erotic
• Both allow greater adventure at night
• Both require my respect
• Both illuminate my world
• Both have the ability to shock me 
• I fear neither
• When I behave inappropriately with them, I get a quick correction
• I am able to live without both for short periods of time
• I want to live without neither

Okay, so you get the idea...I'm sure there are tons more.  

They both have the ability to hurt and harm, I have spent decades learning about both, Sir and electricity, in college and thereafter.   This knowledge has taught me a healthy amount of respect.  I respect them but don't fear them.  

Spanking Roller-Coaster

Frequently this is how a spanking effects me…

especially a long, luxurious, firm, endorphin releasing, life affirming spanking!

I’m tense

(thought I don’t always realize this until I get to step two when I notice....my muscles relaxing),

     I decompress with each strike,

          I’m notably calm,

               I’m palpably relaxed.

                    I begin to pant,

                         I begin to feel the excitement from the spanking,

                              I’m aroused

                                   I cum – quickly, but loudly,

I’m tense 

(muscles tense from cumming),

     I decompress with each strike,

          I’m notably calm,

               I’m palpably relaxed.

Oh how I 

love 

my spanking 

roller-coaster.  

Words of Basdom

I was introduced to Bas through his blog and comments left there...then subsequently comments he left on mine.  I love his blog.  He is honest and real and a caring HoH.  

Some of the comments to me that I especially appreciated are direct, to the point, honest and kind.  He is genuine and thoughtful.  Bas, I appreciate your contribution to my blog and my life.

Some comments by Bas which were especially meaningful are:
We men aren't very good in keeping things hidden. I'm glad women have direct nerve connections between bottom and voice, otherwise we never could find out about their deepest wishes.

(with regard to the blogging village)
I like living in this village. No judgemental neighbors.

...I have sent my little doggie to your site and she settled in real comfy.

But you are in Blogland.
Shameless does not exist here.
Here we use the 'good' interpretation of what is said.
I saw it as a just reminder that I had forgotten to do something really important.
The older I get, the more I need the reminders.
So, thank you for reminding me that I forgot something important.
If I may say one thing about your site: I do have trouble reading the text. Have to enlarge it to 150%.
My eyes are not doing what I tell them to do.
Hugs,
Bas
SO THIS COMMENT was really important.  He was one of the only people to tell me they were having trouble reading my blog.   Once I changed it, I had comments that it was so much more readable, but no one ever took the plunge to let me know.  I so appreciated his candor.  He also then e-mailed with me to get it just right.  I appreciate that support, as a newbie. 

Thank you Fiona, Yes, that's what we needed.
Long dark mornings are good for the communication!

It is indeed funny to think that non of your IRL friends know that you are actually a "mlb", named Fiona.
I'm glad to know that important part of your life.
I'm glad to be part of this caring family.

"You don't have to do this"???? Where did you get that idea? That doesn't sound like your dynamic. Pretty silly indeed.

See...just honest...calling me on my silliness, but kindly.

We are all needy. The only thing you could do when you lost that neediness, is becoming a nun. That's not how people are meant to function. So neediness is good but only when it doesn't incapacitate you. And it doesn't because you could still function in society without him. Whether you would like to function without him is quite something different.

A great account of a great experience. Fiona, I can feel your happiness flowing from my computer screen.

I have great commenters, I learn a lot from them.
Bodies should do as they are told. Not start doing things on their own.
We love it too.
Hugs,
Bas

Thank you Bas
For Your
Words 

of 

Basdom

Hugs,
fiona

P.S.
    Lisa, there really is NO understanding this blogging community.  It's insane that people who you've never met, know THESE things about you.  It's even more insane that they care about you.  We all care about you and Bas and appreciate your presence in our lives.


Would you like to join Spankful for Bas Day? Grab a logo and put up a post of your own! Then email or comment on Ana's blog to make sure she has the link for the main page.

No Kink

Oh, the loveliest of evenings and no kink involved.

We watched TV, fire blazing in the fireplace.
He sat at the end of the couch.
I curled up next to him, laying on my side.
My head was snuggled on his chest
while his hand ran through my hair.

I had a hand, laid under his shirt over his heart.
I love the feel of that strong heart beneath my hand.
I also love to run my fingers through the hair on his chest.
We snuggled, he rubbed, we touched.
He kissed the top of my head or my forehead.
I lay, wrapping as much of me around him,
just enjoying each other and our evening together.

Oh how I adore this man.
After all these years, I love him more every day.

Me, Me, Me, Meme

So Bas was kind enough to share this meme...they are fun to learn about our Blogland friends.  So...here you go...random things about ... ME.  If you feel so inspired, copy them and answer your own.  If you don't blog, please pick any/all and answer them in a comment!  It's great to share...REALLY!

