So while I have always been a submissive at heart
oh, ohmygod, I just peed a little, I laughed so hard.
NOPE, I can't even pull that off.
Let's just call a spade a spade.
When Sir and I got together, I was SOOOOOO far from being submissive. I was BEYOND in control of all aspects of my life. We played with D/s during the first month of being sexually active together. We had plenty of vanilla love making, we also had kink. Oh, those were the days, we fucked like bunnies...actually, bunnies had NOTHING on us! Seriously! Oh, I digressed. Where was I?
When our roles solidified into D/s with him being Dominant and me being submissive, I was all in. Now that doesn't mean I became helpless or incapable or asked permission to think. It did mean that it spilled out of our scene, out of our bedroom, out of sex and into our life. But it wasn't real submission.
It was puppy submission, if you will.
It was submission with strings.
I will submit and please you IF you please me similarly.
I will pleasure you As Long As you pleasure me, too.
I will be happy to provide service With The Proviso That
you will acknowledge my service appropriately.
And when those conditions didn't happen, I felt like I was being cheated. I was being neglected. I kept a mental checks and balances in my head, kind of. Yes, looking back, I don't feel proud of my submission (or my behavior), but I can see it for what it was. It was my puppy submission.
I think that puppy submission is part of the reason I used to be so cheeky...intentionally wanting him to pay attention to me because I was paying attention to him. It was my way of keeping score and keeping my strings attached.
I also can see how my submission has grown and matured. I am finding myself submitting. (period) I want to submit and if I am able to serve, I am happy with my service. I am not keeping a tit-for-tat. Now, I also acknowledge that I am fortunate that my submission is returned with both acknowledgement and Dominance. But I work hard in finding satisfaction in my act of submitting and being content with my actions, PERIOD.
As with most things, I believe there is a submission continuum. I am not on either end of that continuum, but I'm moving from one side toward the other. I'm maturing and moving from puppy submission toward true submission.