Rituals, Renewed

We don't have many rituals or rules in our dynamic.

But the ones we do have, have developed over time and
are very much part of our life.

I really enjoy them and Sir does too.

I have missed them, very much.
I've not been doing any of them for almost three-four weeks now.

Though I have rebelled and refused to follow our rituals
for a day ... from rare time to time, I've been pretty consistent
(except for this odd extended period)
for the past...
oh, say six months...
no - it's longer than that
maybe eight or ten

-just a minute, let me ask Sir -


HOLY SHIT...

He thinks it's been the better part of a year.
Dayam!
You know, he's right.
Now that I think about it...there are a couple of rituals
that I have been doing for about a year!

There are others that kind of come and go
or that I don't really see as rituals...more as rules.

But there are two rituals, that I have been picking back up...
in my effort to put my life back together.

They feel good.
Doing them helps me feel like I am serving.
They help me feel like I'm doing what HE wants.
I'm being good
and I'm really happy with that.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
What are our rituals....you ask.
(or not, in which case, don't read anymore)

Well these two that I'm writing about
aren't earth shattering or public or particularly sexy.

First,
Each morning after Sir gets dressed,
he sits in a chair beside the bed.
I get out of bed and sit on the floor at his feet.
I look up at him and he hands me his socks.
I lift each foot and set it on my leg and
one at a time, put them on each foot.

Then one at a time, I put on his shoes on,
sit each foot on the floor,
and tie each shoelace.

I love doing that - I love sitting at his feet.
I may experiment with kissing each shoe
and see if he likes that.
(hmmm....I'll let you know how that goes)

Second,
When Sir is ready to sleep...actually sleep,
in whatever position he sleeps in...on his back or side,
I reach one hand down and
my hand cups his balls
and my thumb and forefinger reach up
and holds his cock.

As he slowly drifts to sleep each night,
I cradle him and it comforts him
....and me.

SMACK"please"

We get ready for bed and
I work on putting piles of clothes in the kids rooms

By the time I've brushed my teeth and peed
and put on a night shirt (sexy - huh),
I figure he'll be out.
He was exhausted earlier.

I finish and I hear him say,
"Go shut my door"
"locked or unlocked?" is my question.
"locked." he replies with kind of a chuckle.

I lock the door and walk back to the bed.
"get the hairbrush" he commands.

Dread...actual dread fills me.
I'm not feeling it all.
I'm trying and I'm committed, but
the hairbrush - really?
That just hurts.
I've not had any spanking and he's always so harsh with it.
and it HURTS - did I mention that?

Crap!  I am hoping to jump start my system.
What if that just turns me off completely.

So, I have all of this dialog flying through my head
as I voice none of it and walk over to the bathroom drawer
and retrieve his brush and walk back to the bed.

"lay down on the bed bedside me, head down."
he commanded as I handed him the hairbrush.

I laid down and buried my head in the sheets.
Oh, I didn't want him to spank me with THAT.

To my utter amazement, he started off so gently.
It didn't hurt!
It felt fine.
No, wait,
It felt better than fine.
Not great, but each stroke felt like a ... smack.
Not really stingy.
Not really thuddy.
More of a smack on my ass.

He was moving the brush around, covering each cheek.
He also seemed to alternate his intensity
between very light and moderate.

The moderate smacks elicited a moan into the sheets.

Oh, I'm actually not hating this!

He then changed and found one spot and began to assault that place.
Over and over and over, he would hit, still varying in intensity.
I could tell, though that heat was infusing that place.

His moderate smacks with the brush were pushing my tolerance
and my legs were moving and my hips...

I'm all of a sudden aware that my hips are moving...
almost pumping...they are rhythmically moving up and down.

He smacks a couple of hard smacks and then
rubs - ohmygod if it isn't velvet.
His hands caress and it feels like he's rubbing in the heat
rubbing in the love and the care and the smacks.

I know that sounds so counterintuitive,
but the rubbing is loving and sensual and I'm feeling so good.

He picks back up the brush and begins again.
This time, I'm moaning with each strike.
This time, I'm feeling the blood pumping through my body
the wetness between my legs
the wantoness rising inside of me.

Each strike and my hips are flexing
Each strike and I'm moaning
Each strike and I'm wanting more.

He stops.

Nothing.

No rubbing, no striking, nothing.

I'm not moaning, but my hips are still moving.
"Ask for it, fiona."

"please." I squeek out.

"Please what?"

oh, shit.  He's going to make me say it.
I am going to be good for a week....I need to be obedient.

"please spank me with the hairbrush."
"oh, good girl, fiona." he says almost taunting me.

