Thursday, February 7, 2013

Real Submission

After waxing on about what real love looks like to me, I found an immediate tie to my thoughts and growth in submission.

So while I have always been a submissive at heart
Hahahahahaha ...
oh, ohmygod, I just peed a little, I laughed so hard.
NOPE, I can't even pull that off.
Let's just call a spade a spade.

When Sir and I got together, I was SOOOOOO far from being submissive.  I was BEYOND in control of all aspects of my life.   We played with D/s during the first month of being sexually active together.  We had plenty of vanilla love making, we also had kink.  Oh, those were the days, we fucked like bunnies...actually, bunnies had NOTHING on us!  Seriously!  Oh, I digressed.  Where was I?

I ALWAYS enjoyed loved reveled in and craved being sexually submissive to him, but never dreamed of being submissive in ANY other way.  When I started being submissive, as a switch..it was moments of submission that were scene dependent.  It was monetarily in it's application.  I didn't mind being Dominant in a scene with him, in part because I saw his pleasure.  I, however, NEVER fantasize about being dominant.

When our roles solidified into D/s with him being Dominant and me being submissive, I was all in.  Now that doesn't mean I became helpless or incapable or asked permission to think.  It did mean that it spilled out of our scene, out of our bedroom, out of sex and into our life.  But it wasn't real submission.

It was puppy submission, if you will.
    It was submission with strings.
         I will submit and please you IF you please me similarly.
                I will pleasure you As Long As you pleasure me, too.
                      I will be happy to provide service With The Proviso That
                      you will acknowledge my service appropriately.
                           
And when those conditions didn't happen, I felt like I was being cheated.  I was being neglected.  I kept a mental checks and balances in my head, kind of.  Yes, looking back, I don't feel proud of my submission (or my behavior), but I can see it for what it was.  It was my puppy submission.

I think that puppy submission is part of the reason I used to be so cheeky...intentionally wanting him to pay attention to me because I was paying attention to him.  It was my way of keeping score and keeping my strings attached.

I also can see how my submission has grown and matured.  I am finding myself submitting. (period)  I want to submit and if I am able to serve, I am happy with my service.  I am not keeping a tit-for-tat.  Now, I also acknowledge that I am fortunate that my submission is returned with both acknowledgement and Dominance.  But I work hard in finding satisfaction in my act of submitting and being content with my actions, PERIOD.

As with most things, I believe there is a submission continuum.  I am not on either end of that continuum, but I'm moving from one side toward the other.    I'm maturing and moving from puppy submission toward true submission.

16 comments:

  1. I wouldnt say im a naturally submissive person, but then i am a sceptic of the 'natural' or 'born' submissive but thats another subject.

    The bossman and i started off as Dom/sub rather than progressing into it in an established relationship which i thought would be easier, i thought it was a short cut.

    But nope it was still difficult for me (he is far more experienced than i) and i get what you mean by 'puppy' submission and it took a lot of time for me to actually realise that a part of submitting is acknowledging that its not always going to be in ways i like or want..and thats when it can be make or break or rather the realisation that its ok to reserve it for just the bedroom.

    But then thats the great thing about ttwd, there are no rules on how it should be, every couple finding the path that works for them.

    ok sorry im mumbling on lol

    x

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    1. Oh Tori...that's just it...it isn't always going to be the way I wanted it or the way it was in MY head. ttwd is something special because we make it so! We choose and work at our relationships to make them right for us.

      I love your mumbling...thank you, thank you!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  2. I like how you connected the love quote to your submission. It seems that they are completely intertwined at this moment for you, and the blog just wouldn't seem complete without this reflection as well.

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    1. Thanks cammie. It's kind of funny, as I was thinking about the first, my mind went to this one. As I was writing it seemed so logical for me and my experience.

      Thanks,
      fiona

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  3. it's all a progression -isn't it?

    a shifting of the needs perhaps -- from needing to have the same pleasure to needing to let him lead.

    very nice
    and very thoughtful post

    sfp

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    1. Oh, I hadn't thought of that...but I think that's so insightful. It is that shift of needs. Thanks for adding to my journey.

      ~fiona

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  4. Sweet and thoughtful post. What a lovely journey to make together.

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    Replies
    1. We are enjoying our journey, for sure!

      ~fiona

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  5. I think that like most things in life, submission and indeed dominance need to be worked at. As sfp says its a progression. Great post Fiona xx

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    1. I think all relationships take work and ttwd is no difference. I wonder if ttwd takes work and communication and connection and if that inherently makes our ttwd relationships more healthy, because we put the work into them.

      Thanks joolz!

      Hugs,
      fiona

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  6. Thank you fiona for describing your growth as a submissive.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. Thanks joey. It's interesting to be introspective and journaling at the same time...not something I have ever done (the journaling/blogging portion in addition to).

      hugs,
      fiona

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  7. Life, submission, realtionships are all journeys. thanks for giving us a look at your journey.
    hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for joining in my journey and adding to the growth!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  8. Good golly Ned, Fiona! You made me snort water on that first paragraph ;-p Growth is awesome...I can see it & I bet your Sir is proud :)

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    1. Hehehe, my sarcasm gets the best of me sometimes....sorry for making you snort water...thank goodness it wasn't soda. That BURNS! Growth is amazing. I am certainly proud, I hope he is too :)

      hugs,
      fiona

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Thank you very much for sharing your comments. This blogland world has become so much more meaningful because of the conversations that y'all have with me through comments...REALLY!

I appreciate them all and will endeavor to answer EVERY comment if at all possible!

THANK YOU
-fiona