Friday, June 21, 2013

Regret

So, Sir and I typically have a phenomenal relationship.  We have been a couple for a very long time.  We fought like cats and dogs when we first started our relationship.  Our passions burned very hot.  As we got passed the first four or five years, we continued to be passionate, but fought significantly less.

Well, I was traveling this past week and Sir traveling this.  He's had many trips for his work recently and his work load has been exhaustive.  We've had house guests and activities for our kids.  School's out here and yet, it seems like Sir and I have had little time to just talk.

We've had little sexual contact in the week and a half to two.  I know this isn't a long time, given that many don't have sex but once a month or two.  But...for us, it's been disconnecting.  Our exhaustion, both physically and mentally has taken its toll along with a serious lack of time to talk.

So last night at 1am (I was always told, nothing good happened after midnight) after we have both been working and we're exhausted, we came to bed.  I had told him for the past two days, that I wanted to have an orgasm so badly.  We'd had quick sex when I came home late from being out of town the night before, but I had woken him up out of a dead sleep to do so.  He was leaving this morning, so last night was our only chance.  I was grumpy because of the quantity of work that had to be done and the lateness of the hour.  When Sir came to bed, I was laying on my side and he came up behind me.  He kissed my neck and ear and mouth.  He played with my nipples and I was breathing hard.  I was becoming so wanton.  I was pushing him and taking charge.  He stopped, pulled me over and looked down into my eyes.  "Whose in charge, fiona?"  he asked me.  "I am."  I replied flatly.  "WHOSE IN CHARGE, FIONA?"  he asked again in a firm tone.  "I AM!" I replied.  "You have to be here to be in charge."

Now, I KNOW that's not fair.  It's not fair to him or to us.  It was hurtful and inappropriate.

He rolled over and said, "Fine, then I'm done.  I was being dominant, I was trying.  If you're not submitting to me, then I'm done."  With that, he went to sleep.  Now I know he didn't mean that he's done with me as his wife.  But I was scared that he was done with me as his submissive.  I worried that I broke us as Dom and sub.

I was heartbroken.

*********************************************

This morning, when he left, he kissed me and told me he loved me.  He's been very solicitous today on his journey.  I'm appreciative.  I know we said things that we shouldn't while exhausted.  I'm sad.  I'm tired.  I'm sad.  I'm sure we'll be just fine.  But I hate saying things at times when we shouldn't.  I'll have to wait until his return to reconcile fully and reconnect.  I am sure we will.  But for now, I regret what I said.


**************UPDATE******************
I sent him an email with this post, because he doesn't read my blog.
He texted me:

"I read the email.  I will never be through with you.  I love you and look forward to reconciling when I'm home. You will always be MLB"

We've talked.  Once I'm in this place, it's hard for me to mentally snap out of it, but sleep helps and I need to pull up my big-girl-panties and stop with my pity-party-for-one.

24 comments:

  1. I think as you said yourself..you were both tired, it was late and yeah not a good combination..wires can get crossed.

    I dont think personally what you did was wrong or unsubmissive in the least perhaps what could have been a playful situation...ie instead of being rebuked he could have forcefully taken control (perhaps that is what you wanted?), because of tiredness etc ended up being something different.

    Im sure in the light of a new day, when both are calm and its discussed, it will all be fine.

    x

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    Replies
    1. It will all be fine. I updated my post and I know we'll be just fine. I'm glad that he clarified that I didn't irrevocably damage our D/s.

      You know, I hadn't thought about it...that maybe I wanted him to push...but you know, I probably did. I was certainly shocked when he rolled over and was pissed. Tired and late are NOT good for communication. UGH.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  2. We've all done and said things when exhausted which were not intended and regret is such a horrible emotion, it eats away inside. I hope you resolve and reconnect soon. I'm sure you're both in need sleep and quality time together.
    ((HUGS))
    DF

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    Replies
    1. I hate regretting things. It is a horrible emotion. We are resolving...will talk when there is time. I updated my post and am glad that he clarified that I didn't damage our D/s. We both desperately needed sleep and continue to need time together!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  3. When life takes over and we don't get out fix of what we need....we say and do things that we wish we had not...I have been there. The two of you are so good together this will get resolved, and I have a feeling you will know who is in charge. hugs...
    abby