1: Do you like to use post-it notes?

I love Post-it notes.  I use them for to-do lists, quick notes, items to get done.  When I am throwing a party, I've been known to have Post-it's for each dish to be prepared and as I cook or complete them, I recycle it.  I'll do the same with serving dishes before a big meal - think Thanksgiving or Easter type of thing...I'll set out the serving pieces and put Post-It's on for each item going into the dish.  My Sir has been known to make lists for me on them too - now THOSE Post-it's I LOVE!!

2: Do you take shampoos/conditioner bottles from hotels?

Sometimes.  Frequently, I'm traveling with younger folks so I'm more focused on trying to hunt and gather and wrangle.  But when they are nice shampoos (infrequent), I'll take them.  It's NOT steeling...it's there for us to use.
 

3: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

Um, yes?  OK, Yes, I have...I'm not proud, but there you have it.

4: Do you have freckles?

Yep, I have them on my face, but as I've aged, they've faded a bit.  I also have them as a birthmark.

5: Do you always smile for pictures?

Always.  I had to take a passport pic and they wanted me NOT to smile and it was nearly impossible.   

6: What's your biggest peeve?

Biggest, wow, that's tough.  I would say rudeness...maybe?  Parents not parenting their children is also close to the top of my list.

7: What's your favorite food?

Hmmmm, well I love ice-cream, I love Mexican EVERYTHING, I love seafood....

8: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

I watch a lot of movies over and over.  I love Sahara, The Princess Bride, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Sweet Home Alabama, Pretty Woman, Sabrina, Monty Python and the Holy Grail...Oh, eclectic tastes - huh?

9: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

I wrote Thank You notes for Christmas gifts in January....so about a month ago.

10: Favorite kind of sandwich?

Turkey and Swiss, for sure.  I also like a grilled PB&J :)

11: Best thing to eat for breakfast?

Belgium waffles with strawberries.  Yum!

12: What is your usual bedtime?

Between 12 and 1 typically.  And EVERY night I got to sleep and either exchange with Sir or mentally think...tomorrow, I'm going to bed earlier.

13: Do you sing in the shower?

Always!!  Best acoustics :)

14: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

Ya, no ... they're not asking.  Now for Sir, Yup...you bet. Been there, done that.

Valentine's HNT

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day

Ok, so I'm not naked, by half or by whole. 

I wish you all a very happy Valentine's day!

The Ritual I Missed

Sir Q and I have only a few "rituals."  One of them started very innocuously, not a request by him or something premeditated by me.  But all of a sudden, I'm doing this minor service every morning.  I don't notice it as being a "ritual" until I realize that if I don't do it and I really miss it.

Putting on 

His shoes

and socks 

in the morning.

Sir gets up and goes to work it is before I have a need to get up.  About six-eight months ago, I started getting up to put his socks and shoes on.  It's gotten to the place that when he opens his sock drawer, I wake up.  It's amazing.  The sound of the wood, sliding open, him removing his socks from the drawer...my response is Pavlovian.  I can be in a dead sleep and that act - not the alarm, not him getting out of bed, not the shower, not getting dressed...but opening his drawer, and I'm awake.  I pull back the covers, immediately, roll off of his side of the bed, sit cross-legged on the floor and take his socks.  I take one of his feet and set it on my knee.  I take the socks apart and put one sock on - touching his foot, rubbing it as I pull it up, caressing his calf as I smooth the top, I pull down his pant leg, then put on his shoe (most frequently black dress shoes), tie them, then set his foot back on the floor.  I then redo the same process with the other foot.  When I'm done, I stand up, get back in bed and he kisses me and tells me to have a good day.

It's not much, but it means a lot to me.  I never knew how much it meant until I was sick this week and he didn't wake me up and I didn't wake up.  I had the stomach flu and was really OUT of it.  So, he was doing me a kindness in letting me sleep.  I felt so sad about not doing this little thing.  I felt ... dissatisfied ... like something was missing (other than my food).  I really missed this small act.  Today I got up and put on his socks and shoes and it was so meaningful to me.  And as I type this, that seems so silly to say.  Putting on someones shoes - meaningful?  But really it was to ME.  All's is right in my world.

Satin and Steel

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways

I love the satin tip, so perfectly smooth, luxuriously soft

My struggle:  Do I rub, or suck or lick or fuck 

The length of his shaft, erect and tall

Veins giving perfect texture to my lips sweet journey down

The soft exterior enveloping a core of steel

So hard, so stiff, so miraculous in it’s balance

Soft and hard, smooth and textured

Sweet in its saltiness, engorged and then enlarging to spill

the warm, slick, seed, but it’s not a gentile river or stream

It’s a rush of warm cream, spilling, pooling, sliding, fulfilling

(cross posted on CockWorshipingSubs net)