Saturday, October 19, 2013

Letting Go, Being His

So, this morning, after Sir's alarm went off,
we snuggled close in bed.

I put my mouth up to his ear and
in the safety of his arms
and the dark of early morning,
I confessed,
"You know I'm a use it of loose it kinda girl.
I haven't used it in so long, it's lost.
But not normal lost.
It's lost, like I'm worried it can't be found.
I just simply don't feel ... anything.
I feel like I could go to a convent,
and not bring a vibrator,
and NOT miss it.
I'm worried."

"Remember, I said, you've been there before.
I'll pull you back.
It just takes time.
You needed time to focus on grieving.
You needed time to just be.
I'll bring you back.
It will be ok."

He said all the right words,
but I was still scared that he wasn't right.

What if.....
.....he got sick of trying
.....I got to discouraged to try any more
.....he got sick of waiting on me
.....I gave up before we broke through
.....he got so pent up he couldn't take it any more libido was well and truly broken
.....he lost his desire for D/s
.....I lost my desire for D/s
.....he lost his desire for me
.....I couldn't find my way back

Dayam, can I over-think things or what?

It was time for him to get up and typically I rest for another 20 minutes
before it's time to get the kids going.

I sat beside the bed as he got up,
feeling sad.

He stood and hugged me.
But then, his hand moved and positioned my head
He pulled it up and over
so that my mouth
plunged onto his cock.

He was hard and smooth and warm.
I sucked on him and he pumped into my mouth.

I liked him using my mouth.
I didn't get wet, like I used to.
But I liked it!

I sucked and he pumped and it was lovely.
Then he pulled away and pulled me up.
He put his mouth next to my ear and said,
"Get a towel and come into the bathroom.
I need to pee and I'm peeing on your chest today.
I want you naked kneeling in the shower.

I got a towel and came into the shower and locked the door.
He came up and hugged me.
He took my shirt and removed it.
I was naked.
He rubbed my back.
He reached around and cupped my breasts and pinched my nipples.

He continued pinching and twisting and pulling
and again put his mouth next to my ear.

"You are mine.  You are my property.  You belong to me.

I love you and you will find your way back.

But I'm going to use you, use what's mine.
I'm going to begin to spank you and crop you and flog you.
You may not feel anything sexually, but I want to do it.
I'm not doing it for your enjoyment, I'm doing it because I want to.
Do you understand, little girl?"

Oh wow.
That's just the stuff you read in erotic novels or amazing OTHER PEOPLE's blogs.
That's not my Sir, that's not us, that's not real!
But it was.  He said everything...he made my stomach flutter.
Not butterflies migrating, but a quick flutter.
I haven't felt that in weeks.

He kissed me and told me to get in the shower.
I turned and stopped thinking and got in the shower.

It felt warm and comforting and anticipation was actually budding.
Sir stepped into the shower and he pulled me to him.
I loved hugging him.  I love feeling him.
He put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed.

I went down on my knees.
He took my hand and held it to his cock.
I held it and he began to pee.
He peed on my chest and I appreciated his marking, his claiming.

When he was done, I put my lips to his hard cock.
I sucked.
I sucked because I knew he would enjoy it.
I sucked because I liked the feel of his cock in my mouth.
I sucked because I knew he was probably getting ... oh (what's worse than blue balls?)
I sucked because I needed this.

He reached down and grabbed my head and thrust it deep onto his cock,
just as his first pulses of cum jetted out.
I coughed and opened my mouth, but he didn't allow me to come off of it.
I quickly regained my composure and went back to sucking.
He came, long and hard in my mouth.
I didn't swallow, it seemed like forever since I'd had his cum in my mouth.

When he had finished, he gently told me to get up.
Instead, I simply, pulled myself closer to him and suckled.
That's the best explanation for it.
I was content, right there, on my knees, suckling on his cock.

I need to try to let go.
I need to stop resisting.
I need to stop over-thinking.
I need to let him help me.
I need to give in to my need for him.


  1. fiona,

    Sir Q is awesome. Wow. What a hot time in the bedroom and shower. He will bring you back.

    And I hope you answer YES to all of your questions.

    I am thrilled you are moving in the right direction.


    1. I know he is working on bringing me back...I also know I'm my own worse enemy.


  2. Yup ... just let Him take care of you. (and He is right, you WILL find your way back) .


    1. I hope so, GK. I try to let him, but also get in my own way frequently.


  3. You are on your back, sweetie. Sir Q knows you inside and out, you will get there together.

    You are on your back sweetie, Sir Q knows you inside and out. And just so you know you are not alone.....all those what ifs you listed I ask myself those every day....i, t has bee almost 2 months since any real play here. I ask myself,, how patient can one man be.....and yes, i do feel like "she" has gone give me hope.
    hugs abby

    1. He does, abby. He knows me well. I hope to come back, but I know it's a long and windy road...I know you know it well!


  4. fiona....truating in Him is bringing you back. Slowly, your body and mind will connect. Just continue following His lead. The fact that you took the initiative to suck Him and then suckle Him is proof you are on your way back. Like everything else in this lifestyle- give it time.

    1. I so want it all to connect, HS. I need to follow, I need to let go, I need to choose. But it's kind of rough.


  5. I need to try to let go.
    I need to stop resisting.
    I need to stop over-thinking.
    I need to let him help me.
    I need to give in to my need for him.

    I'm not sure I can voice how much I love the last lines of your post, Fiona. They are words I think we all say to ourself at one time or another in regards to our submission. *hug*

    1. Thanks Mickey. It's just where I'm at. I need all those things, I just have such a hard time letting it all happen and not getting in my own way.


  6. We've had times and scripts that sound so very much like this. I'm glad you are finding your way back. I think (in my more optimistic moments) that the disconnects get easier, shorter, and less terrifying over time. I hope you are feeling much more secure soon.

    1. I hope so greengirl. I really hope.


  7. That was beautiful. I feel like I'm going to cry now. Sometimes we just need to give to them, to be used, to find our purpose again?

    1. Thanks ksst. You are so right, sometimes we need that. I just have to let it happen.


  8. He will help you back... I am again sorry for what you are currently going through in life. You've had this once so you can have it again. Trust and patience maybe. Lots of love :)

    1. Thanks dag. I appreciate the support.


  9. This was just beautiful to read.



Thank you very much for sharing your comments. This blogland world has become so much more meaningful because of the conversations that y'all have with me through comments...REALLY!

I appreciate them all and will endeavor to answer EVERY comment if at all possible!