I lift my hips, without thought, I lift my hips!
Oh, god I want this!

He smacks me, moderately hard and it hurts.
But I do want this, I want him to spank me.

nothing.
just the one smack.
then nothing.

raising my hips up higher, I quickly ask
"please sir, spank me with the brush"
SMACK
"please sir, spank me with the brush"
SMACK"please spank me" 
SMACK"please spank me" 
SMACK"please" 
SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" 
I'm screaming into the blankets - my hips are writhing - I needed this!
I would never have dreamt that I would be begging for that fuckingbrush!
But I am...I am begging...with everything I have...PLEASE!
SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" 
SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" SMACK"please" 

For One Week I Pledge

* * Newsflash * *
... I'm still just struggling.

I'm struggling to find my libido

I'm struggling to find my submission

I'm struggling to find...ME!

So, enough.

I'm pulling up my big girl panties and

gonna stop whining.

(at least for a minute)

I pledge...

For one week...

(let's see if this jump-starts...me!)

I will ....

Be Obedient

Be Respectful

Serve My Sir

   ...sexually

        and

      non-sexually

In return, I will be asking my Sir

for one week, 

Would you please ....

Require Obedience

Require Respect

Require that I serve you

   ...sexually

       and

      non-sexually

PLEASE.

Take no shit from me...

Expect me to step-up.

PLEASE

(do I sound like I'm begging?)

Let's see if we can jump start ... me!

Back

Yowsa,

Well, I've turned into an obstinate teenager.

Nope, not in looks or intellect...

but in attitude.


My Sir is trying diligently to bring me back on line.
To help me find my submission.
To help me find mine libido.

He is working on it. 

And as he works on it, I simply...
shoot myself in the foot.

I roll my eyes,
ignore him,
obstinately defy
outwardly rebel.

What the FUCK?

What is my problem?

I type and say that I want to find myself.
I want my submission back.
I want my libido to have a jump start.

And yet, I am not putting my money where my mouth is.

I know - it takes time.
But dayam, I want me back. 
I want my submission back
and I want to stop acting ... 
...well like I'm acting!

Attentively Cropped and Spanked

Sir was being a sweetheart and 

spent the evening having a wonderful family night.

I showed him an email from a friend that said,

"you need a nice long spanking from [Sir Q].

OTK with the hand gradually building up in intensity

with lots of rubbing."

He smiled that wonderful smile of his and it warmed me.

As bedtime approached, and kids were asleep,

we locked up the house and went up to bed.

I was tired and thought he was too.

Unexpectedly, he quietly told me

to get undressed and get over the bed.

I was nervous because I wasn't feeling it.  

I wasn't feeling "in the mood" for ... anything.

I remembered that I wanted to say yes to him...

I got undressed and walked over and lay over the side of the bed.

I listened to him rummaging around and putting things away.

Then I felt the caress of the crop.

I felt the soft touch of the tip as it rubbed around my bum.

The crop left me and returned with a *Sting*

Oh, it's only been about three weeks and seriously...

I know it wasn't hard, but it really stung!

He continued, and he was more attentive to my body than he typically is.

He noticed when my feet would kick up behind me

signaling that it was pushing my ability to absorb the strike.

He reduced the intensity or moved where it hit.

Resulting in building the warmth in a wide region.

He cropped my ass - thoroughly.

He moved to hit my thighs periodically as well.

He rubbed as my leg started kicking-up again.

Oh, his rub, after he has cropped or spanked me feels so...

comforting,

connecting,

grounding,

loving!

He flipped me over on the bed and spread my legs.

He let the crop tip trail over my body.

It trailed over my belly, 

over my pussy, 

up my sides,

over my nipples and back down.

He cropped my pussy and when I attempted to close my legs, 

firm hands pushed them back into position.

No censure, just calm reassurance that this wasn't an option.

He cropped my nipples and toyed with them.

They hardened quickly to sensitive tight nubs.

He flipped me back over and returned 

with his hands this time, to my ass.

His rubbing turned to squeezing and grabbing.

Abruptly.

He walked over to the wing-chair beside the bed.

He sat down and told me to come over and lay across his knee.

It took me several seconds to comply as I felt a flutter of butterflies 

and needed a minute to catch my breath.

I stood, naked and flushed and walked over to his waiting lap.

His arms outstretched, loving and possessing at the same time,

He eased me over his lap and held me close.

I loved feeling him, loved him holding me tight,

loved the return of his hand to my skin.

He spanked, not as hard as he can, but not light taps either.

He was pushing me, stretching my now limited tolerance.

Unlike he has done frequently in the past, he stopped abruptly

and let his fingers delve down into the folds.

He dipped inside and plunged into my pussy.

