Goodbye Switch

Sir and I went through
our night stands and toy box yesterday.

Oh the things we found…

The salad tongs that we stole on our honeymoon
that he used to spank me with…

old playboys and penthouses

wicked nipple clamps…WICKED

Old vibrators…dildos…plugs

rope…handcuffs…restraints…

and then there were the things
we used when we would switch…

when I would top and he would bottom.

They have been relegated to the bottom of the toy box.

But when we went through the toy box,
got rid of what was broken,
got rid of what was damaged…
Sir wanted to get rid of that too.

I all but begged him not to.
I told him it was fine to keep…
what if he wants it…later?
what if he needs it…later?
what if he changes his mind?
I want to be what he needs,
what he wants.

Sir grabbed my neck,
looked into my eyes,
and told me.

"fiona, that's in my past.
There are times for everything.
That time has come and gone.

I don't want that anymore.
I want you.
I want us.
Do you understand, little girl?"

And with a squeeze of my neck,
I melted…
and threw away the things.

Trust, Submission, Communication, Fears

Ya, I know…lame title.
This post goes on and on…sorry for the rambling.



Trust. 

I've truly trusted Sir for so many years
that I can't remember when I didn't trust him. 

But there's always levels of trust isn't there? 

I trust him implicitly…but here's the thing…something changed today.

So this morning as we were laying in bed - talking 
in our snugly, warm, intertwined space.

Sir saying "maybe you should," do XYZ. 

I said, "yes sir." and I quietly added 
"you know you don't have to ask 
you can just tell." 

But then I felt this inkling 
of one topping from the bottom 
and that didn't settle well with me.

So then I continued on 
"I hope you don't mind me saying that. 
It's just that sometimes 
I think you forget 
that it's submitting 
that really turns me on. 
It's you dominating 
that really turns me on. 
I want to submit. 
It feeds me 
and fills me.
It settles me 
it calms me 
it nourishes me 
it excites me."
   
He quickly replied,
"You know sometimes we 
remind each other of things.
I remind you of the submissive 
you want to be 
of the submissive you need to be. 
And sometimes you, my love, 
remind me of the dominant that I am."

(and right there…I melted)

We continued to talked about submission. 
We got around to yesterday, 
when he commanded me to masturbate and cum. He asked me about what I fantasize about. 

I told him my fantasy, but that's another post. 
but in short...
The fantasy included more than one person. 

I continued on to clarify that 
I don't fantasize about other people - in the bubble. 

"You know I love the thought of it, 
not because I just want to be with other people, 
but because I want you command me to do it.
I do fantasize about being used 
about being objectified, 
but I fantasize about it in conjunction with my submission. 
I want to submit to you. 
I want to do … whatever…ONLY if it pleases you! 
If it doesn't please you, it's not something I would fantasize about." 
(sometimes I feel like I don't explain things really well)

This is really an important clarification to me 
because we talk a lot in our relationship about 
fantasies involving other people -
never specific people -
just others 
and it's important to me that he understands 
that I don't fantasize about fucking other people randomly 

I fantasize about him commanding me 
to please someone else, him watching me 
I fantasize about him allowing others to use me,
Him making me. 

It's that control 
it's that submission 
it's that dominance that's at the core of my fantasies. 

Now I've known that for a little bit 
but verbalizing it was such a different act 
a more meaningful act 
(maybe it was scary.)

He latches on to the submission that I was talking about.
and he says…something that he regularly says…
"You know fiona,
you can't be too submissive."

I hear him, I hear his words 
but my brain doesn't really comprehend or trust that
because I've been large-and-in-charge for so long 
and I'm sassy and full of...let's just say…spirit 
(that would be a nice word)

right so I'm full of spirit 
and I know he loves that,
but this is where it got really intimate 
and really honest and really raw. 

"You know I say this all the time 
but it scares me.
It scares me that you're going to change 
and not want this anymore. 
It scares me that I'm going to give all of me 
at some point you'll be done dominating me."  

You know we were 
for all practical purposes, 
switches for over two decades. 
DECADES. 

I have this deep seeded fear 
that if I truly give all of me 
to my deep-seeded need to submit, 
that I'll be lost if he changes his mind. 

We are in the midst Of huge life changes right now. 
Ohholyhell, the stress of life changes! 
It was the super-storm-of-life-changes last time 
that brought about our cemented D/s roles that we're in now. 
So what if we come out the other side of this 
and we're changed again 

but instead of it being for the better 
it's for the worse? 

