Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Back

Yowsa,

Well, I've turned into an obstinate teenager.

Nope, not in looks or intellect...

but in attitude.


My Sir is trying diligently to bring me back on line.
To help me find my submission.
To help me find mine libido.

He is working on it. 

And as he works on it, I simply...
shoot myself in the foot.

I roll my eyes,
ignore him,
obstinately defy
outwardly rebel.

What the FUCK?

What is my problem?

I type and say that I want to find myself.
I want my submission back.
I want my libido to have a jump start.

And yet, I am not putting my money where my mouth is.

I know - it takes time.
But dayam, I want me back. 
I want my submission back
and I want to stop acting ... 
...well like I'm acting!

24 comments:

  1. Feeling the same thing over here! At least you have Sir that is willing and able to bring you back. I am trying to figure out how to do it on my own. Things will surely turn around for both of us eventually. It always does...... doesn't it??? LOL

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    Replies
    1. Oh SW, I am sorry you don't have someone to be by your side during the journey, but you can do it! One step at a time is so accurate, though I find it frustratingly slow. I work well with seeing incremental change and progress. Can you find a goal and achieve it?

      Good luck,

      hugs,
      fiona

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  2. Sounds like you are on the verge of being where you want to be. Don't we all "fught" it in the beginning. The fact He gave you time to mourn and now you are being a 'bratty' sub definitely shows you are just about where you want to be. Time and trust in Him. It will happen before you know it. hugs.

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    1. You know, HS, I don't know if I had ever thought of it that way. I really appreciate your comment. I do hate the thought of being a bratty sub, but I suppose that could be one way to call it. I am absolutely trusting of him, I just need to be willing to give it the time needed. I appreciate your support, HS.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  3. Attitudes are temporary things, what lies beneath is what counts.
    It may feel like you're stepping backwards, but imagine you are on an escalator going up and your feet are slipping back down, eventually you'll get to the top. It's going to feel like hard work though.
    Big hugs
    DF

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    Replies
    1. It does feel like hard work DF...and that perception is difficult to fix. I hope to hell that escalator gets moving, though!!!!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  4. Sounds to me that you are closer than you think. Could it be that you are...not so subtly...prodding Him?
    hugs abby

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    1. I hope so abby. Maybe I am prodding him. You know, until I read comments here, that never even occurred to me. If I had realized that, I simply would have asked for what I needed. I just don't think it occurred to me that I needed that. Thanks for your comment!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  5. Fiona,

    You will be back to the person you want to be. One day at a time with the full support of the blogger community at your back nudging you forward.

    Big Hugs,
    joey

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    Replies
    1. Thank joey. I do absolutely find the support of the blogger community invaluable! I am such a lucky blogger! Thank you for YOUR support, dear friend!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  6. F - This is just a guess, but I'm thinking we are similar in age. For me, it's hormones. Or more specifically, a drastic reduction thereof. I'm peri-menopausal mid 40's. My libido sometimes has to be dragged along kicking and screaming...I'm temperamental and willful - NOT a good combo for an active sub. I've been taking Evening Primrose Oil to lessen some of my symptoms and it seems to be helping. ((Fiona))

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, I hit menopause full on a while ago...because I wasn't age appropriate, I've had some replacement help on the hormone front. I do know that hormones can mess with libido, but I also know mine was kind of an instant off sort of thing with the losses in my life. I hope that the hormones are aggravating the re-discovery of my libido. I appreciate your suggestion of the Primrose Oil...I will take a look!

      hugs,
      fiona

      Oh, and yes, Mickey - we're about the same age :)

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  7. When you least expect it ... BAM! There it will be!!!!!

    ((((hugs))))
    gk

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    Replies
    1. Oh gk...from your comment to the universe's ears!!! I hope so!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  8. Wow. I haven't even given mine fully yet so to read this is interesting. Do you remember when you thought once you found the love of your life (and found the roles you were meant to live out) everyone lived Happily Ever After??? WTF??

    You will come back to it, I have no doubt. In Pema Chodron's words, 'be kind to yourself' in the meantime…

    Love you,
    Natasha

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    1. Oh Natasha...you are so right. What the hell happened to that happily ever after! UGH. I struggle with being kind or patient with myself. I have high expectations for me! I appreciate your support.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  9. Maybe, and please feel free to tell me thats not how your relationship works..i dont mind lol

    What you need is for him to step up, to simply not allow you to behave this way and deal with it whether you want it or not at the time....so instead of waiting patiently for it to come back, its effectively made to.

    I really dont know if that made sense at all lol

    x

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    1. You know, tori, before the comments to this post, I would not have thought I was needing or asking in a backwards way for him to demand. But you know, maybe I am. I don't know. I appreciate you making me think...I really appreciate you putting it out there. I think...you may be right.

      hugs,
      fiona

      oh ya, and you made perfect sense =)

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  10. Wow, sounds like these thoughts could have been pulled from my brain! When ya figure it out, let me know. ;)

    I love your way with words.

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    1. Thanks Kenzie, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this. I hope I can find my way back...NOW. I'm ready. Just not there.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  11. wowsa...you've written two? three? powerful posts. You're opening to him. I can see it in those last few tales...the lust and love come pouring forth, like his piss onto your chest...and that makes you feel...

    I dunno.

    I'm reading "threatened" (ergo the teenage response?). I'm not a shrink and don't play one on tv...but I'd guess

    knowing what I do how he loves you

    knowing what I do about this lifestyle

    that he won't put up with too much of the bullshit...but will understand that you are still processing and healing.

    It's a long walk, my dear friend, but you're putting miles behind you. And HE is behind you every step of the way.

    Love,

    nilla

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    1. Oh nilla. Thank you so much for ....

      both your support and encouragement
      and
      calling me on the bullshit!

      I appreciate your friendship, nilla
      and hope that the miles add up quickly

      and maybe that instead of being behind me...
      soon he'll be ahead of me!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  12. I'm starting to feel the same thing as this, however psychologically, i'm stimulated and i have my dirty thoughts. I feel like submitting. Like SW says, you're lucky you have your Sir to help you through this journey for you as you find your libido and your submission again.
    hopefully i'll learn something from you..and maybe get something out of it.
    I see that you're definitely getting there. In the past 2-3 posts, you've gone from feeling nothing to feeling something, and really wanting to change. I'm rooting for you

    best wishes
    ash

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    1. Thanks ash. I really appreciate your rooting! Seriously helps! The support from the blogger community is amazing. It's slowly but surely. I am extraordinarily lucky I have Sir. He is a godsend. But it's time and I'm impatient. I will get there, thought. I have to!

      hugs,
      fiona

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Thank you very much for sharing your comments. This blogland world has become so much more meaningful because of the conversations that y'all have with me through comments...REALLY!

I appreciate them all and will endeavor to answer EVERY comment if at all possible!

THANK YOU
-fiona