"Oh, you are wet.  What a good girl you are, fiona."

That made the butterflies flutter a bit again 

and my breath caught.

He pulled out and continued spanking.

I was gratified that my body was responding.

I was thrilled that he was pushing me.

I was thrilled that we were connected!

The rest of the evening is kid of a blur.

There was sex.

There was an orgasm for him which made him scream.

HE screamed.

He NEVER does that!  

It was wonderful to watch him come apart,

and to know that I helped that happen.

There was also an orgasm for me...

which took a lot of time to get to...

but that he didn't give up on!

Dear lord, I do LOVE my Sir!

Letting Go, Being His

So, this morning, after Sir's alarm went off,
we snuggled close in bed.

I put my mouth up to his ear and
in the safety of his arms
and the dark of early morning,
I confessed,
"You know I'm a use it of loose it kinda girl.
I haven't used it in so long, it's lost.
But not normal lost.
It's lost, like I'm worried it can't be found.
I just simply don't feel ... anything.
I feel like I could go to a convent,
and not bring a vibrator,
and NOT miss it.
I'm worried."

"Remember, I said, you've been there before.
I'll pull you back.
It just takes time.
You needed time to focus on grieving.
You needed time to just be.
I'll bring you back.
It will be ok."

He said all the right words,
but I was still scared that he wasn't right.

What if.....
.....he got sick of trying
.....I got to discouraged to try any more
.....he got sick of waiting on me
.....I gave up before we broke through
.....he got so pent up he couldn't take it any more
.....my libido was well and truly broken
.....he lost his desire for D/s
.....I lost my desire for D/s
.....he lost his desire for me
.....I couldn't find my way back

Dayam, can I over-think things or what?

It was time for him to get up and typically I rest for another 20 minutes
before it's time to get the kids going.

I sat beside the bed as he got up,
feeling sad.

He stood and hugged me.
But then, his hand moved and positioned my head
He pulled it up and over
so that my mouth
plunged onto his cock.

He was hard and smooth and warm.
I sucked on him and he pumped into my mouth.

I liked him using my mouth.
I didn't get wet, like I used to.
But I liked it!

I sucked and he pumped and it was lovely.
Then he pulled away and pulled me up.
He put his mouth next to my ear and said,
"Get a towel and come into the bathroom.
I need to pee and I'm peeing on your chest today.
I want you naked kneeling in the shower.

I got a towel and came into the shower and locked the door.
He came up and hugged me.
He took my shirt and removed it.
I was naked.
He rubbed my back.
He reached around and cupped my breasts and pinched my nipples.

He continued pinching and twisting and pulling
and again put his mouth next to my ear.


"You are mine.  You are my property.  You belong to me.

I love you and you will find your way back.

But I'm going to use you, use what's mine.
I'm going to begin to spank you and crop you and flog you.
You may not feel anything sexually, but I want to do it.
I'm not doing it for your enjoyment, I'm doing it because I want to.
Do you understand, little girl?"

Oh wow.
That's just the stuff you read in erotic novels or amazing OTHER PEOPLE's blogs.
That's not my Sir, that's not us, that's not real!
But it was.  He said everything...he made my stomach flutter.
Not butterflies migrating, but a quick flutter.
I haven't felt that in weeks.

He kissed me and told me to get in the shower.
I turned and stopped thinking and got in the shower.

It felt warm and comforting and anticipation was actually budding.
Sir stepped into the shower and he pulled me to him.
I loved hugging him.  I love feeling him.
He put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed.

I went down on my knees.
He took my hand and held it to his cock.
I held it and he began to pee.
He peed on my chest and I appreciated his marking, his claiming.

When he was done, I put my lips to his hard cock.
I sucked.
I sucked because I knew he would enjoy it.
I sucked because I liked the feel of his cock in my mouth.
I sucked because I knew he was probably getting ... oh (what's worse than blue balls?)
I sucked because I needed this.

He reached down and grabbed my head and thrust it deep onto his cock,
just as his first pulses of cum jetted out.
I coughed and opened my mouth, but he didn't allow me to come off of it.
I quickly regained my composure and went back to sucking.
He came, long and hard in my mouth.
I didn't swallow, it seemed like forever since I'd had his cum in my mouth.

When he had finished, he gently told me to get up.
Instead, I simply, pulled myself closer to him and suckled.
That's the best explanation for it.
I was content, right there, on my knees, suckling on his cock.

I need to try to let go.
I need to stop resisting.
I need to stop over-thinking.
I need to let him help me.
I need to give in to my need for him.