If I'm All in,
if I am giving myself completely 
submitting completely,
how can I recover from that? 

That's the scary for part of this place 
that's what worries me, 
that's what my nightmares are made of! 

okay, we'll maybe that's a little melodramatic,

but it does really scare me. 

But my Sir was up to the challenge 
He held me close and he said all the right things.

He said that he'll never be done.  
That this … him Dominating me,
will not end.
That Dominating me turns him on,
that me submitting,
me being a good girl,
a good submissive girl,
turns him on.
That He wants this.
That He's grown into this,
that He's embraced his inner Dom
and he wants more.
He explained what he sees for our future,
how he wants us both to grow.

I was inspired,
I was in awe
wonder
love…not just love...
desperate love!

We hug and kiss and touch
and then he 
controlled
and commanded
and Dominated!

Lunch

My afternoon was…

so many things.

For me, in a word, it was renewing.

I laughed,
I thought,
I listened,
I talked
(I did not boss too much - yea!)
I was entertained,
I was inspired,
I was intrigued,
I was embarrassed,
I was comfortable,
I was content.

I started out with hugs for sofia and her Sir
then met sofia's Sir's family
and their beautiful, darling, amazing new members of the human race.

Oh…they are very, very cute!

those little grunts and stretches
those ridiculously itty-bitty fingers
and a mama who is beaming, deservedly so.

Then…

We went to lunch, sofia, sofia's Sir, and me.
sofia rode with me and we followed her Sir.
I paid absolutely no attention to where I was going,
it was nice to just follow… ;)

We sat at a booth and talked for…
a looooong time.

I had planned on a couple of hours and
it snuck into three hours…
and I could have stayed and talked for much longer.

We told stories,
shared histories,
and solved the worlds problems.

sofia's Sir did tell me about her birthday…
and it starting with her spanking.
sofia turned fire-engine-red and she covered her face.

We also delved into the topic of a dungeon
in a town that we have all been to (the town not the dungeon,
only her Sir had been to the dungeon).

I loved that we could delve into kink and vanilla alternately
with no awkwardness.
What a gift!

What was most wonderful was to see how her Sir
talked about her.
At one point sofia went to the bathroom and
he waxed poetic about what she does and who she is.
He was very clearly proud of her.
It was so … really inspiring.

Three hours was fabulous and about 18 hours too short!

After I got home…I texted sofia…
"why didn't we take a picture???"

UGH - sorry :(

sofia is comfortable, supportive, content, easy
(no…not THAT easy) easy to get along with and be around.

Thanks again for lunch sofia (and your Sir),
and thanks for your friendship!

sofia

Happiness is …

knowing I get to have lunch with 

….

sofia 
(in loving submission)

…

tomorrow!!!!

Can't wait!

-----------------------------------------------------
She asked if we were blogging it…
and I said I didn't care, 
but that I get into trouble (at least last time)
for being…
(or coming across as…because of course I'm not really)
too bossy.

I've promised to be on my best behavior.

Wish me luck =)

Air

Oh, those embarrassing aftereffects

of anal sex…
or a good anal dildo fucking is

insertion of air into the system….

Newton said that 
what goes up must come down…

well…what goes in must come out.

Sometimes there are some 
oh so not-sexy parts of this whole sex thing.

I am so grateful that 
Sir is NEVER shocked 
or grossed-out
about ANYTHING.  

He's just a body realist.
He's always been that way.

When I had my period 
(thankyougod I don't have to deal with that anymore),
blood was just not that big of a deal.
When I would inadvertently pass gas
while being fucked in the ass - no biggie.
If I gag when he fucks my mouth,
he pats my cheek and tells me I'm a good girl.
When I would squirt juices all over the place,
He'd smile and show me his hand.

It's all normal and part of our bodies.
I work on my mortification…he helps.
I have a ways to go.

Subspace

So I had a funny conversation 
with Sir the other day after my experience
of him sending me flying and yanking me back.

"I wanted to talk to you about something."
"OK"

"Well, you know"
*blushing*
"um, subspace isn't"
*blushing some more*
"well, um, it's is not a
mental place where I am 
feeling particularly submissive"

silence.

"It's, um…more of…
well it's more of a place of…
no, it's a place that I've gotten to where
I feel like I'm having an out of body experience,
where I'm floating away.

It's when you've spanked and spanked me
and I'm tense or moaning or reacting a lot and 
then all of a sudden I'm quiet and completely relaxed.
For me, it's that moment when I transition, that 
I no longer feel the pain, it's only pleasure and 
it's like I'm watching myself experience the moment.
I don't know."