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    Replies
    1. I hope so abby. I know we'll resolve things. I updated the post and am glad that he let me know that I hadn't completely blown everything. The stupid stuff done when tired. UGH.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  4. I'm so sorry you had that happen. I can imagine myself doing a similar sort of thing, and doing it as a way to provoke him to hurt me, which I'm not proud of, but just sometimes desperation, you know, makes you do things that you don't want to do. You have a strong relationship, it seems from here, I'm sure it will be sorted out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ya, I've done the same. Desperation is NOT necessarily a good thing. Sometimes it leads to disaster. We do have a very strong relationship and I know we'll be sorting when he comes home.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  5. Ahh, what life can do to us, the things we say when we are tired. I am sorry it went like that. Sending you positive sex vibes for when he comes back!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the positive vibes Julia. I can certainly use them!!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  6. Oh my that sounds horrible for all parties. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Certainly was NOT optimal! Nah, pretty much sucked!

      hugs,

      Delete
  7. I'm glad that you were able to talk even if it was via email/text. It's hard when you are both exhausted and overloaded. The lack of time for communication and sex is also a hurdle. When Daddy and I go for more than a day or so without that connection, it puts us in a tough place. As for those only connecting a couple times a month...OMG! I think that might actually kill me! lol (okay, maybe that's a little over dramatic!)

    hugs
    bg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, Sir and I typically have sex MANY times a week. I can't fathom a month...but I know for some it is their norm. For me, unfortunately, I'm a use it or loose it kinda girl. My sex drive which is typically off the chain goes to nil in no time flat. We both need sleep and time TOGETHER. Sadly he won't return til the end of the weekend. Thanks for your comment bg. I appreciate it.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  8. bg- Yeah I'm pretty sure that only getting it a couple times a month would kill me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hehehe...sadly me too. I might shrivel up and die...or become asexual.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  9. My husband and I go through periods of this, especially when he is exhausted from training and gone long periods, coming home to me zombie-like. I say very often that I am alone, that he is not here; but it isn't his fault and he would take the reins if he was.
    Life isn't perfect, and it is nice to read about the downs as well as the ups, makes the ups that much more enjoyable and worth celebrating with you.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know it's rough on him too. It's just hard sometimes. Your comment means a lot cammie. Life isn't perfect....it is important to know that it's ok to write about the downs as well as the ups. Sometimes I wonder, it's certainly not very sexy...nor is it kinky. Thanks! We will have ups soon, I'm sure.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  10. ugh, I'm sorry. You do sound like you have your big girl panties on-- you weren't overly dramatic about it, you knew it would be ok, but you wished things had gone down differently. I know I've been there too many times. I hope you have a wonderful reconnect when Sir comes back.
    xxoo

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    1. Thanks Renee.

      I appreciate your understanding. I appreciate you saying I wasn't being overly dramatic. I hate ... no loathe drama for the sake of drama. So, I'm really sensitive about that. I SO do wish it had gone differently. I look forward to him coming home. I need some time.

      hugs,
      fiona

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  11. I understand how you felt completely. I mean completely. When he rolled over, I felt with you - the OMG, what does he mean?

    Is it a submissive's trait? I don't know but your reaction would have been mine. And I know - as you knew - that it's not his fault he's traveling. I swear your house is like my house some days.

    I've told my husband many times that I hate it if he's angry with me even as I know it's normal to argue and healthy for a relationship. I don't think he understands how deep this feeling is. I just can't stand it if I feel like he's upset with me and I absolutely blow things out of proportion. I go to divorce when he's thinking 'we disagree'. I think I even said something like 'it's the beginning of the end, isn't it?' once… It wasn't, thank goodness.

    So big girl panties huh? I'll put mine on too…

    Very much appreciate the honest, open post, Fiona.

    x

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    1. Thanks Natasha. I appreciate knowing I'm not alone. I do hate when He's mad or disappointed or frustrated with me. It feels like such a failure on my part.

      So ... Pull-up-my-big-girl-panties is kind of like manning up. Thanks for your support, it means a lot Natasha, really!

      hugs,
      fiona

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  12. Fiona,

    Damn, we all say things when we are tired that we regret. We all do.

    Big hug,
    Joey

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    Replies
    1. Hi joey. Damn is so right. Ugh. I hate having regrets and it's just compounded all the more when he's not here for us to work things out properly. I was just chatting with him on the phone and he said, "it's just so rare that we're really off in our relationship that it is something we're not adept at navigating and it's so unsettling because of that." I really agree. It makes me feel....adrift when we're off.

      Hugs,
      fiona

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Thank you very much for sharing your comments. This blogland world has become so much more meaningful because of the conversations that y'all have with me through comments...REALLY!

I appreciate them all and will endeavor to answer EVERY comment if at all possible!

THANK YOU
-fiona