Meme....all vanilla

A Meme I have seen around blogland and am shamelessly steeling =)

The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
The love of my life....my Sir.  Yes, I always love talking to him and still smile when I hear his voice.

When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
I always return my cart...though I rarely need to.

In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Depends on the setting.  I typically am a talker, but there are times where I can be more a spectator or listener. 

Do you take compliments well?
Sadly, that is something I completely suck at.  I am very self deprecating.  I am fabulous at 

Are you an active person?
Against my better judgement and natural tendencies...yes.  I am currently working on being more fit.

If abandoned alone in the wilderness, do you survive?
Yes...but I wouldn't be happy about the bugs =)

Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yes, I went camping...but not to "summer camp"

What was your favorite game as a kid?
Kick the Can at home.  Loved that game.  Oh, ya, tether-ball at school!

A sexy person is pursuing you, but you know that he/she is married, would you?
Well, as I'm blissfully married, I'm not - regardless of marital status of the other.

Are you judgmental?
I work hard on not being, though sadly I fall short too frequently.  
It is something I work very hard on, though.

Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Be pursued, but with Sir, I shamelessly pursued!

Use three words to describe yourself.
Creative-problem-solver, Capable, Logical

If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
I would choose deaf, in a heartbeat.

Are you continuing your education?
Yes...absolutely!

Do you know how to shoot a gun?
No.

How often do you read books?
Frequently now.

Do you think more about the past, present or future?
I know extensively about the present.  

What is your favorite children's book?
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Where is your ideal house located?
I'm living in it.

Boxers, briefs, thongs, panties or grannies?
Panties...sometimes thongs - G-String more like 
(I know, not a great image...see - there's my self-depricating humor)

Last person you talked to?
My Sir.

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yes...not that long ago...with my kids.

What are your keys on your keychain for?
House, Car, Work.

Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
A kid's school.

Where is your current pain?
Everywhere...hard work out today.

Do you like mustard?
Yes...Coleman's is the best!!!

Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep.  I am regularly sleep deprived so sleep is kinda dreamy =)

Do you look like your mom or dad?
My mom.

How long does it take you in the shower?
Depends on the day.  I love long showers but frequently don't have time for one.

What movie do you want to see right now?
Heat...just out on DVD.

What did you do for New Year's?
Went to a party.

What was the cause of your last accident?
Personal...walking down the stairs.  Last car accident was caused by car, ice and lack of stopping.

Nothing

Here's hoping.

Sir walked up behind me.
He put his arms around me and hugged me.
I laid my head back against his chest.

His hands began to wander.
They lifted my shirt and rubbed my stomach.

His hands rubbed higher.
He deftly...no, I can't say that
He awkwardly took off my bra
And began to play with my breasts

My nipple were erect and he
Twisted and turned and tugged.

I tried.
I always adore nipple play
It's the BEST.
I turned my head to the side
Keeping it against his chest
And cried.

I am just turned off.
I felt him playing and felt nothing.
Nothing erotic
Nothing exciting
No physical response.

I cried.

How do I find the on-switch?
How do I feel?

I have laughed.
I have smiled.

Why can't I feel?

My poor Sir has been so supportive and patient. He deserves attention. He deserves his Fiona. But I'm turned off. I feel no submissive desires, no sexual desires, nothing.

Cock in Hand Long Last

I touched my Sir's cock tonight for the first time in two weeks.  

How absolutely bizarre.

It felt so unusual.

Sir even commented,
that is the longest I have gone without touching him in 20 years.

It felt...risque.

He felt soft.
His head felt so bulbous.
So silky.
So large in my hand as I rubbed up and down.

He was hard.
He was so hard in my hand.

I loved touching and feeling him.

But as much as I loved touching him,
it was just a novelty.

I felt no surge of need.
No desire to go further.
No salivation, wanting or needing it in my mouth.
No wetness between my legs.

But I was happy to have it in my hand.

Blog-a-versary

Today is my 176th post

AND

One Year Blog-a-versary!

Never in my life have I ever come close to keeping a journal for even a few months.
I am amazed and mystified at blogland and what I have found here.

I have found friendship.  True friendship.

I have found sisters and brothers among you who I consider closer than my closest vanilla friends.

I have found support and kindness.

I have found some heartbreak with blog-friendships gone awry.

I have found release and freedom from being able to share a side of me that I've not been able to before.




I have not been around blog land for the past couple of weeks.
I have had a great deal of change in my personal life and found great sadness and loss.
(Sir Q and I are doing just fine as are our progeny)

I am currently feeling quite broken.
I hope to heal and to be back shortly.
I just need time to be sad and to morn.

My thanks to all of you who read.
My abundant appreciation to those who have commented over the past year.
My love to my friends here in blogland.