"Well, then, I'll have to make sure you 
stay out of that space, won't we?!"

WHAT?  NOOOOO!  

"Sir?  But I love it.  It's such an amazing experience."

"Yes, but I want you to feel all of it.
I want you in the moment…not beyond it.
I want you to respond every time. 


We'll see."

OK, I don't think this conversation
went the way I was expecting it to,
but I am grateful that we are clearer 
on definition…as clear as I can be when
I can't explain it very well.

Filled To Overflowing

Holy Cow!  
I don't even know where to start.

Last night I was filled to overflowing,
literally and figuratively!

Ohmygawd.

OK. 

Ok…let me rewind.

Sir has been really …

Dominant

With a capital D.

I am beyond grateful.  
I desperately need …
YES - N.E.E.D. that!!!!

So yesterday he was clear about his expectations.
Sadly, after parenting
and household chores
and my homework
we were getting to bed later than we had wanted.

I was exhausted and Sir was tired,
so I thought we may forgo any type of activity.

Um…I guess not.

As soon as we were in the room,
he walked stalked up to me
and stripped me.
(I love him taking my clothes off!)

He roughly turned me around and
bent me over the bed.

He walked away and pulled out our toy box.

He took out a loop of rope and 
bound my wrists together and 
tied it to the other side of the bed.

The act of tying me up is 
so erotic to me.

The letting go, 
mentally, physically.
It's immediate and complete.

After feathered to the bed,
he returned behind me and
began to spank
with his hand
just a few
hard
hits.

Then he switched to the cane.
He started slowly and seemed to
hit 20 strikes, then a hard one.

He struck my ass…all over.
My foot popped up at one point,
after a particularly hard strike,
(you've done that, right??)
Well…that resulted in my foot
being struck rather harshly
with the cane and a 
strict reprimand to stay in position.

I have to say, having him hit my feet…
hurt.
was a great reprimand.
worked.

So…things get fuzzy.

Sir was requiring me to look at
some videos that he had found
and if I got - I don't know - distracted maybe
by the beating my ass was getting,
he would ask me what was happening in the video.

He wouldn't let me fly.
There was no subspace.
There was the moment,
and like it or not,
I was to be present to it.

OK, So I liked it!!

He then commanded me to put my knees on the side of the bed,
effectively putting my ass high in the air.

He lubed up my ass completely,
then gently, thankgod, gently,
slid the LARGE pink dildo into my ass.

As soon as it was inserted, up to the imitation balls,
He let it sit there and spanked my ass again.

When he had enough, he switched back 
to fucking my ass with the dildo.

It was intense.  Seriously intense.
In retrospect, now that I'm sitting here typing,
I'm praying that I didn't scream too loud.

He fucked hard and fast and I came and came.
He shoved it in and pulled it AllTheWayOut.
Then he shoved it back inside.
He repeated this over and over and over
and over and over and over and over.

My ass was so loose, it was insane.

He shoved it in and then walked around the bed.
He pushed my shoulders flat on the bed and 
lay in front of me.

I asked him if I could lay down,
and he said no.

I have no idea what he did or how long it was
felt like forever.
He just had me on my knees
chest on the bed,
hands bound and tied out in front of me,
with a gigantic dildo in my ass and he…
relaxed.

After a llllllooooooooonnnnnnnnnngggggggggg time,
he got back up.
He pulled me forward a bit, 
as my hands were tied,
just to get me so he could clamp my nipples.

He clamped them hard and back,
then pushed my chest back to the bed.
I was breathing through the pain,
through the intensity, 
when I felt him behind me again.

He was there in a split second, 
I swear.
Then he…
ohmygawd, this is so embarrassing.
Then he….
thenhepushedthegiganticpurpledildointomypussy.

That is soooo embarrassing to admit,
I don't know why.

He fit that enormous purple dildo inside of me
WHILE the large pink dildo was firmly seated in my ass.

He gave me a minute to adjust and
then he fucked.

He fucked them hard,
in and out.
The purple dildo he didn't take all the way out,
but the pink one he did…

my slutty holes were so stretched out
and I felt like such a whore.

I felt so turned on
I felt so humbled
I felt so at his mercy
so submissive
so desirous
so horny
so fucking good!!!!

I came like a motherfucking freight train…
over and over and over.

I don't know what happened…
between the insane orgasms and 
him pulling me off the bed…
my hands untied,
everything cleaned up,
shower started.

I was sooooo cold.
I know that the endorphins mess with you,
but I can't remember being so cold before.

He led me by the hand to the bathroom,
he took out my ponytail,
took off my jewelry,
and put me in the shower.

I washed my hair, and when I rinsed it,
he was standing on the outside of the shower.
He commanded me to come to him.
I stood, still inside the shower,
and he reached in and with the soap and washcloth,
washed me…head to toe.

I felt so taken care of,
so cherished,
so protected,
so loved.

It was one of the most intense nights of my life.
And he made it extraordinarily special!

What a lucky girl!

A Spanking Before And After

OK, so abby's Master had asked a question about 
how a spanking was before and after cumming,

so last night, 
Sir decided to find out.

He tied my hand and secured them to
the other side of the bed.

I appreciate that so much when he 
spanks me hard, because I can't rear up
and don't have to really work hard on 
staying in position, I can relax
I can enjoy, I can fly.

He cropped hard,
leaving hugs stripes.
It was stingy and ouch
and painful.
But the pain turns to heat.
Heat turns to pleasure.

But I feel each of the strokes
and it's a progression from
pain to pleasure.

FAST FORWARD….
many many orgasms,
OhMYGODMANYORGASMS!

Sir reaches over and
starts to spank me,
hard, with his hand,
Holy hell, did you know 
that someones hand can
be THAT hard?

But here's the thing,
I felt no pain,
I ONLY felt pleasure.

and although I have been spanked
to a phenomenal orgasm before,
it always took time.  
Time for the pain to turn to
such sweet pleasure.

But after an orgasm,
it's all pleasure and 
because my pumps were primed, 
so to speak,
I came immediately.

But the pleasure was
indescribable!

Cumming Made Him Cum

Sir gave me no less than…

a dozen orgasms…
He'd spanked me and played with me
and suckled me and liked me
and kissed me and played some more with me.

The sheets were sooooo drenched
after squirting so many times.

At the end, he put the
gigantic purple dildo in my pussy
and fucked me relentlessly.

He then told me to kneel up
next to him with the dildo in,
then to spread my knees apart.

He fucked me with the dildo,
then slipped a finger into my ass,
and I shoot off like a rocket!

As I start to scream and shake,
he took his hand off the dildo,
grabbed my neck
and put my mouth on his cock,
and he immediately cums in my mouth.

He came…no stimulation,
just from watching me cum.

It was … pretty insanely intense …
for both of us.

Dom or Not

So, I was an absolute disaster today.

I was belligerent, frustrated, combative,
a general pain in the ass…

I fought with Sir, several times throughout the morning.
Late afternoon, I was driving to the drug store and 
talking to Sir on the phone. 

He said, "You know, you and I had something good going for a while,
but ……."

At that, I stopped listening and and and

simply fell apart.

I was crushed. 

I have been fighting him…fighting his Dominance and 
seriously fighting my submission.

But, BUT…I didn't want it to be over
and it sounded like he was done with that.

I know we are rock solid as a married couple and 
we'll find our way through anything but 
I was sure he was done with being my Dom.

When I came home, I cried and cried.
I was so upset!

We talked…we went for a long walk and 
talked.

I told him that I was at loose ends,
that I was fighting my submission
(to which I got a serious, no shit response from him)
but that when he said that, I was crushed.

He…oh God, the things he said melted my heart.

He told me that for years and years we switched…
that he found fulfillment in our switching,
but that he knew it wasn't natural, for lack of a better word, 
for me.

(WOW - I can't believe he knew that).

That he knew I was naturally submissive to him.
And over the years, he's really learned to love
Dominating me. 
That it works for us.  That it won't stop.

He said that he is kind of at a loss when I fight so damn much
against his Dominance, though.

He had a suggestion, that he will work on 
bringing me back in line and loving me where I am.
But if I'm simply not able to submit, that I could have a safe word.

Now we've NEVER had safe words that we have used before
(Ya, ya, I know that's not how you're supposed to do it…
but it works for us because we've been together FOREVER).

But we would have a safe word that meant that I was simply
NOT able to submit and he would stop, or try to stop,
for that day.  BUT NOT LONGER.  
He would love me and be kind and caring for the rest of the day,
but he would not dominate me at all.  So I need to be careful and clear.

He asked me to pick a word and I asked if he would.
We laughed over several possibilities and …

ready for it …

he settled on "corndog".  

I don't even eat those…neither does he.

We laughed and agreed and I have to tell you,
I feel more in love with this amazing wonderful
husband, friend, Dom tonight,
than I have in the many many many years we've been together.